Untitled Poem #2
I've been forced to move out of the comforts of my home and it's been a very hard adjustment but I do try to keep smiling and going about my day. My daughter has adjusted better but I can tell when sometimes, it just is a little too much for her.
Don't know what to do next.
I actually had suicidal thoughts a week ago. Hadn't seriously thought of suicide since I was a young child being molested by a damn deacon and had no one taking my side. Only 2 things kept me from doing so: 1. My daughter. Who will take care of her? Who will truly raise her and love her the way I do? NO ONE. 2. I'll be damned before I give those who enjoy seeing me down the satisfaction that I couldn't handle the pressures of life. F*** that and f*** them!
I have had people I call(ed) my friends who let me down in my time of need and while it initially pissed me off, the anger quickly turned into hurt and disappointment only to fizzle out in nonchalance. I've been so emotionally damaged in this year and a half that it's like, does it even matter NOW?
Family has been driving me up the wall. I say nothing because there is no point, but the talking about me and looking down on me drives me insane. Grown people acting like children. Love my parents....but....sigh. Can't choose your family.
I've found myself detaching myself from someone that I thought could last a lifetime in my little world, as a friend and/or lover. But he's been getting on my very last nerve and I'm actually very sick of him now. He's been even more sometimey lately and with all the personal crap I'm going through, I really don't need extra.
I am starting to miss my ex from my teenage years. We reconnected for Christmas and while it is definitely not the way it used to be with us, you can tell and feel the chemistry bubbling underneath the surface. Always been mad chemistry between us and I hate how life had to happen...trying to be adults and do the right thing...
I appreciate all of your prayers...I've been beating my feet looking for work and no one is giving me the chance. I've had interviews, in person and over the phone, and I just can't nail the job. I'm not bilingual. I don't have years upon years of experience. I'm overqualified. I've applied for menial work. Minimum wage work. Work outside of my field of expertise. Out of town work (because I'm willing to commute, even in my deathtrap of a car). State jobs. I've applied to work people have recommended for me. I put in dozens of apps a week. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Unfortunately, I've given up hope a long time ago and in all honesty, I'm feeling very defeated. I'm trying to keep my head up. Trying to keep the faith. Trying to feel that things will get better. But when you're constantly rejected, you feel like shit. You feel worthless. Like going to some damn college seems to have been a bad idea. Studying for a test and wasting all that money on a professional license was completely pointless. I'm just competing for jobs against people who are better qualified. Maybe because I live in this hellhole of a town. Maybe because it's not what you know, it's who you know, and I don't know a got damn person.
It doesn't help when the people you thought you could count on the most doesn't come through for you. Treating you like you're unimportant. On the back burner. Taking you for granted. Taking advantage of you. Not giving a damn about your feelings. From my best friend to a male friend that I have been talking to for over a year, it seems like I expected too much from certain people. And what's crazy is, one of my mottos (that I created myself) is: "Expectations breed disappointments. That's why I don't expect shit." And here I sit, as disappointed as I can be.
I wrote a poem yesterday. My favorite couplet from it is:
I've been forced to move out of the comforts of my home and it's been a very hard adjustment but I do try to keep smiling and going about my day. My daughter has adjusted better but I can tell when sometimes, it just is a little too much for her.
Don't know what to do next.
I actually had suicidal thoughts a week ago. Hadn't seriously thought of suicide since I was a young child being molested by a damn deacon and had no one taking my side. Only 2 things kept me from doing so: 1. My daughter. Who will take care of her? Who will truly raise her and love her the way I do? NO ONE. 2. I'll be damned before I give those who enjoy seeing me down the satisfaction that I couldn't handle the pressures of life. F*** that and f*** them!
I have had people I call(ed) my friends who let me down in my time of need and while it initially pissed me off, the anger quickly turned into hurt and disappointment only to fizzle out in nonchalance. I've been so emotionally damaged in this year and a half that it's like, does it even matter NOW?
Family has been driving me up the wall. I say nothing because there is no point, but the talking about me and looking down on me drives me insane. Grown people acting like children. Love my parents....but....sigh. Can't choose your family.
I've found myself detaching myself from someone that I thought could last a lifetime in my little world, as a friend and/or lover. But he's been getting on my very last nerve and I'm actually very sick of him now. He's been even more sometimey lately and with all the personal crap I'm going through, I really don't need extra.
I am starting to miss my ex from my teenage years. We reconnected for Christmas and while it is definitely not the way it used to be with us, you can tell and feel the chemistry bubbling underneath the surface. Always been mad chemistry between us and I hate how life had to happen...trying to be adults and do the right thing...
I appreciate all of your prayers...I've been beating my feet looking for work and no one is giving me the chance. I've had interviews, in person and over the phone, and I just can't nail the job. I'm not bilingual. I don't have years upon years of experience. I'm overqualified. I've applied for menial work. Minimum wage work. Work outside of my field of expertise. Out of town work (because I'm willing to commute, even in my deathtrap of a car). State jobs. I've applied to work people have recommended for me. I put in dozens of apps a week. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Unfortunately, I've given up hope a long time ago and in all honesty, I'm feeling very defeated. I'm trying to keep my head up. Trying to keep the faith. Trying to feel that things will get better. But when you're constantly rejected, you feel like shit. You feel worthless. Like going to some damn college seems to have been a bad idea. Studying for a test and wasting all that money on a professional license was completely pointless. I'm just competing for jobs against people who are better qualified. Maybe because I live in this hellhole of a town. Maybe because it's not what you know, it's who you know, and I don't know a got damn person.
It doesn't help when the people you thought you could count on the most doesn't come through for you. Treating you like you're unimportant. On the back burner. Taking you for granted. Taking advantage of you. Not giving a damn about your feelings. From my best friend to a male friend that I have been talking to for over a year, it seems like I expected too much from certain people. And what's crazy is, one of my mottos (that I created myself) is: "Expectations breed disappointments. That's why I don't expect shit." And here I sit, as disappointed as I can be.
I wrote a poem yesterday. My favorite couplet from it is:
"Friends may not be there and family may forsake you
They’re not anticipating the power of your breakthrough."
They’re not anticipating the power of your breakthrough."
It's all a matter of when. While I'm on the cliff of despair and I'm about to jump, a strong wind of courage is holding me back...so I'm still here.
This resonates with me SO MUCH!!! I will be 40 yrs old this year and after going to SFA to get my degree, I live at my mama's house! The house I grew up in! My mom lives a few towns away...the town I live in is fucked. Population of 13,000 or so. The black men are mostly unemployed with multiple kids and baby mommas. The last guy I was involved with had 6 kids with 5 baby mommas. 33 yrs old. The only thing he can do well is fuck (and CAN do that) he has a PIECE of a job...My dad wans me to move to France where he lives but I don't like him. I have no idea how I'm going to pay the $37,000 back that I paid for my degree which is basically worthless. I'm thankful to be alive. I still have hope.
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