Can I REALLY Handle It?

He'll Take The Pain Away

Today has been really sad for me. I find myself tearing up when I don't want to. Reality has hit me: I'm putting in my 30 day notice to my apartment complex. What's the big deal? Why you so sad, Constance? I have created a comfortable, stable home for my child and myself. I have what I need, a little of what I want...it's perfect for a homebody like myself. It wouldn't be so bad to put the notice in if I knew I had a place to live. 

I feel like an abandoned child, like no one wants me. And it's breaking my heart. I had Plan A renege on me and now Plan B has. I was so excited about Plan B that I told the world. Apparently, I did so prematurely. I'm in a position of true need and it's like everyone is fucking with my emotions (excuse the language). I'm frustrated because I don't know what to do. This is the first time since my daughter was born that I feel like I'm truly failing her as a mother. I'm taking her from the stability and comfort of her home and quite possibly her school, where she is excelling and doing well, to go....where? I had every intent on going to the Dallas area and now, I'm not so sure. No one has space. No one wants to help. Right now, I feel very alone. 

So what are my options? I can stay in Beaumont, but with whom? And even if I did, apparently, the Beaumont area is not hiring me. Beaumont has let me know that for 16 months now. What about Houston? Well, yeah...but who can I stay with? And Dallas seems to be unrealistic at this moment. I feel that maybe my options would open up if I had a job lined up. Then people won't feel that I'm gonna be at their home mooching for months going on a year or two. 

Apparently, people don't see the effort I'm putting forth into making things work for myself without the need of outside sources. People don't understand that I have the most basic of needs. I don't care about the size of a place, as long as I have a roof over my head. People don't understand that I am strong-minded and highly independent and that I don't want to live off of them. People think that if I go live with them, I'm going to have the same situation that I had with my child's father, bringing drama and turmoil into the home. Men are the last things on my mind--almost non-existent. I want to find a job to be able to take care of my daughter without having to rely on the government or other people.

I find it disheartening and extremely disappointing that so many aren't willing to get out of their comfort zone for a person that they supposedly care about.

It hurts that so many people have seemingly turned their backs on me when I need them the most. Who wants to hear, "Awww...it'll be okay" over and over and over and over and over again? It's like a child being abused at home that makes an outcry to teachers and the teachers say, "Oh little Johnny, it'll get better, I promise." He doesn't want to hear that. He wants to hear that something will be done so that he can feel and be safe. 

I'm tired. 

I've had some thoughts of an ungodly nature. Thoughts that would surely make all the pain go away. But it's selfish and no one is going to take care of my child the way I would. 

I've had some thoughts about doing things against my moral beliefs. Thoughts that would surely take care of a lot of the issues I'm currently facing. But I just can't. 

I wish I had more support. Hell, I wish I had support period. Once again, I have to prove to the world just how TOUGH I am by making it out of this dilemma.

I want someone to take over. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm strong yet I can't stop crying.

I'm pissed.

I'm angry. 

I'm frustrated.

I even asked God does He exist. I instantly regretted it because of course He does. But out of my frustration, I wondered what the hell I've done so wrong to deserve this kind of roadblock. 

Before you even say it, YES, I'll ALWAYS continue to pray like I've been doing all this time. NO, I won't give up. Failure is not an option for me. I have a daughter to think about. No matter what, she comes first and foremost. NO, I'm not just looking for social work jobs. NO, I'm not going to just apply to anything for the sake of having a job. I have to be realistic. "The school is accepting apps for a licensed counselor, isn't that similar to social work?" Similar but not the same. "Apply for it anyway." NEXT! "The gas station is hiring!" Yeah, but in order for me to maintain my bills without going in more debt, I'd have to work practically all day or get another job. Then what am I going to do with Tati? "Don't you have family?" Yeah. A highly unreliable one. NEXT! "You have a college degree. You can do anything." Smh, such a common misconception...and I have no IDEA why it's so common!

I have cried 3 times since writing this and I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm annoyed at the world. I'm annoyed at friends. I'm annoyed at family. I don't know how people view me but I'm not the only person out of work. There are respectable professionals who are just as unemployed as me. 

Some people come from money. Some people married into money. Some people have never been unemployed. Some people work hard and have 2 (or more) incomes coming into the household. Those people are some of the first to pass judgment and tell you what you're doing wrong. I do NOT enjoy being unemployed. I do NOT enjoy not having a real income. I do NOT enjoy stressing out about what bills I need to pay and which ones have to be late or go unpaid. I don't sit back enjoying my life of "luxury" because I'm collecting UI benefits. I've been unemployed twice before but this is the only time I've been unemployed for this long. The first time was 2 months, the second time was 6 months. I'm going on a year and a half now and I'm feeling inadequate.

I just want to be okay. And I need a little help along the way. I hope I get it in the form of a job because I'm tired of worrying about it all. I know things will be okay, but it's still frustrating.

More Than I Can Bear

Abandon friend...ship?

I have a friend that I used to call "best friend" and now this friend is more like just a friend that I've known longer than all the others. It's been going this way for quite some time. Not sure how but it has. Well, I spoke to this friend's mom today and she told me that my friend had to speak to a surgeon about a cyst that was found. I was shocked because of course, I didn't know. 

I go to visit my friend at work to check on her and she doesn't seem to care that I'm there. No biggie. She's at work and probably tired, especially since she was by herself. I asked her about her cyst and she says, "Yeah. I've known for 2 months. Yep. 2 months." I hope I didn't read too much into this, but she said it as if it's my fault that I didn't know that. So then we just talk about old friends of ours and then her place of business starts getting busy so I step to the side to let her work. Once I noticed it wasn't quieting down any time soon, I walked up to her and said that we (my daughter and I) would be leaving. 

Her: "You know you can call me." 
Me: "I know that."
"Yeah, you can text me, too. If you called, I'd answer."
"I know..."
"Yeah, I don't facebook like that."
"Mmhmm...."
"You can also come by."
"Well, you know I'm leaving for Dallas next month."
"Yeah. Yeah. I know. You can still call." 
"You know you can always call me, too."
"Yeah. But you can call me."
"Well, I was going to come by more often since I'm taking off next month."
"Yeah."
"Alright. Bye then."
"Bye."

It was the most awkward conversation I've ever had with her. It was almost like she was reprimanding me for not initiating conversation with her. The whole time, she was talking to me like I was a child. She also didn't seem to care that I was leaving for Dallas. I know she's been wanting to go back north for quite some time. There has always been some underlying rivalry between us so me beating her to the punch may not necessarily sit well with her. To say we used to be best friends, she didn't congratulate me or wish me well. 

She doesn't facebook often, but she does facebook. I had her as a favorite so anything she did on facebook, I received a notification about it. However, I'm addicted to fb so I understand what she means by "I don't facebook like that."

As far as communicating, I will take partial blame for it. I don't call, text, or visit the way I used to. I have my reasons, which may seem petty, but they also seem justified. One, she works and I don't. Her hours are all over the place so I'd rather not call or text because I know she couldn't answer anyway. Two, the last few times I have texted her, her responses seemed standoffish like I was bothering her. Turned me off a little bit. Three, because I don't have a job, I can't afford to use up gas the way I used to. She lives across town from me and it's hard to go see her as much. However, she passes my area up to and from work and she not once stops by. Ever. 

Communication goes both ways. I shouldn't be held solely responsible for keeping up the lines of communication. If you want to call, call. If you want to text, text. If you know I stay on facebook, then shoot me a message. I didn't appreciate feeling like I was completely in the wrong when it came to us talking.

I've noticed that we're not as close as we used to be. She seems more and more annoyed with me which in turn, makes me withdraw more and more. I feel bad for her health issues and the fact that she still stays at home, regardless if it's helping her family out or not, but I'd hope I'd be an outlet for all that, not something contributing to her bothers. She prefers to shop with other friends. Shopping has never been my forte. She likes to go out of town and paint the town red. I can't afford to go out of town just for the hell of it and waste money. I have priorities. Our likes aren't similar. What we find to be most important aren't alike anymore. 

We're growing apart. 

It stings a little because we used to be so close but things happen. I don't know what goes on in her life anymore other than her shopping, working long hours, going out to eat, and driving out of town. I'm assuming she knows nothing of what's going on in my world because she doesn't ask. I stopped calling her my best friend a long time ago because I didn't feel that we were in all honesty. I think we gave each other that title because we've known each other for over 20 years. Just seemed right. 

I did tell her and her mom that I would visit more and make a better effort to communicate. I know she won't call, text, or come by and I feel that she's putting it all on me, which is fine. I have one more month here. I can do all the footwork on our disintegrating relationship until *poof* it goes up in smoke. I will always care about her. She has done a lot for me over the years but this past couple of years...it's like our friendship is non-existent. I'm not depressed over it but I'm not leaping with joy, either. I actually think it's kind of sad but what can I do? She feels that she doesn't have to do anything and she can do just that: nothing. But relationships, ALL KINDS, take both parties to do work and it won't if it's one-sided. 

I have learned this year, particularly during this time of unemployment where I can actually sit and think, that I don't have as many CLOSE friends as I thought I had. I'm really excited to go back up to DFW and have a fresh start by meeting new people and beginning new friendships during this new chapter in my life. I have great friends that I will always cherish but apparently, some of the CLOSE ones that I considered to be at the top of my "Friendship Ladder" have crawled their way down the rungs. Guess that's life. 

Am I buggin?

The Exodus

As you know, I have been unemployed for 15 months and struggling to find a job in my hometown of Beaumont, TX. It's been tough making sure my bills are paid and my daughter is taken care of. But I've made it. And now...I'm moving. I am FINALLY relocating to the Dallas/Fort Worth area and I'm super excited. I love that place and I KNOW I will find a job up there because the jobs are abundant. I will miss my family and my friends here in Beaumont and they don't want us to leave (probably more because of my daughter) but I am tired of being broke. Tired of feeling like I'm wasting my life. I have got to work. Get my sense of purpose back.

I was going to stay with my best friend who offered his place for me a couple of months back. The closer it got to it actually happening, he sort of kind of reneged on me. It hurt and disappointed me a lot because I knew how he felt about me being down in Beaumont and that I couldn't grow professionally down here. I planned my move around his offer. Well, I went into survival mode and placed an ad (a status lol) about needing to be "adopted" by someone in Dallas so that I could have a place to stay. The first and only person to respond was my child's dad's sister. 

I had met her for the first time about 2 years ago. I was nervous because I didn't know how she would take me because of my relationship with her brother. But she was super cool and very down to earth...completely unexpected. If anything, she was on MY side. I hung out with her again with her other brother and they were both just really cool people that I could see myself hanging out with regularly. 

With that being said, I'm very excited to finally be able to move and have a place to stay. It actually works out because I'll have my own space and my daughter could have her own as well (even though she would probably share most of it with her slightly younger cousin). It sure beats sleeping on a couch! It'll also be cool because my daughter will have someone to play with. She won't be completely alone up there. After talking to my "sister-in-law," I feel very comfortable moving there and I also feel that I won't be "rushed" to move there and move out, even though I plan on staying no longer than 3 months. 

I'm just grateful that she offered her assistance to help me transition and get back on my feet. The longer my life goes on, the more I realize that dealing with my child's dad has a lot of benefits disguised as different things. He might even blow a gasket when he finds out, because he will. *child support* 

After 5 1/2 years, I'm finally moving back and while I'm stoked about it, it is a bittersweet feeling. I have established many relationships down here and created a comfortable, routine life for my daughter. In the long run, it's the best decision for both of us.

Rambling Rant

Jar of Hearts 

I cry as I write this. 

You ever envisioned your life as being a certain way? Doing things the right way, finding success and happiness in everything? I mean, who doesn't, right? I am no exception. Because my childhood had had so many rough patches in it, I wanted my adult life to be completely different. I was going to graduate high school, immediately go to college, graduate, then go for my Masters, graduate, find a job doing something I love making a good salary that I can spend a little and save a lot, buy a house, fall in love. Typical dream of a woman, hmm?

The 15 months I have been unemployed has been very taxing on me, my finances, and my emotions. I feel like along the way, I have failed terribly. And what hurts the most? Is that I can't provide the life for my daughter that I promised her when she entered this world. 

Once upon a time, I was really happy and proud of myself and now, I can't say that. Yeah, I've done things during my long period of unemployment that are worth recognition, but I can't find real enjoyment in them. Yeah, I paid off my car. I still worry that if I fill up my gas tank, will I have enough money for <that> bill. Yeah, I published a book. My own mama hasn't bought it yet. Yeah, I still have my apartment. Will I be able to pay next month's rent? Blah blah blah blah. 

I am 30 and find myself, particularly recently for whatever reason, being very lonely. I don't know why but I find myself crying at the loneliness. I feel that I will never have that companion. Like I will never be loved. I've been used by men all my life and even the ones that I thought had potential and were genuine played the game very well in which I ended up losing. Again. 

Social services like to deny deny DENY if you're not living in the streets and using the minimal benefits offered to you to be an adult and actually pay your bills. They usually will help you when you're about to be evicted or you have disconnect notices for everything. What about those struggling BEFORE shit starts to really hit the fan? And excuse me for having one daughter versus 8 with 7 baby daddies. *rolls eyes*

I see why people give up. It's frustrating trying to do the right thing and stay afloat when no one wants to throw you a life jacket. The only way they MIGHT help you is if you're actually losing the fight underwater.

When I ask for help from others, it's not because I'd rather spend someone else's money than my own. Nope. Too prideful for that. It's because I genuinely need it. And it hurts when you have some people that have but aren't willing to help or those that make you feel bad for even asking in the first place and it definitely sucks when they throw it in your face about your situation. I pretend like I'm not but I'm actually very sensitive about not having a job and having a real income to provide for my daughter and me. It kills me when I see people throwing away money or bragging about their next big purchase (whether it's from their own pockets or their well-to-do husbands). It's similar to people who can actually make a difference spending their money on solid gold toilets with platinum-encrusted toilet seat lids instead of helping out their struggling mother. The principle is the same, at least to me it is.

I have fought life the majority of my life. I'm tired. I'm tired of the being the "strong" one. Sometimes, I just want to be taken care of. Allowed off my feet to relax and not have to worry about LIFE, even if it's for a day. I just want someone to take my hand and say, "Constance? I got this."

I love writing because I was full of tears at the beginning of this rant and now, I feel better. Writing. My self-therapy for 20 years. 

Don't Worry Be Happy