Driven to Drink

I haven't been in the best mood since yesterday. To feel a certain way only to find out it is probably in vain is a terrible feeling. To feel that you deserve more only to find out you probably won't get it is even worse. So yeah. I'm in a crappy mood. Everything is putting me on edge. People who don't know me and come up with an assessment about me after speaking to me for a few minutes pisses me off. My age does not mean I'm ignorant, stupid, or clueless about life. While EVERYONE has much to learn in life no matter the age, my youth should not automatically mean I know nothing. Even my daughter is driving me nuts and she's just being her normal, active, 5-year old self. I've been snapping at her and I'm in such a down mood that while I feel bad afterwards and I know it's wrong, I can't stop myself. I hate when I get like this because innocent people are at the wrong end of my bad attitude.

Men have really been annoying me, from friends to thirsty wanna-be lovers. I find them more irritating than usual. 

In all honesty, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas and it's my favorite time of the year. I'm in such a funk that even the spirit of the holiday season is lost upon me.

You know what I want to do? I want to lay on my couch, watching mindless television, phone on silent, daughter at someone else's house, eating some Breyer's Waffle Cone ice cream. I don't want to be bothered. I want to lock myself in my apartment with a big SCREW YOU sign decorated in Christmas lights hanging from my door.

I know why I'm so unhappy and there is nothing I can do to change the reason. I have to try to find my happiness again but it's hiding from me right now. I cried a few times yesterday and I'm so ANGRY that I did. I'm tired of swallowing my emotions just to put on a damn front for everyone else just so they won't ask me a million times, "What's wrong?" I don't want to be forced to lie because I refuse to tell ANYONE why I'm so sad and bothered right now. 

My sister saw one of my facebook statuses yesterday saying that I was in an "idgaf" kinda of mood. She said that she didn't think it was wise to call me to ask what was wrong, especially because she didn't want to get depressed behind what I was depressed about. I told her that was a smart thing to do.

My eyes are tearing up thinking about this stupid shit. I'm sick of it. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd go waste my money on some alcohol and just drown myself in it. I can see why people drink now. It DOES make you feel better, even if it's temporary.

Adding on to my depressing emotional state, I still have no job and my lease is up in 8 days. I hadn't started packing because it will just remind me of what a failure I am and how I'm stuck in a spot I don't want to be in. I don't even want to think about it. And even if I were to pack, I really don't have anywhere to go. It's been made clear that while people are "so sorry" about my situation, I don't have anyone who would really and truly take me in just until I get back on my feet. My own mama probably would have to really think about it and ask permission from her boyfriend/fiance to allow her own child and grandchild to stay with her. 

I would love to just disappear for about a week. Just go someplace and not tell a soul and just get my mind right. I wish I had that option.

My whole demeanor will probably change tomorrow. Hell, just the fact that I ranted and raved on this blog post has made me feel better already. I don't want your fake pity or your pretend sympathy. I know people don't really care. And I'm pretty sure there will be someone that claims they know exactly how I feel. Whatever.

Merry Christmas.
Bah humbug.

Can I REALLY Handle It?

He'll Take The Pain Away

Today has been really sad for me. I find myself tearing up when I don't want to. Reality has hit me: I'm putting in my 30 day notice to my apartment complex. What's the big deal? Why you so sad, Constance? I have created a comfortable, stable home for my child and myself. I have what I need, a little of what I want...it's perfect for a homebody like myself. It wouldn't be so bad to put the notice in if I knew I had a place to live. 

I feel like an abandoned child, like no one wants me. And it's breaking my heart. I had Plan A renege on me and now Plan B has. I was so excited about Plan B that I told the world. Apparently, I did so prematurely. I'm in a position of true need and it's like everyone is fucking with my emotions (excuse the language). I'm frustrated because I don't know what to do. This is the first time since my daughter was born that I feel like I'm truly failing her as a mother. I'm taking her from the stability and comfort of her home and quite possibly her school, where she is excelling and doing well, to go....where? I had every intent on going to the Dallas area and now, I'm not so sure. No one has space. No one wants to help. Right now, I feel very alone. 

So what are my options? I can stay in Beaumont, but with whom? And even if I did, apparently, the Beaumont area is not hiring me. Beaumont has let me know that for 16 months now. What about Houston? Well, yeah...but who can I stay with? And Dallas seems to be unrealistic at this moment. I feel that maybe my options would open up if I had a job lined up. Then people won't feel that I'm gonna be at their home mooching for months going on a year or two. 

Apparently, people don't see the effort I'm putting forth into making things work for myself without the need of outside sources. People don't understand that I have the most basic of needs. I don't care about the size of a place, as long as I have a roof over my head. People don't understand that I am strong-minded and highly independent and that I don't want to live off of them. People think that if I go live with them, I'm going to have the same situation that I had with my child's father, bringing drama and turmoil into the home. Men are the last things on my mind--almost non-existent. I want to find a job to be able to take care of my daughter without having to rely on the government or other people.

I find it disheartening and extremely disappointing that so many aren't willing to get out of their comfort zone for a person that they supposedly care about.

It hurts that so many people have seemingly turned their backs on me when I need them the most. Who wants to hear, "Awww...it'll be okay" over and over and over and over and over again? It's like a child being abused at home that makes an outcry to teachers and the teachers say, "Oh little Johnny, it'll get better, I promise." He doesn't want to hear that. He wants to hear that something will be done so that he can feel and be safe. 

I'm tired. 

I've had some thoughts of an ungodly nature. Thoughts that would surely make all the pain go away. But it's selfish and no one is going to take care of my child the way I would. 

I've had some thoughts about doing things against my moral beliefs. Thoughts that would surely take care of a lot of the issues I'm currently facing. But I just can't. 

I wish I had more support. Hell, I wish I had support period. Once again, I have to prove to the world just how TOUGH I am by making it out of this dilemma.

I want someone to take over. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm strong yet I can't stop crying.

I'm pissed.

I'm angry. 

I'm frustrated.

I even asked God does He exist. I instantly regretted it because of course He does. But out of my frustration, I wondered what the hell I've done so wrong to deserve this kind of roadblock. 

Before you even say it, YES, I'll ALWAYS continue to pray like I've been doing all this time. NO, I won't give up. Failure is not an option for me. I have a daughter to think about. No matter what, she comes first and foremost. NO, I'm not just looking for social work jobs. NO, I'm not going to just apply to anything for the sake of having a job. I have to be realistic. "The school is accepting apps for a licensed counselor, isn't that similar to social work?" Similar but not the same. "Apply for it anyway." NEXT! "The gas station is hiring!" Yeah, but in order for me to maintain my bills without going in more debt, I'd have to work practically all day or get another job. Then what am I going to do with Tati? "Don't you have family?" Yeah. A highly unreliable one. NEXT! "You have a college degree. You can do anything." Smh, such a common misconception...and I have no IDEA why it's so common!

I have cried 3 times since writing this and I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm annoyed at the world. I'm annoyed at friends. I'm annoyed at family. I don't know how people view me but I'm not the only person out of work. There are respectable professionals who are just as unemployed as me. 

Some people come from money. Some people married into money. Some people have never been unemployed. Some people work hard and have 2 (or more) incomes coming into the household. Those people are some of the first to pass judgment and tell you what you're doing wrong. I do NOT enjoy being unemployed. I do NOT enjoy not having a real income. I do NOT enjoy stressing out about what bills I need to pay and which ones have to be late or go unpaid. I don't sit back enjoying my life of "luxury" because I'm collecting UI benefits. I've been unemployed twice before but this is the only time I've been unemployed for this long. The first time was 2 months, the second time was 6 months. I'm going on a year and a half now and I'm feeling inadequate.

I just want to be okay. And I need a little help along the way. I hope I get it in the form of a job because I'm tired of worrying about it all. I know things will be okay, but it's still frustrating.

More Than I Can Bear

Abandon friend...ship?

I have a friend that I used to call "best friend" and now this friend is more like just a friend that I've known longer than all the others. It's been going this way for quite some time. Not sure how but it has. Well, I spoke to this friend's mom today and she told me that my friend had to speak to a surgeon about a cyst that was found. I was shocked because of course, I didn't know. 

I go to visit my friend at work to check on her and she doesn't seem to care that I'm there. No biggie. She's at work and probably tired, especially since she was by herself. I asked her about her cyst and she says, "Yeah. I've known for 2 months. Yep. 2 months." I hope I didn't read too much into this, but she said it as if it's my fault that I didn't know that. So then we just talk about old friends of ours and then her place of business starts getting busy so I step to the side to let her work. Once I noticed it wasn't quieting down any time soon, I walked up to her and said that we (my daughter and I) would be leaving. 

Her: "You know you can call me." 
Me: "I know that."
"Yeah, you can text me, too. If you called, I'd answer."
"I know..."
"Yeah, I don't facebook like that."
"Mmhmm...."
"You can also come by."
"Well, you know I'm leaving for Dallas next month."
"Yeah. Yeah. I know. You can still call." 
"You know you can always call me, too."
"Yeah. But you can call me."
"Well, I was going to come by more often since I'm taking off next month."
"Yeah."
"Alright. Bye then."
"Bye."

It was the most awkward conversation I've ever had with her. It was almost like she was reprimanding me for not initiating conversation with her. The whole time, she was talking to me like I was a child. She also didn't seem to care that I was leaving for Dallas. I know she's been wanting to go back north for quite some time. There has always been some underlying rivalry between us so me beating her to the punch may not necessarily sit well with her. To say we used to be best friends, she didn't congratulate me or wish me well. 

She doesn't facebook often, but she does facebook. I had her as a favorite so anything she did on facebook, I received a notification about it. However, I'm addicted to fb so I understand what she means by "I don't facebook like that."

As far as communicating, I will take partial blame for it. I don't call, text, or visit the way I used to. I have my reasons, which may seem petty, but they also seem justified. One, she works and I don't. Her hours are all over the place so I'd rather not call or text because I know she couldn't answer anyway. Two, the last few times I have texted her, her responses seemed standoffish like I was bothering her. Turned me off a little bit. Three, because I don't have a job, I can't afford to use up gas the way I used to. She lives across town from me and it's hard to go see her as much. However, she passes my area up to and from work and she not once stops by. Ever. 

Communication goes both ways. I shouldn't be held solely responsible for keeping up the lines of communication. If you want to call, call. If you want to text, text. If you know I stay on facebook, then shoot me a message. I didn't appreciate feeling like I was completely in the wrong when it came to us talking.

I've noticed that we're not as close as we used to be. She seems more and more annoyed with me which in turn, makes me withdraw more and more. I feel bad for her health issues and the fact that she still stays at home, regardless if it's helping her family out or not, but I'd hope I'd be an outlet for all that, not something contributing to her bothers. She prefers to shop with other friends. Shopping has never been my forte. She likes to go out of town and paint the town red. I can't afford to go out of town just for the hell of it and waste money. I have priorities. Our likes aren't similar. What we find to be most important aren't alike anymore. 

We're growing apart. 

It stings a little because we used to be so close but things happen. I don't know what goes on in her life anymore other than her shopping, working long hours, going out to eat, and driving out of town. I'm assuming she knows nothing of what's going on in my world because she doesn't ask. I stopped calling her my best friend a long time ago because I didn't feel that we were in all honesty. I think we gave each other that title because we've known each other for over 20 years. Just seemed right. 

I did tell her and her mom that I would visit more and make a better effort to communicate. I know she won't call, text, or come by and I feel that she's putting it all on me, which is fine. I have one more month here. I can do all the footwork on our disintegrating relationship until *poof* it goes up in smoke. I will always care about her. She has done a lot for me over the years but this past couple of years...it's like our friendship is non-existent. I'm not depressed over it but I'm not leaping with joy, either. I actually think it's kind of sad but what can I do? She feels that she doesn't have to do anything and she can do just that: nothing. But relationships, ALL KINDS, take both parties to do work and it won't if it's one-sided. 

I have learned this year, particularly during this time of unemployment where I can actually sit and think, that I don't have as many CLOSE friends as I thought I had. I'm really excited to go back up to DFW and have a fresh start by meeting new people and beginning new friendships during this new chapter in my life. I have great friends that I will always cherish but apparently, some of the CLOSE ones that I considered to be at the top of my "Friendship Ladder" have crawled their way down the rungs. Guess that's life. 

Am I buggin?

The Exodus

As you know, I have been unemployed for 15 months and struggling to find a job in my hometown of Beaumont, TX. It's been tough making sure my bills are paid and my daughter is taken care of. But I've made it. And now...I'm moving. I am FINALLY relocating to the Dallas/Fort Worth area and I'm super excited. I love that place and I KNOW I will find a job up there because the jobs are abundant. I will miss my family and my friends here in Beaumont and they don't want us to leave (probably more because of my daughter) but I am tired of being broke. Tired of feeling like I'm wasting my life. I have got to work. Get my sense of purpose back.

I was going to stay with my best friend who offered his place for me a couple of months back. The closer it got to it actually happening, he sort of kind of reneged on me. It hurt and disappointed me a lot because I knew how he felt about me being down in Beaumont and that I couldn't grow professionally down here. I planned my move around his offer. Well, I went into survival mode and placed an ad (a status lol) about needing to be "adopted" by someone in Dallas so that I could have a place to stay. The first and only person to respond was my child's dad's sister. 

I had met her for the first time about 2 years ago. I was nervous because I didn't know how she would take me because of my relationship with her brother. But she was super cool and very down to earth...completely unexpected. If anything, she was on MY side. I hung out with her again with her other brother and they were both just really cool people that I could see myself hanging out with regularly. 

With that being said, I'm very excited to finally be able to move and have a place to stay. It actually works out because I'll have my own space and my daughter could have her own as well (even though she would probably share most of it with her slightly younger cousin). It sure beats sleeping on a couch! It'll also be cool because my daughter will have someone to play with. She won't be completely alone up there. After talking to my "sister-in-law," I feel very comfortable moving there and I also feel that I won't be "rushed" to move there and move out, even though I plan on staying no longer than 3 months. 

I'm just grateful that she offered her assistance to help me transition and get back on my feet. The longer my life goes on, the more I realize that dealing with my child's dad has a lot of benefits disguised as different things. He might even blow a gasket when he finds out, because he will. *child support* 

After 5 1/2 years, I'm finally moving back and while I'm stoked about it, it is a bittersweet feeling. I have established many relationships down here and created a comfortable, routine life for my daughter. In the long run, it's the best decision for both of us.

Rambling Rant

Jar of Hearts 

I cry as I write this. 

You ever envisioned your life as being a certain way? Doing things the right way, finding success and happiness in everything? I mean, who doesn't, right? I am no exception. Because my childhood had had so many rough patches in it, I wanted my adult life to be completely different. I was going to graduate high school, immediately go to college, graduate, then go for my Masters, graduate, find a job doing something I love making a good salary that I can spend a little and save a lot, buy a house, fall in love. Typical dream of a woman, hmm?

The 15 months I have been unemployed has been very taxing on me, my finances, and my emotions. I feel like along the way, I have failed terribly. And what hurts the most? Is that I can't provide the life for my daughter that I promised her when she entered this world. 

Once upon a time, I was really happy and proud of myself and now, I can't say that. Yeah, I've done things during my long period of unemployment that are worth recognition, but I can't find real enjoyment in them. Yeah, I paid off my car. I still worry that if I fill up my gas tank, will I have enough money for <that> bill. Yeah, I published a book. My own mama hasn't bought it yet. Yeah, I still have my apartment. Will I be able to pay next month's rent? Blah blah blah blah. 

I am 30 and find myself, particularly recently for whatever reason, being very lonely. I don't know why but I find myself crying at the loneliness. I feel that I will never have that companion. Like I will never be loved. I've been used by men all my life and even the ones that I thought had potential and were genuine played the game very well in which I ended up losing. Again. 

Social services like to deny deny DENY if you're not living in the streets and using the minimal benefits offered to you to be an adult and actually pay your bills. They usually will help you when you're about to be evicted or you have disconnect notices for everything. What about those struggling BEFORE shit starts to really hit the fan? And excuse me for having one daughter versus 8 with 7 baby daddies. *rolls eyes*

I see why people give up. It's frustrating trying to do the right thing and stay afloat when no one wants to throw you a life jacket. The only way they MIGHT help you is if you're actually losing the fight underwater.

When I ask for help from others, it's not because I'd rather spend someone else's money than my own. Nope. Too prideful for that. It's because I genuinely need it. And it hurts when you have some people that have but aren't willing to help or those that make you feel bad for even asking in the first place and it definitely sucks when they throw it in your face about your situation. I pretend like I'm not but I'm actually very sensitive about not having a job and having a real income to provide for my daughter and me. It kills me when I see people throwing away money or bragging about their next big purchase (whether it's from their own pockets or their well-to-do husbands). It's similar to people who can actually make a difference spending their money on solid gold toilets with platinum-encrusted toilet seat lids instead of helping out their struggling mother. The principle is the same, at least to me it is.

I have fought life the majority of my life. I'm tired. I'm tired of the being the "strong" one. Sometimes, I just want to be taken care of. Allowed off my feet to relax and not have to worry about LIFE, even if it's for a day. I just want someone to take my hand and say, "Constance? I got this."

I love writing because I was full of tears at the beginning of this rant and now, I feel better. Writing. My self-therapy for 20 years. 

Don't Worry Be Happy

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

My sorority sister and I went to our region's area meeting in Longview, TX. We had a great time and met new Sorors. She drove there and I drove her vehicle back. As we conversed, my phone rings. It's my mother wanting me to talk to my daughter. My daughter is a praise dancer at church and she has a performance on Sunday. I asked my mom to record it for me and she told me no because I should be there to see it for myself. Obviously I can't because I work on Sundays. I was upset because I like seeing special moments with my daughter and I can't see this one because my mom is being her usual, difficult self. 

Well, I'm talking to my Sister about the whole situation saying how my mom can be mean for no reason, as if she's punishing me or something, and "woop woop," there's flashing lights. I get pulled over in Davalla, TX (very small hick town) for going 62 in a 45. I'm upset because it's a damn speed trap and because I'm driving someone else's vehicle. I knew I would get a ticket because it's such a small town and they need all the money they can get. The cop asks me why was I speeding and I say, "I'm just trying to get home." I should have told him that I was on my period and I was about to have an accident if I didn't get to the nearest store QUICK. But I've never been a good liar. And of course, I get a citation. I have to call them and I'm sure I'll be paying a fine or something I can't afford. I'll take defensive driving because my driving record is flawless (thanks to defensive driving lol). 

Usually, when a cop stops me, I'm cautious about my speed. About 30 minutes later, I see flashing lights. "Woop woop." I'm in Lumberton, TX and apparently I was speeding AGAIN doing the SAME speed limit in a 40/45 mph zone. That's what I get for talking about sex and other inappropriate topics. I was prepared to use my period excuse but he never asked me why I was speeding. When the cop walks away with my license, I begin to cry because I'm about to get 2 tickets in the same day within the same hour...in someone else's vehicle. My Sister says that it's okay, that's she's not upset, but I can't help it. He comes back and tells me that he's going to give me a verbal warning (THANK GOD!!!!!!!!) and he appreciated me being courteous since I turned onto a side street to avoid the highway. He actually kinda made my night.

I told my sorority sister that I loved her but apparently, I can't talk and drive the right speed at the same time so I was going to ignore her. She laughed and tricked me into talking to her. But we made it safely into Beaumont with no more "woop woops." Her Chrysler had a lot of pick up and go so I blame her vehicle for being so easy to drive. lol

So...technically, this is all her fault and I think she should pay my ticket or at least for my defensive driving class. Don't you agree? lol

12 Types of Women

I wish I could take credit for this but I sadly cannot. This was in a forward I received in college...almost a decade ago. (Wow...that makes me sound VERY old......)

1. Ms. Gold-Digger
Advantages:
a. You have someone to manage your money.
b. She always look good.
c. She makes your homeboys jealous.
d. She makes you look good.
Disadvantages:
a. When you become broke, she'll be gone and take what you have left.
b. She makes sure she has a child by you to sue you for child support.
c.  Once your homeboy comes up, she'll be on his arm the next day.

2. Ms. Freak (secret lover)
Advantages:
a. She knows all the right positions.
b. She'll try everything more than once.
c. You're never unsatisfied.
d. She'll do all the things your girl won't do.
e. She doesn't mind being your freak, as long as you're one, too.
Disadvantages:
a. Eventually, because she's a woman, she'll end up catching feelings.
b. She starts to act like she's your "main."
c. She messes around with your homeboy and act like you're in the wrong for telling her that she's a freak.
d. Eventually, she gets old. And you need a replacement.

3. Ms. Independent
Advantages:
a. You don't have to worry about buying her anything. She got it.
b. She's intelligent, sassy, confident, and determined.
c. She's great for conversation, especially business-related.
d. She keeps it real and has goals.
e. She knows how to please a man.
Disadvantages:
a. She will continuously let you know that she can handle it on her own.
b. She will eventually say "SCREW YOU" and get a dildo.
c. She will consider you another one of her play toys or goals. 

4. Ms. Dymepiece
Advantages:
a. She's top of the line.
b. She stays looking like a fantasy.
c. She has the body of a goddess with the face to match.
d. She considers herself a "model."
e. Gets you on hard whenever you see her.
f. All the girls envy her but she doesn't care.
Disadvantages:
a. She's superficial. She cares only about her looks.
b. She honestly lacks confidence and will annoy you about the way she looks.
c. She's probably dumb as hell and if she's not, her personality is dry.
d. You have to constantly keep your game up because every dude is going to try to get at her.

5. Ms. Tomboy
Advantages:
a. She's cool and laidback.
b. She'll be willing to play rough with you.
c. Of course she loves sports!
d. Her body is athletically divine.
e. She's easy to talk to and fun to be around.
f. She's a diamond in the rough.
Disadvantages:
a. She'll remind you too much of your homeboys.
b. She might not want to change her appearance.
c. She might actually beat you in basketball, football, and track.

6. Ms. Ghetto
Advantages:
a. She's not afraid of any other woman or man. She will fight to keep you.
b. She's down for you. She'll be there to bail you out of jail.
c. She always stays fresh.
d. She can cook up a storm. 
e. She can make the best out of a bad situation. 
f. She keeps it real and keeps you satisfied.
Disadvantages:
a. She doesn't know how to act in public.
b. Your mama can't stand her.
c. You get into it with her every other second.
d. She's willing to fight another woman for looking at you or her PERIOD.
e. Her weave colors are distracting and her vocabulary is minimal.

7. Ms. Good Girl
Advantages:
a. She's always there for you.
b. She's intelligent, classy, kind, sweet, and cool. 
c. Your mother loves her.
d. You can see yourself falling in love with her.
e. You are her first everything.
f. She makes you feel like a man.
Disadvantages:
a. She's either A or B: A--You're not going to get any until y'all are married or B--She said she's never done it, said she's never tried it, and she's sitting there LYING to you.

8. Ms. Main
Advantages:
a. She is the one your respect.
b. She probably may know about the others but might not care.
c. She has all the qualities you want in a woman.
d. You've been with her forever.
Disadvantages:
a. She starts getting very suspicious and calls you every moment.
b. She will devise a plan to catch you in the act and then kick your ass.

9. Ms. Psycho
Advantages:
a. She's fun and spontaneous.
b. She's down to earth.
c. She loves you unconditionally.
d. Everything about her is too good to be true. So everyone loves her.
e. She makes you feel loved.
Disadvantages:
a. Don't you break up with her. She will stalk your ass.
b. She keeps pictures of you everywhere and knows everything about you.
c. She can manipulate the hell out of you.
d. She will consider herself wifey even if she may just be that chick on the side.
e. Dealing with her can make your life a living hell. 

10. Ms. I Have a Man
Advantages:
a. She may have a man but she'll mess with you anyway.
b. She looks good.
c. You have an intense night of passion with her.
Disadvantages:
a. She'll always come crying to you about the problems with her man.
b. She'll get you caught up and then leave you for her man anyway.
c. If you piss her off, she'll get her man to come beat your ass.
d. She'll unofficially make you her man once she gets pissed off at her real man.

11. Ms. Tease
Advantages:
a. She's tempting and a nice piece of eye candy.
b. She's intelligent, athletic, respectable, and SEXXXXXXXXY.
c. She knows how to turn you on without touching you.
d. Everything she does is just so sensual.
e. She can bring you to that point and make you wait to get it.
f. Every time you see her, you catch a mini orgasm.
g. Every man wants her because she's so mysterious and that makes you want to get her first.
Disadvantages:
a. No matter WHAT you think or do, you NEVER get it.
b. She probably has a long distance boyfriend somewhere that you will never know about.
c. She gets you hard and leaves you like that.

12. Ms. Right
Advantages:
a. She is not sexy, fine, or a dyme. She is beautiful and therefore encompasses all of these descriptions.
b. She is intelligent, sassy, funny, outgoing, determined, strong, and classy.
c. She can cook or at least order a meal that is just like your mother's.
d. Her personality is just as beautiful as her body.
e. She believes in God and follows His virtues.
f. She knows that what a relationship requires and gives her man an extra 10%.
g. She can please her man in any way. Mentally, spiritually, and sexually.
h. She makes you recognize your full potential as a man and completes you.
i. She's always there for you, no matter what your dreams are.
j. She's not afraid to tell you the truth and set you straight.
k. You can talk to her and confide in her. She's your best friend.
l. You love being around her more than your homeboys.
m. You can share your most intimate moments with her without sex.
n. You can have a bad argument with her and have the BEST mind-numbing and passionate love making fest ever.
o. She's always willing to find a way to work out your problems and will often take most of your shit. But she's also intelligent enough to leave.
p. She's nothing like any other woman you've met. She's your woman.
Disadvantages:
a. You've probably met her or had her in your life but got too consumed with all the other types that you let her go.

Ladies, which one are you?
Men, who is the one that you're giving your all to?


 

Never Settle for Mediocrity

"Know why I'm single? Because I refuse to settle. Once before I did, with detrimental results. I don't care how good the sex is, how many kids you have together, how financially well taken care of you are, if you're married, how important image is to you, or how lonely you feel, no one should settle for daily unhappiness. Being alone doesn't make you lonely. You may not be lonely, but you feel very alone. If I'm going to share myself with someone, that bastard will be worth it. *my sermon for the day*" 

I saw this on facebook this morning on someone's status. Oh...it was MINE. I created this status from inspiration from a "relationship" I found myself in recently. I really liked a guy who initially showed an interest in me. Everything started off great. He called and texted regularly. We'd talk for hours. There was no doubt in my mind that he was a good guy that really liked me for the person that I am. We laughed. We joked. We shared things with each other. We hung out. And then, things slowly started to change. I'd catch him in a lie. Then two. Then three. It was hurtful because he had no reason to lie to me. He understood that if he spoke the truth at the beginning, he wouldn't have gotten as far with me as he has. And that is a problem that I face daily in the "dating" world. Guys begin relationships upon shaky foundations of LIES and when the TRUTH comes about, everything begins to crumble. It's hard to believe what anyone ever says anymore once they are caught in a lie or two. 

With all that being said, I am single. I have made a conscious decision to stay that way and I have shut off the entryway into my heart until someone is truly and unselfishly willing to pay the toll. While I will miss him, I know that it is for the best. I have a low to zero tolerance for liars. I have absolutely no patience for sneakiness. I have a huge pet peeve for sometimey behavior. Don't be one way with me one day and then shady the next. 

I see people who are in unhealthy relationships for several reasons. "We have kids together and I can't do that to the kids." Look at what you ARE doing to the kids. Violent outbursts. Spiteful cursing. Screaming day in and day out. You think that is healthy for your kids to watch and hear? You think being in a 2-parent household is healthier when you're always yelling at each other? Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. They typically put out what is put in. When you are arguing constantly and disrespecting each other, you are putting in them the message that that is a normal way to settle arguments. You are creating (or continuing) an unhealthy cycle that is not successful and hurts all involved, whether directly or indirectly. 

This is why I left my child's dad before my daughter was born. We got to the point where we argued everyday. We hated each other. I tried to make it work for the sake of our daughter, but I knew that nothing would change. I wanted to give her a fair shot in the world and I couldn't do that trying to maintain a relationship with her highly unstable father. Now, after moving back to my hometown, within a month, he came down to visit and I tried reconciling then, hoping that the time apart helped him rethink some things, but *fortunately*, it didn't. I gave up and I think that was the best thing I have done for my daughter. She may not have her father around, but she's happy.  

"I'd rather have a warm bed tonight." So. You're willing to accept ANYBODY because you don't want to be alone? This is usually a product of low self-worth or low self-esteem. You get your warmth for the night and end up having a "cold" day, if you know what I mean. This person doesn't love you. They know that you're willing to drop your standards (if you have any) just so that you can have company for a few hours. They are getting what they want: a free lay without the commitment. Unless you don't really care to be that *ahem* open...but usually, you do care. You've just hardened yourself up to act like you don't. 

I was guilty of this once upon a time. Breaking it off with my child's dad, a man that I really loved, was very hard on me and eventually took its toll. I was a single parent, something I never thought I would be, cleaning hotel rooms for a living, something I never thought I would do, and hated my life. I was in a bad mental place and I allowed men to say and do whatever because I was trying to fill a void, an emptiness in my heart, left by my child's dad. I knew I was worth more than these guys were treating me, but my need to feel loved was greater. I'm SO glad I got out of that horrific phase in my life. 

"If we break up, what will everybody say? What will they think?" WHO CARES?! This is YOUR relationship. YOUR life. YOUR feelings. YOUR emotions. YOUR HAPPINESS! Don't worry about some f***in' image that society has brainwashed us with thinking that {THIS} is the way {OUR} happiness should be. Screw what others think! You are the master of your universe. Take freakin' control of the wheel. If you're not content with your relationship, try to work it out, and if it doesn't, LEAVE! No one is forcing you to stay unhappy!

I was very guilty of this as well. I dated my first boyfriend for 5 years. Two of them, I looked at him on a platonic level. He was a great guy. Sweet, caring, attentive, and thoughtful. Everything a girl with sense would want in a man. But somehow, I didn't feel....satisfied. I was content...but I wasn't happy. I was naive and curious about being with other guys, like dating around and weighing my options. But because we had dated all throughout college and we got along so well, people thought we would get married and have this awesome life together. I didn't know how to get out of it at 23 without hurting him and disappointing everyone else. Eventually, I had to. I regret hurting him but I knew if I would have stayed, I would have caused more damage. 

"I don't know how to leave. The sex is just SO GOOD." This is by far one of the STUPIDEST (yes, I typed a non-existent word) reasons to stay in a relationship. D*** and p**** shouldn't be why one should stay in a relationship. While I understand how sex rules the world and makes people say and do dumb things, you should have a stronger foundation than "the sex is the bomb." A lot of people think that they won't be able to find someone as good to lay them, which is why they stay with Mr. Jerk, Mr. Bipolar, Ms. Ghetto, Ms. Ratchet, etc. etc. "Man, I don't know ANYBODY that can give me h*** like Ms. Chickenhead." "Giiiiirl, no one lays the pipe down the way Mr. Emotionally Unavailable can!" Read those 2 sentences again. Tell me they're not DUMB. Unless you have had sex with every single person on this planet, you can't possibly say some ignorant sh*t like that and believe it to be true. Penises and vaginas are everywhere. Quality isn't.

Again. I am guilty. My child's father knew how to have great sex. With unexperienced me, I didn't have much to compare it to. I was enamored. I should have left him early in our relationship for a plethora of reasons, but I didn't because I was...whipped. Could I find someone else that would give me such satisfaction as him? I scared myself into thinking that I couldn't. I knew long after that pretty much the ONLY reason he was so good at it was not because he had so much experience or that he was such a pleaser in bed...nope. It was because that was ALL HE HAD TO OFFER. Beware of the man whose only gift to you is his penis.

"I'm married." SO?! I don't have some cute little anecdote about this excuse because I have never been married. However, throughout my observations, marriage shouldn't equate to acceptance of domestic violence. Pain. Hurt. Sadness. Cheating. Marriage is a relationship with legal responsibilities behind it but that doesn't mean accept bullshit behind having a ring. Yes, there is that whole "for better or worse" line in those generalized vows, but does that mean settle for a man hitting you? Disrespecting you and calling you out of your name? What about in front of your kids? Cheating on you, not once, but frequently? The list goes on and on. Some things, once the trust is broken, it can't be fixed. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, despite the world we live in. However, a ring and a piece of paper shouldn't tell you that now, you are imprisoned to a life of settling for crap. 

I have allowed men to come into my world and hurt me. I used to joke that maybe I was a glutton for punishment. As I get older, I realize that my patience for "Tom Foolery" is pretty thin. I deserve ALL of a man, nothing less than 100%. If I'm willing to give my all to someone, dammit, I deserve all of that in return. I don't ask for much. If you're not willing to be full-time, then I shouldn't give you any of my time. I am still learning this. While I can come across as being a no-nonsense, headstrong kind of woman, I still have a desire to be loved. However....

...NEVER settle.

Pity...Party of 1

Courtesy of Google Images

My daughter is spending the weekend at my sister's house and it's good for both of us. She gets to play with her cousins (it can get pretty bland as an only child, I'm sure) and I can cry in peace. Yes. I've been crying on and off all day. I don't know what it is about today but I've been in my feelings since I woke up. I've been cleaning my bedroom as a way to keep my mind off of whatever it is that is depressing me and it works...temporarily.

I saw a quote on facebook that I find to be highly accurate: "The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her." This quote is so powerful to me because I have never had a man to really love me. I have had guys use me and lie to me, even abuse me, but never love me. Too many men do and say whatever, pretending they want to be involved in my future, when all they want is what they can have NOW. So you may wonder...what is wrong with ME? Why do I keep allowing guys to hurt me?

I wish I had a simple answer like, "Oh, I have daddy issues" or "I can't stand being alone." Neither are true. My daddy wasn't there, true, but I'm an adult with quite a bit of intelligence and after a certain age, you can't keep blaming your past for what is going on in your present. It can suck being alone at times, but I'm not that desperate for companionship. Being alone doesn't make one lonely. 

So what the hell is it?

The men I deal with are similar to lawyers. They present themselves as having the most quality. They make themselves sound great. You tell them what is wrong and they offer you everything you need. But they say anything to get what they want from you. And by then, it's too effin' late. You're knee deep in it now. It's hard separating what your heart wants from what your head wants once your feelings are involved. It's almost as if these men prey on my weaknesses and get me where they want me and once they feel I'm of no real need anymore, they start slowly riding off into the sunset until their silhouette is no more.

I am a passionate person which is easily confused with being overly emotional. Like I stated in a previous blog post, I'm a Cancer and that's how we roll. I want people to know how I'm feeling. When I feel that I can't share my feelings with the person I need to share them with and I attempt to bottle them up, it drives me absolutely insane and actually makes the situation worse. My feelings can come across as a little overdramatic, I'm certain of it. But one thing is for sure: my feelings ARE genuine. You'll never have to guess what is going on in my mind. 

When I love, I love hard. While that is a blessing, it's also a curse, particularly when the love isn't returned. When I'm feeling someone, they'll know it. I believe in showing a man how I feel about him. I listen to him. I comfort him. I try to be his best friend. His confidante. A great lover. All the things I'd expect from him. So when I don't get it, it hurts like hell. 

I understand I am a convenience to some. I'm available. I listen. I'm just always there. I'm fun. I laugh. I'm easygoing. I'm laid-back. I'm easy to talk to. I think that's my issue. I'm too much of a "friend" to these guys who aren't good friends to me. I'm sick and tired of feeling like an afterthought. I'm tired of being used up because I'm a good person that deserves the best kind of love there is. I'm not some ho you'd find flirting with every guy at the club or having my breasts hanging out my shirt or sleeping with everyone at work. I'm a quality woman all the way around. It's a shame that no one has seen the value in that yet. 

I'm also sad because I'm worried about my unemployment benefits. Tomorrow, (Sunday the 21st), I'll find out if I'll be continuing to receive them. I'm so nervous because what am I going to do about money and bills and my daughter and everything if I have no job and have no income coming in? 

And I have no job. I feel like my life is wasting away. I feel that all the education and skills that I have gained from having my degree are slowly wasting away as well. I haven't been working in 15 months, the longest I have ever been unemployed, and I'm beyond discouraged. I'm frustrated. I feel like employers waste my time (so similar to these men) when they have no intent of hiring me. I put in these apps and send in my resumes, all in vain. I see why people give up. Now, I can't because I have my daughter to think about and I enjoy getting money, but in all honesty? Being unemployed is keeping me in a place I'm trying to escape. I can't move forward. That in itself takes a toll. Just imagine unemployment being glue that both your feet are stuck in. Everything is floating in front of you: A job. Money. Cars. Clothes. Newest technology. Success. Happiness. You reach out but you can't move because you're stuck in that one place. The longer you're stuck, the further everything becomes out of reach. After a while, you want to just stop reaching and give up hope. And what's even MORE frustrating? You know that if you give up, you definitely won't be able to grasp what you want. 

I think today, I've just been overwhelmed by a lot of things and I'm glad my daughter isn't here. That's probably why I have been crying because she's not here. I don't cry in front of my daughter because she is sensitive and I don't want to get her upset. Maybe this has been bottled up for some time and I just had to release it today. I don't know. All I know is, I wish I knew when things would get better for me.

Women & Orgasms

DISCLAIMER: Before you read this, know that there is graphic content within this blog post. If you are easily offended or disgusted, or you just see me as a square who would NEVER talk or type like this, please go to the top right-hand corner, and click the X. You have been warned.  

Courtesy of Google Images

 
It's very fulfilling to a woman when she can have an orgasm, whether it is self-induced or not. A woman, after a certain age, should definitely be able to make herself orgasm. If a guy can get a woman to orgasm, he's doing something quite right. Well...what about those men who don't? The ones you have to FAKE for?

Women fake orgasms for a couple of reasons. They normally fake it because a man isn't doing a good job down below. Usually, a guy thinks he's doing something SPECTACULAR down there but he's not really paying attention to his woman to see if she's actually enjoying it. All he is thinking of is how his body is feeling. That's usually the guy who finishes and after catching his breath asks, "Did you c*m?" If a woman has made absolutely no sound of pleasure during the X amount of minutes of your sexual intercourse, chances are, she didn't. After sex, if a woman is laying there STARING at you silently, chances are, she didn't. If a man has to ask if a woman orgasmed or not, chances are, she didn't. You SUCK. Most women know how fragile the male ego is when it comes to his penis and his abilities in the sack. As women, we do these men an injustice. They're walking around thinking they are the bomb dot com (thank you, Tamar Braxton, for coining that fabulously awesome phrase) and in reality? THEY SUCK! They are not good. The technique sucks. The strokes suck. Just everything about everything sucks. We don't want to hurt feelings. We don't want to make them feel bad. But they continue to have sex with you or other women thinking they they are the Hercules' of sexual capability when they are more like Hades, the god of HELL.

A woman fakes it because sometimes, you men take too freakin' long to "get yours." After a while, it becomes uncomfortable for the woman so she fakes it to speed up the process. It's annoying that you're doing all this work, sweating, breathing all hard, and for what? She's turned off by now and you're still pumping. Look, it's very "romantic" and all to "make love until the sun comes up." But really? No. It shouldn't take you more than 30 minutes to ejaculate. Even then, that can be a long time for some women, but if a guy is calling himself "holding back" and trying to please the woman, then 30 minutes is ample time for both parties to "get theirs." 

A woman fakes it because she's just not in the mood and she wants you to go ahead and get yours because you men sometimes are big ass babies when it comes to wanting sex. No matter if we truly have headaches or we're sick or we're sore or just not 100% or just DON'T WANT IT AT THAT MOMENT, y'all whine and beg and plead and nag until we give in. Some men even go as far as to say, "If you don't, someone else will." (If a man says that to you, let him. Pray that he catches something that makes it burn fire when he pees. And then dump him because he doesn't respect you.). Women do what it takes to please the men we care for and love. Sometimes, at the sake of what we want. We give in. But because we're not in the mood, it's dry. Literally and figuratively. We fake it so that a man can get turned on more thinking, "Ha, I knew I'd get her in the mood," and he can do his thing more quickly.

Women, let's stop making these guys feel that they are good in bed when actually they are not. They need to be taught how to please us and do the right things for our bodies. Porn has made them delusional and given them unrealistic expectations. Let's put a stop to the madness. We have to start a movement. The "Help Them F***, Not SUCK" movement. It'll make a whole lot of women a whole lot happier. When a woman is happy, everyone else is. Trust me.

And for your reading pleasure, please read a poem that I penned describing an experience one has had regarding this very issue. It is a graphic erotica piece, so if the blog post made you uncomfortable, even after the written disclaimer, this poem will definitely get you sweating. FYI. 

A Poem of Pure Disappointment & Pissivity

By Constance G.

Blessings

Courtesy of Google Images

I was laid off from my job of almost 4 years in July 2011. It was something that I totally was not expecting. I worked my butt off the previous school year at a brand new school as a social worker that I ended up flourishing at, I did extra work, and I helped other campuses with their casework. I got along with the faculty and staff and the kids couldn't stay out of my office because they enjoyed all I did for them. I went out of pocket a lot of times to make sure they had what they needed. So during my 3rd day of my summer VACATION, I received a phone call that was odd and my gut told me that I was about to be fired. My supervisor asked me to come in. We got along fairly well so I joked with him and said, "What, am I about to be FIRED? *chuckle*" Sure enough, I was laid off due to "reduction in workforce." I cried while he profusely apologized for his supervisor's decision. I asked a lot of questions before walking away from my life: "Where is SHE (his supervisor)? Why didn't SHE lay me off? I am your ONLY licensed social worker...why me? What did I do wrong? There are people here who were hired just this year who get to keep their jobs...why am I one of the ones let go? How is it that I am conveniently being let go at the end of the pay period?" He couldn't answer any of my questions because he was blindsided as well. I went back that following Friday to talk to HER and ask her why I was laid off instead of some of the newcomers or some of the ones who never made their quota on caseloads. She gave me the runaround (basically, she pulled a "Romney") and said, "If there is an opening, you'll be the first I call." I didn't thank her, I didn't even acknowledge that lie. I just walked out. I was pissed. I cried for days. How was I going to pay my bills? How was I going to eat? School is next month...how am I going to buy my daughter's clothes and school supplies? What the HELL am I going to do??

It has been about 15 months since I was laid off. God has been very good to me, even when I've felt that I wouldn't be able to make it. I have made every monthly rent payment, meaning I haven't been evicted. My lights haven't been cut off. My daughter not only got all of her school supplies, but she also got her uniform clothes (and her school gave me extra ones!). We have food in the pantry and refrigerator. My phone hasn't been cut off. All my miscellaneous bills are taken care of. My car finally has been paid off (no more car notes!). The time I have been unemployed, I took advantage of my time to get back into writing and I published my first book (My 1st Published Book <----shameless plug lol). I have the poetry for my 2nd book completed. I started this blog. I can spend time volunteering at my daughter's school. I am available to family that need me during the week. My eye has been bothering me for a couple of weeks and I had to go see an optometrist. I don't have insurance anymore, but one of my sorority sisters (EE-YIP!) is an eye doctor and she assisted me in getting my eye exam completed plus provided me with contacts and solution. She is an absolute Godsend and without her, it would have been difficult to come up with the money to pay for it. Because of her assistance, I am able to afford glasses with my new prescription. My sorority sisters have been very supportive of me, whether it's purchasing my book or paying my way to our Regional conference. 

Do I even want to go back to work? YES I DO!!!!!!!! I look for jobs and apply often to no avail. If I don't find a job by the end of November, I will relocate to the Dallas area, where the jobs are more abundant. But even though I get a very small income from UI benefits monthly, I have been able to budget it in a way where I can still maintain my modest lifestyle. I have people around me that care about me (or maybe they care more for my daughter's well-being lol) and I know who I can call on if I truly need real help. 

Despite being unemployed and low on funds, I can say one thing: I am truly blessed.