Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

My sorority sister and I went to our region's area meeting in Longview, TX. We had a great time and met new Sorors. She drove there and I drove her vehicle back. As we conversed, my phone rings. It's my mother wanting me to talk to my daughter. My daughter is a praise dancer at church and she has a performance on Sunday. I asked my mom to record it for me and she told me no because I should be there to see it for myself. Obviously I can't because I work on Sundays. I was upset because I like seeing special moments with my daughter and I can't see this one because my mom is being her usual, difficult self. 

Well, I'm talking to my Sister about the whole situation saying how my mom can be mean for no reason, as if she's punishing me or something, and "woop woop," there's flashing lights. I get pulled over in Davalla, TX (very small hick town) for going 62 in a 45. I'm upset because it's a damn speed trap and because I'm driving someone else's vehicle. I knew I would get a ticket because it's such a small town and they need all the money they can get. The cop asks me why was I speeding and I say, "I'm just trying to get home." I should have told him that I was on my period and I was about to have an accident if I didn't get to the nearest store QUICK. But I've never been a good liar. And of course, I get a citation. I have to call them and I'm sure I'll be paying a fine or something I can't afford. I'll take defensive driving because my driving record is flawless (thanks to defensive driving lol). 

Usually, when a cop stops me, I'm cautious about my speed. About 30 minutes later, I see flashing lights. "Woop woop." I'm in Lumberton, TX and apparently I was speeding AGAIN doing the SAME speed limit in a 40/45 mph zone. That's what I get for talking about sex and other inappropriate topics. I was prepared to use my period excuse but he never asked me why I was speeding. When the cop walks away with my license, I begin to cry because I'm about to get 2 tickets in the same day within the same hour...in someone else's vehicle. My Sister says that it's okay, that's she's not upset, but I can't help it. He comes back and tells me that he's going to give me a verbal warning (THANK GOD!!!!!!!!) and he appreciated me being courteous since I turned onto a side street to avoid the highway. He actually kinda made my night.

I told my sorority sister that I loved her but apparently, I can't talk and drive the right speed at the same time so I was going to ignore her. She laughed and tricked me into talking to her. But we made it safely into Beaumont with no more "woop woops." Her Chrysler had a lot of pick up and go so I blame her vehicle for being so easy to drive. lol

So...technically, this is all her fault and I think she should pay my ticket or at least for my defensive driving class. Don't you agree? lol

12 Types of Women

I wish I could take credit for this but I sadly cannot. This was in a forward I received in college...almost a decade ago. (Wow...that makes me sound VERY old......)

1. Ms. Gold-Digger
Advantages:
a. You have someone to manage your money.
b. She always look good.
c. She makes your homeboys jealous.
d. She makes you look good.
Disadvantages:
a. When you become broke, she'll be gone and take what you have left.
b. She makes sure she has a child by you to sue you for child support.
c.  Once your homeboy comes up, she'll be on his arm the next day.

2. Ms. Freak (secret lover)
Advantages:
a. She knows all the right positions.
b. She'll try everything more than once.
c. You're never unsatisfied.
d. She'll do all the things your girl won't do.
e. She doesn't mind being your freak, as long as you're one, too.
Disadvantages:
a. Eventually, because she's a woman, she'll end up catching feelings.
b. She starts to act like she's your "main."
c. She messes around with your homeboy and act like you're in the wrong for telling her that she's a freak.
d. Eventually, she gets old. And you need a replacement.

3. Ms. Independent
Advantages:
a. You don't have to worry about buying her anything. She got it.
b. She's intelligent, sassy, confident, and determined.
c. She's great for conversation, especially business-related.
d. She keeps it real and has goals.
e. She knows how to please a man.
Disadvantages:
a. She will continuously let you know that she can handle it on her own.
b. She will eventually say "SCREW YOU" and get a dildo.
c. She will consider you another one of her play toys or goals. 

4. Ms. Dymepiece
Advantages:
a. She's top of the line.
b. She stays looking like a fantasy.
c. She has the body of a goddess with the face to match.
d. She considers herself a "model."
e. Gets you on hard whenever you see her.
f. All the girls envy her but she doesn't care.
Disadvantages:
a. She's superficial. She cares only about her looks.
b. She honestly lacks confidence and will annoy you about the way she looks.
c. She's probably dumb as hell and if she's not, her personality is dry.
d. You have to constantly keep your game up because every dude is going to try to get at her.

5. Ms. Tomboy
Advantages:
a. She's cool and laidback.
b. She'll be willing to play rough with you.
c. Of course she loves sports!
d. Her body is athletically divine.
e. She's easy to talk to and fun to be around.
f. She's a diamond in the rough.
Disadvantages:
a. She'll remind you too much of your homeboys.
b. She might not want to change her appearance.
c. She might actually beat you in basketball, football, and track.

6. Ms. Ghetto
Advantages:
a. She's not afraid of any other woman or man. She will fight to keep you.
b. She's down for you. She'll be there to bail you out of jail.
c. She always stays fresh.
d. She can cook up a storm. 
e. She can make the best out of a bad situation. 
f. She keeps it real and keeps you satisfied.
Disadvantages:
a. She doesn't know how to act in public.
b. Your mama can't stand her.
c. You get into it with her every other second.
d. She's willing to fight another woman for looking at you or her PERIOD.
e. Her weave colors are distracting and her vocabulary is minimal.

7. Ms. Good Girl
Advantages:
a. She's always there for you.
b. She's intelligent, classy, kind, sweet, and cool. 
c. Your mother loves her.
d. You can see yourself falling in love with her.
e. You are her first everything.
f. She makes you feel like a man.
Disadvantages:
a. She's either A or B: A--You're not going to get any until y'all are married or B--She said she's never done it, said she's never tried it, and she's sitting there LYING to you.

8. Ms. Main
Advantages:
a. She is the one your respect.
b. She probably may know about the others but might not care.
c. She has all the qualities you want in a woman.
d. You've been with her forever.
Disadvantages:
a. She starts getting very suspicious and calls you every moment.
b. She will devise a plan to catch you in the act and then kick your ass.

9. Ms. Psycho
Advantages:
a. She's fun and spontaneous.
b. She's down to earth.
c. She loves you unconditionally.
d. Everything about her is too good to be true. So everyone loves her.
e. She makes you feel loved.
Disadvantages:
a. Don't you break up with her. She will stalk your ass.
b. She keeps pictures of you everywhere and knows everything about you.
c. She can manipulate the hell out of you.
d. She will consider herself wifey even if she may just be that chick on the side.
e. Dealing with her can make your life a living hell. 

10. Ms. I Have a Man
Advantages:
a. She may have a man but she'll mess with you anyway.
b. She looks good.
c. You have an intense night of passion with her.
Disadvantages:
a. She'll always come crying to you about the problems with her man.
b. She'll get you caught up and then leave you for her man anyway.
c. If you piss her off, she'll get her man to come beat your ass.
d. She'll unofficially make you her man once she gets pissed off at her real man.

11. Ms. Tease
Advantages:
a. She's tempting and a nice piece of eye candy.
b. She's intelligent, athletic, respectable, and SEXXXXXXXXY.
c. She knows how to turn you on without touching you.
d. Everything she does is just so sensual.
e. She can bring you to that point and make you wait to get it.
f. Every time you see her, you catch a mini orgasm.
g. Every man wants her because she's so mysterious and that makes you want to get her first.
Disadvantages:
a. No matter WHAT you think or do, you NEVER get it.
b. She probably has a long distance boyfriend somewhere that you will never know about.
c. She gets you hard and leaves you like that.

12. Ms. Right
Advantages:
a. She is not sexy, fine, or a dyme. She is beautiful and therefore encompasses all of these descriptions.
b. She is intelligent, sassy, funny, outgoing, determined, strong, and classy.
c. She can cook or at least order a meal that is just like your mother's.
d. Her personality is just as beautiful as her body.
e. She believes in God and follows His virtues.
f. She knows that what a relationship requires and gives her man an extra 10%.
g. She can please her man in any way. Mentally, spiritually, and sexually.
h. She makes you recognize your full potential as a man and completes you.
i. She's always there for you, no matter what your dreams are.
j. She's not afraid to tell you the truth and set you straight.
k. You can talk to her and confide in her. She's your best friend.
l. You love being around her more than your homeboys.
m. You can share your most intimate moments with her without sex.
n. You can have a bad argument with her and have the BEST mind-numbing and passionate love making fest ever.
o. She's always willing to find a way to work out your problems and will often take most of your shit. But she's also intelligent enough to leave.
p. She's nothing like any other woman you've met. She's your woman.
Disadvantages:
a. You've probably met her or had her in your life but got too consumed with all the other types that you let her go.

Ladies, which one are you?
Men, who is the one that you're giving your all to?


 

Never Settle for Mediocrity

"Know why I'm single? Because I refuse to settle. Once before I did, with detrimental results. I don't care how good the sex is, how many kids you have together, how financially well taken care of you are, if you're married, how important image is to you, or how lonely you feel, no one should settle for daily unhappiness. Being alone doesn't make you lonely. You may not be lonely, but you feel very alone. If I'm going to share myself with someone, that bastard will be worth it. *my sermon for the day*" 

I saw this on facebook this morning on someone's status. Oh...it was MINE. I created this status from inspiration from a "relationship" I found myself in recently. I really liked a guy who initially showed an interest in me. Everything started off great. He called and texted regularly. We'd talk for hours. There was no doubt in my mind that he was a good guy that really liked me for the person that I am. We laughed. We joked. We shared things with each other. We hung out. And then, things slowly started to change. I'd catch him in a lie. Then two. Then three. It was hurtful because he had no reason to lie to me. He understood that if he spoke the truth at the beginning, he wouldn't have gotten as far with me as he has. And that is a problem that I face daily in the "dating" world. Guys begin relationships upon shaky foundations of LIES and when the TRUTH comes about, everything begins to crumble. It's hard to believe what anyone ever says anymore once they are caught in a lie or two. 

With all that being said, I am single. I have made a conscious decision to stay that way and I have shut off the entryway into my heart until someone is truly and unselfishly willing to pay the toll. While I will miss him, I know that it is for the best. I have a low to zero tolerance for liars. I have absolutely no patience for sneakiness. I have a huge pet peeve for sometimey behavior. Don't be one way with me one day and then shady the next. 

I see people who are in unhealthy relationships for several reasons. "We have kids together and I can't do that to the kids." Look at what you ARE doing to the kids. Violent outbursts. Spiteful cursing. Screaming day in and day out. You think that is healthy for your kids to watch and hear? You think being in a 2-parent household is healthier when you're always yelling at each other? Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. They typically put out what is put in. When you are arguing constantly and disrespecting each other, you are putting in them the message that that is a normal way to settle arguments. You are creating (or continuing) an unhealthy cycle that is not successful and hurts all involved, whether directly or indirectly. 

This is why I left my child's dad before my daughter was born. We got to the point where we argued everyday. We hated each other. I tried to make it work for the sake of our daughter, but I knew that nothing would change. I wanted to give her a fair shot in the world and I couldn't do that trying to maintain a relationship with her highly unstable father. Now, after moving back to my hometown, within a month, he came down to visit and I tried reconciling then, hoping that the time apart helped him rethink some things, but *fortunately*, it didn't. I gave up and I think that was the best thing I have done for my daughter. She may not have her father around, but she's happy.  

"I'd rather have a warm bed tonight." So. You're willing to accept ANYBODY because you don't want to be alone? This is usually a product of low self-worth or low self-esteem. You get your warmth for the night and end up having a "cold" day, if you know what I mean. This person doesn't love you. They know that you're willing to drop your standards (if you have any) just so that you can have company for a few hours. They are getting what they want: a free lay without the commitment. Unless you don't really care to be that *ahem* open...but usually, you do care. You've just hardened yourself up to act like you don't. 

I was guilty of this once upon a time. Breaking it off with my child's dad, a man that I really loved, was very hard on me and eventually took its toll. I was a single parent, something I never thought I would be, cleaning hotel rooms for a living, something I never thought I would do, and hated my life. I was in a bad mental place and I allowed men to say and do whatever because I was trying to fill a void, an emptiness in my heart, left by my child's dad. I knew I was worth more than these guys were treating me, but my need to feel loved was greater. I'm SO glad I got out of that horrific phase in my life. 

"If we break up, what will everybody say? What will they think?" WHO CARES?! This is YOUR relationship. YOUR life. YOUR feelings. YOUR emotions. YOUR HAPPINESS! Don't worry about some f***in' image that society has brainwashed us with thinking that {THIS} is the way {OUR} happiness should be. Screw what others think! You are the master of your universe. Take freakin' control of the wheel. If you're not content with your relationship, try to work it out, and if it doesn't, LEAVE! No one is forcing you to stay unhappy!

I was very guilty of this as well. I dated my first boyfriend for 5 years. Two of them, I looked at him on a platonic level. He was a great guy. Sweet, caring, attentive, and thoughtful. Everything a girl with sense would want in a man. But somehow, I didn't feel....satisfied. I was content...but I wasn't happy. I was naive and curious about being with other guys, like dating around and weighing my options. But because we had dated all throughout college and we got along so well, people thought we would get married and have this awesome life together. I didn't know how to get out of it at 23 without hurting him and disappointing everyone else. Eventually, I had to. I regret hurting him but I knew if I would have stayed, I would have caused more damage. 

"I don't know how to leave. The sex is just SO GOOD." This is by far one of the STUPIDEST (yes, I typed a non-existent word) reasons to stay in a relationship. D*** and p**** shouldn't be why one should stay in a relationship. While I understand how sex rules the world and makes people say and do dumb things, you should have a stronger foundation than "the sex is the bomb." A lot of people think that they won't be able to find someone as good to lay them, which is why they stay with Mr. Jerk, Mr. Bipolar, Ms. Ghetto, Ms. Ratchet, etc. etc. "Man, I don't know ANYBODY that can give me h*** like Ms. Chickenhead." "Giiiiirl, no one lays the pipe down the way Mr. Emotionally Unavailable can!" Read those 2 sentences again. Tell me they're not DUMB. Unless you have had sex with every single person on this planet, you can't possibly say some ignorant sh*t like that and believe it to be true. Penises and vaginas are everywhere. Quality isn't.

Again. I am guilty. My child's father knew how to have great sex. With unexperienced me, I didn't have much to compare it to. I was enamored. I should have left him early in our relationship for a plethora of reasons, but I didn't because I was...whipped. Could I find someone else that would give me such satisfaction as him? I scared myself into thinking that I couldn't. I knew long after that pretty much the ONLY reason he was so good at it was not because he had so much experience or that he was such a pleaser in bed...nope. It was because that was ALL HE HAD TO OFFER. Beware of the man whose only gift to you is his penis.

"I'm married." SO?! I don't have some cute little anecdote about this excuse because I have never been married. However, throughout my observations, marriage shouldn't equate to acceptance of domestic violence. Pain. Hurt. Sadness. Cheating. Marriage is a relationship with legal responsibilities behind it but that doesn't mean accept bullshit behind having a ring. Yes, there is that whole "for better or worse" line in those generalized vows, but does that mean settle for a man hitting you? Disrespecting you and calling you out of your name? What about in front of your kids? Cheating on you, not once, but frequently? The list goes on and on. Some things, once the trust is broken, it can't be fixed. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, despite the world we live in. However, a ring and a piece of paper shouldn't tell you that now, you are imprisoned to a life of settling for crap. 

I have allowed men to come into my world and hurt me. I used to joke that maybe I was a glutton for punishment. As I get older, I realize that my patience for "Tom Foolery" is pretty thin. I deserve ALL of a man, nothing less than 100%. If I'm willing to give my all to someone, dammit, I deserve all of that in return. I don't ask for much. If you're not willing to be full-time, then I shouldn't give you any of my time. I am still learning this. While I can come across as being a no-nonsense, headstrong kind of woman, I still have a desire to be loved. However....

...NEVER settle.

Pity...Party of 1

Courtesy of Google Images

My daughter is spending the weekend at my sister's house and it's good for both of us. She gets to play with her cousins (it can get pretty bland as an only child, I'm sure) and I can cry in peace. Yes. I've been crying on and off all day. I don't know what it is about today but I've been in my feelings since I woke up. I've been cleaning my bedroom as a way to keep my mind off of whatever it is that is depressing me and it works...temporarily.

I saw a quote on facebook that I find to be highly accurate: "The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her." This quote is so powerful to me because I have never had a man to really love me. I have had guys use me and lie to me, even abuse me, but never love me. Too many men do and say whatever, pretending they want to be involved in my future, when all they want is what they can have NOW. So you may wonder...what is wrong with ME? Why do I keep allowing guys to hurt me?

I wish I had a simple answer like, "Oh, I have daddy issues" or "I can't stand being alone." Neither are true. My daddy wasn't there, true, but I'm an adult with quite a bit of intelligence and after a certain age, you can't keep blaming your past for what is going on in your present. It can suck being alone at times, but I'm not that desperate for companionship. Being alone doesn't make one lonely. 

So what the hell is it?

The men I deal with are similar to lawyers. They present themselves as having the most quality. They make themselves sound great. You tell them what is wrong and they offer you everything you need. But they say anything to get what they want from you. And by then, it's too effin' late. You're knee deep in it now. It's hard separating what your heart wants from what your head wants once your feelings are involved. It's almost as if these men prey on my weaknesses and get me where they want me and once they feel I'm of no real need anymore, they start slowly riding off into the sunset until their silhouette is no more.

I am a passionate person which is easily confused with being overly emotional. Like I stated in a previous blog post, I'm a Cancer and that's how we roll. I want people to know how I'm feeling. When I feel that I can't share my feelings with the person I need to share them with and I attempt to bottle them up, it drives me absolutely insane and actually makes the situation worse. My feelings can come across as a little overdramatic, I'm certain of it. But one thing is for sure: my feelings ARE genuine. You'll never have to guess what is going on in my mind. 

When I love, I love hard. While that is a blessing, it's also a curse, particularly when the love isn't returned. When I'm feeling someone, they'll know it. I believe in showing a man how I feel about him. I listen to him. I comfort him. I try to be his best friend. His confidante. A great lover. All the things I'd expect from him. So when I don't get it, it hurts like hell. 

I understand I am a convenience to some. I'm available. I listen. I'm just always there. I'm fun. I laugh. I'm easygoing. I'm laid-back. I'm easy to talk to. I think that's my issue. I'm too much of a "friend" to these guys who aren't good friends to me. I'm sick and tired of feeling like an afterthought. I'm tired of being used up because I'm a good person that deserves the best kind of love there is. I'm not some ho you'd find flirting with every guy at the club or having my breasts hanging out my shirt or sleeping with everyone at work. I'm a quality woman all the way around. It's a shame that no one has seen the value in that yet. 

I'm also sad because I'm worried about my unemployment benefits. Tomorrow, (Sunday the 21st), I'll find out if I'll be continuing to receive them. I'm so nervous because what am I going to do about money and bills and my daughter and everything if I have no job and have no income coming in? 

And I have no job. I feel like my life is wasting away. I feel that all the education and skills that I have gained from having my degree are slowly wasting away as well. I haven't been working in 15 months, the longest I have ever been unemployed, and I'm beyond discouraged. I'm frustrated. I feel like employers waste my time (so similar to these men) when they have no intent of hiring me. I put in these apps and send in my resumes, all in vain. I see why people give up. Now, I can't because I have my daughter to think about and I enjoy getting money, but in all honesty? Being unemployed is keeping me in a place I'm trying to escape. I can't move forward. That in itself takes a toll. Just imagine unemployment being glue that both your feet are stuck in. Everything is floating in front of you: A job. Money. Cars. Clothes. Newest technology. Success. Happiness. You reach out but you can't move because you're stuck in that one place. The longer you're stuck, the further everything becomes out of reach. After a while, you want to just stop reaching and give up hope. And what's even MORE frustrating? You know that if you give up, you definitely won't be able to grasp what you want. 

I think today, I've just been overwhelmed by a lot of things and I'm glad my daughter isn't here. That's probably why I have been crying because she's not here. I don't cry in front of my daughter because she is sensitive and I don't want to get her upset. Maybe this has been bottled up for some time and I just had to release it today. I don't know. All I know is, I wish I knew when things would get better for me.

Women & Orgasms

DISCLAIMER: Before you read this, know that there is graphic content within this blog post. If you are easily offended or disgusted, or you just see me as a square who would NEVER talk or type like this, please go to the top right-hand corner, and click the X. You have been warned.  

Courtesy of Google Images

 
It's very fulfilling to a woman when she can have an orgasm, whether it is self-induced or not. A woman, after a certain age, should definitely be able to make herself orgasm. If a guy can get a woman to orgasm, he's doing something quite right. Well...what about those men who don't? The ones you have to FAKE for?

Women fake orgasms for a couple of reasons. They normally fake it because a man isn't doing a good job down below. Usually, a guy thinks he's doing something SPECTACULAR down there but he's not really paying attention to his woman to see if she's actually enjoying it. All he is thinking of is how his body is feeling. That's usually the guy who finishes and after catching his breath asks, "Did you c*m?" If a woman has made absolutely no sound of pleasure during the X amount of minutes of your sexual intercourse, chances are, she didn't. After sex, if a woman is laying there STARING at you silently, chances are, she didn't. If a man has to ask if a woman orgasmed or not, chances are, she didn't. You SUCK. Most women know how fragile the male ego is when it comes to his penis and his abilities in the sack. As women, we do these men an injustice. They're walking around thinking they are the bomb dot com (thank you, Tamar Braxton, for coining that fabulously awesome phrase) and in reality? THEY SUCK! They are not good. The technique sucks. The strokes suck. Just everything about everything sucks. We don't want to hurt feelings. We don't want to make them feel bad. But they continue to have sex with you or other women thinking they they are the Hercules' of sexual capability when they are more like Hades, the god of HELL.

A woman fakes it because sometimes, you men take too freakin' long to "get yours." After a while, it becomes uncomfortable for the woman so she fakes it to speed up the process. It's annoying that you're doing all this work, sweating, breathing all hard, and for what? She's turned off by now and you're still pumping. Look, it's very "romantic" and all to "make love until the sun comes up." But really? No. It shouldn't take you more than 30 minutes to ejaculate. Even then, that can be a long time for some women, but if a guy is calling himself "holding back" and trying to please the woman, then 30 minutes is ample time for both parties to "get theirs." 

A woman fakes it because she's just not in the mood and she wants you to go ahead and get yours because you men sometimes are big ass babies when it comes to wanting sex. No matter if we truly have headaches or we're sick or we're sore or just not 100% or just DON'T WANT IT AT THAT MOMENT, y'all whine and beg and plead and nag until we give in. Some men even go as far as to say, "If you don't, someone else will." (If a man says that to you, let him. Pray that he catches something that makes it burn fire when he pees. And then dump him because he doesn't respect you.). Women do what it takes to please the men we care for and love. Sometimes, at the sake of what we want. We give in. But because we're not in the mood, it's dry. Literally and figuratively. We fake it so that a man can get turned on more thinking, "Ha, I knew I'd get her in the mood," and he can do his thing more quickly.

Women, let's stop making these guys feel that they are good in bed when actually they are not. They need to be taught how to please us and do the right things for our bodies. Porn has made them delusional and given them unrealistic expectations. Let's put a stop to the madness. We have to start a movement. The "Help Them F***, Not SUCK" movement. It'll make a whole lot of women a whole lot happier. When a woman is happy, everyone else is. Trust me.

And for your reading pleasure, please read a poem that I penned describing an experience one has had regarding this very issue. It is a graphic erotica piece, so if the blog post made you uncomfortable, even after the written disclaimer, this poem will definitely get you sweating. FYI. 

A Poem of Pure Disappointment & Pissivity

By Constance G.

Blessings

Courtesy of Google Images

I was laid off from my job of almost 4 years in July 2011. It was something that I totally was not expecting. I worked my butt off the previous school year at a brand new school as a social worker that I ended up flourishing at, I did extra work, and I helped other campuses with their casework. I got along with the faculty and staff and the kids couldn't stay out of my office because they enjoyed all I did for them. I went out of pocket a lot of times to make sure they had what they needed. So during my 3rd day of my summer VACATION, I received a phone call that was odd and my gut told me that I was about to be fired. My supervisor asked me to come in. We got along fairly well so I joked with him and said, "What, am I about to be FIRED? *chuckle*" Sure enough, I was laid off due to "reduction in workforce." I cried while he profusely apologized for his supervisor's decision. I asked a lot of questions before walking away from my life: "Where is SHE (his supervisor)? Why didn't SHE lay me off? I am your ONLY licensed social worker...why me? What did I do wrong? There are people here who were hired just this year who get to keep their jobs...why am I one of the ones let go? How is it that I am conveniently being let go at the end of the pay period?" He couldn't answer any of my questions because he was blindsided as well. I went back that following Friday to talk to HER and ask her why I was laid off instead of some of the newcomers or some of the ones who never made their quota on caseloads. She gave me the runaround (basically, she pulled a "Romney") and said, "If there is an opening, you'll be the first I call." I didn't thank her, I didn't even acknowledge that lie. I just walked out. I was pissed. I cried for days. How was I going to pay my bills? How was I going to eat? School is next month...how am I going to buy my daughter's clothes and school supplies? What the HELL am I going to do??

It has been about 15 months since I was laid off. God has been very good to me, even when I've felt that I wouldn't be able to make it. I have made every monthly rent payment, meaning I haven't been evicted. My lights haven't been cut off. My daughter not only got all of her school supplies, but she also got her uniform clothes (and her school gave me extra ones!). We have food in the pantry and refrigerator. My phone hasn't been cut off. All my miscellaneous bills are taken care of. My car finally has been paid off (no more car notes!). The time I have been unemployed, I took advantage of my time to get back into writing and I published my first book (My 1st Published Book <----shameless plug lol). I have the poetry for my 2nd book completed. I started this blog. I can spend time volunteering at my daughter's school. I am available to family that need me during the week. My eye has been bothering me for a couple of weeks and I had to go see an optometrist. I don't have insurance anymore, but one of my sorority sisters (EE-YIP!) is an eye doctor and she assisted me in getting my eye exam completed plus provided me with contacts and solution. She is an absolute Godsend and without her, it would have been difficult to come up with the money to pay for it. Because of her assistance, I am able to afford glasses with my new prescription. My sorority sisters have been very supportive of me, whether it's purchasing my book or paying my way to our Regional conference. 

Do I even want to go back to work? YES I DO!!!!!!!! I look for jobs and apply often to no avail. If I don't find a job by the end of November, I will relocate to the Dallas area, where the jobs are more abundant. But even though I get a very small income from UI benefits monthly, I have been able to budget it in a way where I can still maintain my modest lifestyle. I have people around me that care about me (or maybe they care more for my daughter's well-being lol) and I know who I can call on if I truly need real help. 

Despite being unemployed and low on funds, I can say one thing: I am truly blessed.

Crazy and Confused

 Courtesy of Google Images

I miss him already. When we started, I didn't think we would get as far as we did. I thought he was cute and I liked talking to him but I never thought I would end up catching feelings for him and I did. I didn't want to, but I did. He's the closest thing to someone of quality that I've encountered in a very long time. He has so much going for him. I love how he thinks. I'm such a strong-minded person that it's hard for someone to change my mindset. However, he does sometimes. I like his perspective on things. I love his "regional" accent. I love talking to him. He makes me laugh. I enjoy hanging out with him because it's natural. He's extremely handsome and fairly down-to-earth. We have talked everyday for a year (tomorrow) and I haven't tired of him yet. I've told him that if a guy passes the 6-month mark, then he's captured my attention. And he has. I don't talk to people everyday except my daughter. I wouldn't waste my time for that long with a person if I wasn't interested. I love his smile, his laughter, the giddiness I feel when I see a text or get a phone call from him. Other guys that I know at this point in my life just don't compare.

I decided to end our unique relationship today. 

Why?

He's become inconsistent. He makes me feel not as important the way I used to feel I was. I have begun to feel like a backburner kind of broad. He tells me that I'm being crazy and that his feelings haven't changed but I observe actions. Words mean nothing if the actions don't match them. I just don't want to ignore the obvious because I can't see past what I want. That has happened before and it got me emotionally and mentally screwed up for a long time. I want to believe him. I need to believe that he wouldn't set out to purposely play me. He says he's not. I'm so confused and it's bothering me. So I'd much rather not deal with it than play along wondering what's going on. I know he cares about me. There's no doubt about that. But I've been finding myself questioning the extent of his feelings. I'm such a drama queen!!! UGH!

In time, I could see myself being in love with him. I'm definitely not now, but I care a lot about him. I like him very much. If under the right circumstances, I know I could be in love. Do I think he feels the same way? Eh. I don't know. 

So yeah. I gotta let him go. 

I wrote this a week ago when I was in my feelings. 

I Gotta Let You Go

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore
No more mind games being played over here
The days of you getting over on me are over
No more stealing at my love that I hold dear
You're no longer needed so you can go to Hell
Your overused excuses and unbelievable lies,
The sneakiness, the creeping, the nonchalant attitude
I'll no longer deal with; I've said my goodbyes
I've tried to be patient hoping it would go back,
Back to the beginning, the way it used to be
When you'd tell me how you felt, I never had to wonder
When your actions proved what you thought about me.

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

I'm tired of feeling unimportant in your tiny, little world
As if I'm an afterthought in a dark corner of your mind
Constantly on the back burner, alone and forgotten
I guess the saying must be true, that love really is blind
You knew of my feelings and yet you didn't care
You knew you didn't want more than what it was we had
I wish you would've told me instead of dragging me along
The good feelings I used to have have gradually turned bad
Just leave me alone; I regret that I ever met you
I thought you were special but you are just like the rest
You could have loved me if you weren't so damn selfish
Too bad, it's your loss, but I guess it's for the best.

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

~Constance G. 

Loyalty & Disappointment

A facebook friend posted a quote that I find to be very true: "Blood makes you related. Loyalty makes you family." My instant response? "I must not have a lot of family." 

Yesterday, I was disappointed by a lot of people. Family, friends, a "love" interest. I keep a lot bottled inside because I hate conflict. I despise tension. Do you think they care if I'm disappointed in their lack of loyalty? I doubt it. 

Loyalty is a value that I hold very highly. It pisses me off when I'm loyal to a person and I don't get it in return. I begin to withdraw and I slowly detach myself emotionally because I'm becoming apathetic. That's how any guy who is "talking" to me knows I'm losing interest. I withdraw. I'm not as excited to talk to them anymore. It may take me forever to return a text or a phone call. I may not ever pick up the phone for them anymore.

Loyalty is a mixture of honesty and reliability. I try to be honest as much as possible without the intent of hurting anyone. I believe I am extremely reliable and dependable. If you need me, if I can, I'll help you whether it's financial or you need someone to listen to you vent or to babysit someone or to drive you somewhere, etc. etc. I feel that my loyalty makes me an excellent partner, friend, relative, co-worker, whatever. 

My fierce loyalty tends to get me constantly disappointed. Because I find it to be such a strong quality to possess, I usually expect it from others. Expectations breed disappointments so I really shouldn't expect anything but in my heart of hearts, I do. I believe in doing unto others the way I want them to do unto me so when I don't get it reciprocated, it hurts like hell. I always wonder WHY. WHY can't I call on them the way they can call on me? WHY can't they be there for me when I need someone the way I am there for them?

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a doormat. I'm tired of being available and convenient. I'm tired of being at everyone's beck and call. While I have outgrown the "please everyone" stage, I do value certain relationships and I am loyal to those. I just hate that they don't feel the same. So do I just say, "F*** 'em?" No. I can't. No matter how much I vent and complain and am disappointed, I just can't "let go" like that. That's probably why I am their doormat. (I love how I psychoanalyze myself. lol). What I can do is be less available. I can prove my loyalty to those who will not only appreciate it, but will also return the loyalty to me. Trust me, a person's loyalty is something that I treasure and it won't be wasted on me.

The moral of this story? Loyalty will get you pretty much anywhere with me. Take that how you want to. lol

Infamous Uppercut

Bus Driver Uppercuts Woman
Interview with "Victim" of Bus Driver's Uppercut

Ok. Here is my take on this. While I don't know the entire true story of this situation, what I have gathered from this is the woman apparently didn't have money to ride the bus and the bus driver rightfully had an issue with it. The woman didn't appreciate that so she got loud, rude, and used vulgar language. Out of anger, she hit the driver and spit on him. The 59-year old bus driver became frustrated and gave her the uppercut heard around the world. He then proceeded to throw her off the bus along with her belongings. She got back on the bus and proceeded to fight him, while onlookers kept screaming, "She's a f****** female!!"

So who was in the wrong?

Both of them. Violence never solves anything. I was a victim of domestic violence and I don't approve of a man hitting a woman for obvious reasons. 

BUT.

If you're a woman and you put yourself in a situation with a man that can possibly get physical, you have to be prepared for the consequences. Men are human, too. They have emotions, contrary to popular belief. They get angry. Some people reach a breaking point when they are constantly taunted and pushed around...and if you are the antagonist, expect the beast to be released. 

This woman, in my opinion, is an epitome of being "ghetto." Being loud in public. Using the N-word freely in a mixed audience. Fighting in public. Trying to get on public transportation without having to pay. She exhibited a lot of drama-ridden behaviors. Call me heartless, but I don't feel sorry for this woman at all. It's just like someone who associates with a gang and then he/she gets shot. Like, sorry you were shot, but what did you expect?

I actually feel sorry for the man because he has been with the company for 22 years and now, he's suspended behind dealing with this "hoodrat." When you are dealing with the public, as this bus driver does (or should I say "did"), you come across a lot of people, unsavory and not. It's especially hard keeping your cool with some of these people. I know firsthand. I was a supervisor at a hotel that dealt with all different kinds of people who thought anything that went wrong was YOUR fault. I was a school social worker that dealt with all different types of parents that thought their kids were angels and that YOU were the one that failed their kids. There were many times that I wanted to "lose my religion" with some of these people. How dare you talk to me in that way? How dare you accuse me of something that wasn't my fault let alone something that I had no control over? How dare you try to CLOWN me in front of my co-workers and/or other students? Luckily, I've never had anyone hit me or spit on me!

Could this have been handled differently? OF COURSE! Anytime violence comes into play, any logical person could see that other actions could have been taken. Walking away and removing yourself from the situation being one of them. But when a dog is backed into a corner, constantly being poked at, taunted, etc., eventually, it can't take anymore and it attacks. 

And that's why the bus driver went Mortal Kombat on her. I hope she thinks twice about coming at someone she thinks is too old or too passive to come right back at her!

Nothing to See Here

I had a whole post written out and as the CEO of Overshare, I decided not to share this one time. I'm not sure if it's the migraine attacking my brain or the disappointment I'm feeling towards this guy I'm interested in or that I'm sitting on this couch cold and uncomfortable...but I'm just not in a real writing mood tonight. I am disappointed because I love writing and sharing things, but even God took a rest. I'll be back in full effect tomorrow. I hope.

10/11/12: Child Support Hearing

So I had my child support hearing this morning. It was annoying because courts give me anxiety, even though it's nothing that I've done wrong. I get there and just as I anticipated, he was there with his overweight girlfriend. We gave our names at "check-in" and as we walked into the actual courtroom, he held open the door for me. I was shocked. 

We were the first ones to be called and I was like, "Great! I won't have to be here long." We talk to the child support officer and she was good. Because he was in contempt for failing to pay, he will be on unsupervised probation, meaning that he won't have to go see a probation officer. He's lucky he lives out of the Jefferson County jurisdiction. He owes me over $3,000 in back child support so he not only has to pay that to me, which accrues interest, but also the regular child support from the initial child support hearing last year. She told him that if he violates his probation, the courts can file against him and he can face 180 days in jail. He was like, "That's it? Okay." Spoken like a true professional inmate. Smh. On his Pizza Hut wages, he'll be paying me for a long time. 

We then had to see a judge. Waiting for her was the longest I had to sit idly. Luckily, we were first. It was embarrassing to stand in front of everyone in front of a judge like I was some common criminal even though, again, it wasn't something that I had done. The judge just confirmed his right to waiver an attorney, repeating everything we had already stated to the CS Officer earlier, and we were done. Thank goodness. I was there for maybe a total of 2 hours. 

The disappointing thing out of all of this is that he didn't ask about his daughter one time. He complained to the CS Officer about how he had to drive "300 miles" for the court hearing and he didn't even bother to try to see his daughter. He did the same exact thing last year at our first court hearing. I don't know why I was kind of hoping that he would, as if today would be different, but as usual, he didn't because of his selfishness and anger towards having to drive all that way for something HE failed to do. 

I feel for my child because she loves him and he doesn't care.

Court Hearing

Unfortunately, I have a court hearing tomorrow morning. God knows I don't want to go. I had to enforce child support on my child's dad and we were served papers this past summer for his failure to pay. However, this past September, he began paying me again. Sigh. So really, it's a waste of time to go, but I don't eff with the court system. I'll be there. He just gives me a headache because he's so ridiculously petty and cocky as hell. 

Last year at our first hearing, I wasn't there at 8 o'clock on the dot and he made a semi-big scene in front of everyone telling the lady that you check in with that he was there on time and how late I was. Just retarded. 

Please pray for me. I need it.

That 1st Time

I'm standing in the mirror flat-ironing my hair and as I'm staring at myself, I recall a point in time when I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I go back to the summer of 2006. The first time a man hit me. I never thought I would be a victim of domestic violence because my mother went through it and I just knew I wouldn't go through that. Well...I did. 

He came to my place with a Ziploc bag full of money and a 40 oz. can of beer in a brown bag. He wasn't working and he didn't "hustle" so I asked him where he got the money from. 

"My daughter's piggy bank." 
"You STOLE from your daughter's piggy bank??"
"No."
Being sarcastic: "So she let you have all her money?"
"NO."
"Then why do you have all of her money?"
"Stop asking me questions."
"But how are you going to steal from your own daughter?"
"I didn't steal it. You better stop saying that."
"Saying what....that you STOLE from your daughter?"
"Constance..."
"What, thief?"
"I didn't steal anything. I'm telling you, you better stop saying that."
"What...that you stole from your daughter?"
"Say that shit one more time."
"Oh...that you STOLE FROM YOUR DAUGHTER?"
*POW*

He punched me in my face. Like in the cartoons, I literally saw stars. No birds, just stars. I landed on the carpet on my steps and I was in complete and utter shock. I couldn't believe this man that I loved actually hit me. Blood landed on my shirt and my hand immediately went to my lip. He busted my lip and my teeth tore the flesh inside my mouth. Tears blinded me as I looked up at him with so much pain and betrayal. He knelt down next to me and began apologizing profusely. 

"I am so sorry, Constance. Constance, please, I am so, so sorry."

I just stared at him with my lip that was on fire, blood dripping on my shirt. At that moment, I hated him. With a passion. The man that I loved ended up being the man that I began to despise at that very moment in time. I told him to get the f*** out of my house. He just ignored me and kept apologizing. I allowed him to lift me up off the floor and as soon as I got my bearings, I pushed him away from me and screamed for him to get out my house. 

"Constance! Look, man, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it but you kept pushing me...I told you to stop saying that and you just kept on..."

Yes, I did. One, I don't like for a man to tell me what to do when he is in the wrong. I am very sarcastic and when I think you're morally wrong, I tend to come at you in a way that pisses you off. Is that right? Eh, probably not. But somehow, I can't stop myself. However, he was completely wrong for acting the way he did. He was one to never be able to control his temper. 

I was slightly disoriented and never thought to call the police. In retrospect, I should have, but being so young and never experiencing that in my life, I was just flabbergasted. My mind shut off. 

After a couple of hours of yelling at him to leave, I realized that he wouldn't. He noticed my instant silence and went into my bedroom to grab something. I was frozen from the shock of it all. He comes to me with one of my lingerie outfits. 

"Baby, put this on. I'm sorry. I'm gonna make it better. Just put this on and it'll be okay." 

I'm so Honey Boo Boo Dumb at this point in my life, that I rationalized that okay, if I did this and give him what he wanted, then he'll leave. Yes, stupid stupid stupid. VERY much so. But that was my thought process at the time. Abruptly, I said, "I'm not putting this on but if you are trying to have sex, c'mon so we can get this over with." And that's what happened.

What happened next was the lowest point I had ever experienced in my life at that time. I laid on the bed like a corpse while I let him have his way with me. I looked at the calendar hanging on my bathroom door. Oh, I looked at the ceiling. Discovered a small crack in the paint. Looked at the corners of the wall. Had to remember to sweep the cobwebs. Looked at the time. Only a couple of minutes passed but I swore the clock was inching along in mockery. He was on top of me grunting and enjoying himself while I looked at everything but him, feeling cheap and used. I felt like I was being raped. I didn't know how he was pleasuring himself because nothing was happening to me down there. No moisture, no anything, just dry. After he was finished, he wiped himself off, put on his clothes and I did the same. He walked to my front door, looked back at me, and said, "I love you. I'll see you later?" Not looking at his eyes, just down at the floor, I closed the door behind him, double locked it, and turned off all the lights. I took a shower and laid in my bed, staring into the darkness. I began to cry. I asked the Lord how did this happen? Where did I go wrong? I cried myself to sleep.

It's so interesting how you can go about your day and something as small as looking into the mirror triggers a memory so vivid, it's like it just happened. The brain works in very interesting ways. It makes for great inspiration, though. 

The Stain

I look at it, this permanent stain
And am reminded of all of the pain.
This splotch created from reasons inane;
Let me take the time and try to explain.

It was the summer of 2006,
The first time I was hit with his fist.
I caught him thieving and he got pissed,
So his fist and my face began to kiss.

I saw bright stars as I hit the floor.
Punched by the man that I chose to adore.
Betrayal dug deep into my very core,
As my face stung and became very sore.

I looked down to see blood on my shirt,
My ACADEMY tee, large and overt.
At that moment, I felt lower than dirt,
Immobilized and shocked from all of the hurt.

The stain of dried blood that won't come out.
I tried so hard; I even used SHOUT.
Hatred for him slowly came about.
Everything about me I began to doubt.

Why keep evidence of a painful past?
That's a question I'm frequently asked.
Violence was sadly part of my life's cast.
That's why it hasn't yet been trashed.

I look at my stain as a love gone wrong,
A stain that contains a sad love song,
A stain that sets off a mental gong,
But the sound of the noise doesn't stay long.

This stain screams of a time of nonsense
When love superseded all common sense.
I have overcome domestic violence
And I no longer live in the defense.

This dried blood blot does not control me.
It is permanent but the pain's temporary.
So now you understand the painful story
Of the stain blazoned upon my old, white tee.

~Constance G.

               The T-shirt worn during this incident and the dried blood stain that wouldn't come off.