Today, I went to match.com. Why? I don't know. Those silly commercials where people go on there to create profiles and find matches and end up falling in love and then marrying...it provided some kind of foggy hope for me. I actually created a profile. But I didn't subscribe. Why? I don't know...I just feel like even if I were to pay with my hard-earned pennies to be able to view emails and send them, I feel like men will go through great lengths to get what they want, even if that means pretending to be someone everyone wants....you know....LYING. Too many men play mind games (and yes, women do, too, but I'm not interested in women and therefore, I will not be discussing their faults). So with that being said, is my money worth the trouble?
I am single but I would love to share my heart with someone. It just seems that no one cares to take the time to truly see what my heart possesses and if they DO, they're "not ready" for a committed relationship with me...which usually translates into "I'm with someone already." I want to be loved but I'm not desperate enough to settle. Even so, I'm scared to get into any relationship because I feel that no one will truly love me. I don't know how to love halfway and I have shared myself with a couple of guys that either didn't deserve it or couldn't share themselves with me in the same way.
I don't trust men. From the moment I was born, no man has really BEEN THERE for me. I never had someone to protect me or love me. A lot of women have at least a grandfather or an uncle or a big brother or a cousin who has their back or was a role model for them. I never had that. The one man that I spoke highly of and truly felt was a part of a dying breed betrayed my trust this past weekend and it caused so much confusion that I completely removed myself from him.
I went to San Antonio for a funeral, not only because I cared for the person who passed away, but as support for a friend, who happened to be my ex. Since breaking up 7 years ago, he became a father and has a civil relationship with the mother of his child, who follows him around like a lost little puppy dog. Does she do it in my presence so as to mark her territory and let me know who is the one in his life now? Not sure. He reassured me over and over again that they were not together and expressed an interest in having a second chance at our relationship. I actually thought about it but knew it wouldn't work. Why? Two reasons: I'm interested in someone else and one of the reasons we didn't work was because he was too passive for me. Great guy, but can get completely run over. We hung out a couple of times and things were cool like they always were when we got together.
Last day in SA, I get a knock on my door...my ex disappears out of the door and I'm confused...who could it be? Oh...his child's mother ranting and raving because he was hanging out with me. And he gets into his car and leaves. No explanation, no anything. She comes back and knocks on my door and I ignore her. Whatever issues she had, I'm not the one to help her with them. I texted him. I called him. I even facebooked him. He sent me sporadic texts. "I had to go home." "I'm a terrible person." "I'm just like all the other guys. I'm sorry for dragging you in this mess." What mess? What is he talking about? And that was it. It's been over a week and that was all I got. Hadn't heard from him since. He's the kind of guy that would prefer to get run over than stand up for himself and face confrontation. As if he's afraid. Fear isn't necessarily a weakness but when you don't stand up for what you believe in, it becomes one. And he definitely owns that weakness.
With all that being said, I have lost faith in good men. Not that they don't exist...they just don't exist for me. Sure...I should be patient, right? I should just let God send me somebody, right? If my ex, the only man I praised, could ruin a 12-year friendship behind foolishness and mess, then why should I believe they have any good ones out there for me?
Maybe they do. Maybe I should just go ahead and pay the $68 for a 3 month subscription on match.com and call it a night. Maybe.
I am single but I would love to share my heart with someone. It just seems that no one cares to take the time to truly see what my heart possesses and if they DO, they're "not ready" for a committed relationship with me...which usually translates into "I'm with someone already." I want to be loved but I'm not desperate enough to settle. Even so, I'm scared to get into any relationship because I feel that no one will truly love me. I don't know how to love halfway and I have shared myself with a couple of guys that either didn't deserve it or couldn't share themselves with me in the same way.
I don't trust men. From the moment I was born, no man has really BEEN THERE for me. I never had someone to protect me or love me. A lot of women have at least a grandfather or an uncle or a big brother or a cousin who has their back or was a role model for them. I never had that. The one man that I spoke highly of and truly felt was a part of a dying breed betrayed my trust this past weekend and it caused so much confusion that I completely removed myself from him.
I went to San Antonio for a funeral, not only because I cared for the person who passed away, but as support for a friend, who happened to be my ex. Since breaking up 7 years ago, he became a father and has a civil relationship with the mother of his child, who follows him around like a lost little puppy dog. Does she do it in my presence so as to mark her territory and let me know who is the one in his life now? Not sure. He reassured me over and over again that they were not together and expressed an interest in having a second chance at our relationship. I actually thought about it but knew it wouldn't work. Why? Two reasons: I'm interested in someone else and one of the reasons we didn't work was because he was too passive for me. Great guy, but can get completely run over. We hung out a couple of times and things were cool like they always were when we got together.
Last day in SA, I get a knock on my door...my ex disappears out of the door and I'm confused...who could it be? Oh...his child's mother ranting and raving because he was hanging out with me. And he gets into his car and leaves. No explanation, no anything. She comes back and knocks on my door and I ignore her. Whatever issues she had, I'm not the one to help her with them. I texted him. I called him. I even facebooked him. He sent me sporadic texts. "I had to go home." "I'm a terrible person." "I'm just like all the other guys. I'm sorry for dragging you in this mess." What mess? What is he talking about? And that was it. It's been over a week and that was all I got. Hadn't heard from him since. He's the kind of guy that would prefer to get run over than stand up for himself and face confrontation. As if he's afraid. Fear isn't necessarily a weakness but when you don't stand up for what you believe in, it becomes one. And he definitely owns that weakness.
With all that being said, I have lost faith in good men. Not that they don't exist...they just don't exist for me. Sure...I should be patient, right? I should just let God send me somebody, right? If my ex, the only man I praised, could ruin a 12-year friendship behind foolishness and mess, then why should I believe they have any good ones out there for me?
Maybe they do. Maybe I should just go ahead and pay the $68 for a 3 month subscription on match.com and call it a night. Maybe.
Goodness! Try a little positive thinking!!! Men aren't too fond of bitter, negative women
ReplyDeleteSee this as God moving the wrong people out you circle to make room for the right ones. A good man makes mistakes but never abandons anyone. So maybe he wasn't as good as originally thought.
ReplyDeleteI don't necessarily think I'm bitter. I don't sit there basking in anger hating on all things with a penis. I'm just being realistic. Usually, some people are quick to judge when they hadn't gone through the same experience, but it's okay. :)
ReplyDeleteHe probably wasn't as good as I thought...guess that was me attempting to be positive. ;)
ReplyDelete