I am a Cancer. Moody, emotional...big hearted. Those qualities get me into some serious troubles when it comes to the opposite sex. When I am strongly feeling someone, I begin to become invested in them and the investment is seldom reciprocated. I put forth much effort in letting the other person know how I feel about them and that he is on my mind and stupid me somehow expects the same in return. When I don't get the same treatment, I get into my feelings. I start wondering what I am doing wrong. I start thinking a whole lot of things. I have been told that once I get an idea in my head, I tend to run with it. There's a lot of truth to that. Blame it on past experiences. However, 8 times out of 10, I'm correct in my assumptions. I may not have proof at the time, but what's done in the dark usually always comes to light, which then confirms those previous assumptions. I have ignored my gut before because I wanted what I wanted and it got me into a helluva lotta trouble.
Take the "love of my life." My child's dad. Oh, I would have gone to the ends of the earth twice for him. No one could tell me anything about him. I was his Bonnie, he was my Clyde. A poem on my windshield that included his phone number, a charming conversation, laughter, and the fact that I thought he was so handsome had me smitten. I was quickly infatuated. He told me he was married but separated. In my 23 year old naive head, I looked at it as he has his own place and he has nothing to do with his wife because he's getting a divorce. ***H Double B Dumb*** A relationship pursues and I find myself falling hard for him. I begin to love him. I love his smile, his conversation, his silly sense of humor, his sex, his everything. He couldn't go wrong. And then he did. And I couldn't bring my heart and head together in agreement so I stayed in a massive war of internal confusion for over a year. I knew what I had to do (head) but I loved him and couldn't find myself to actually do it (heart).
***H Double B Dumb***
Fast forward to the "one that got away." I "dated" him when I was a teenager. Handsome, charming, easy and fun to talk to, interesting mentality, just a solid person. I broke it off with him in the 9th grade and life went on. But anytime I saw him, my heart would race. Time goes by and then it's the end of 2009. We bump into each other at the grocery store. I have a 2-year old, he has 5 kids and a wife. I knew about his family via Myspace and when I learned he was married, I actually had the audacity to feel a pang of jealousy. We exchanged numbers, purely innocent, at least on my part, and we go about our separate ways. The next day, I get a text from him and the rest is history. We made a mutual decision to take it further because we just had to know what it felt like with the "one that got away." And we both saw fireworks. ***H Double B Dumb*** The connection and compatibility we had as kids were still there as adults...but he was taken. Did I feel bad? Yes. Very much so. But apparently, not enough to stop because we dealt with each other for almost 3 years. The deeper we dealt with each other, the more feelings we caught, the more I wanted from him and it became extremely difficult for both of us. He couldn't give me what I wanted because of his situation which left me feeling slighted, even though I knew from the beginning I couldn't have him the way I wanted. ***H Double B Dumb***
Let's not talk about the different types of guys I had encounters with since breaking it off with my child's dad. The cokehead, the fat boy with the plug in his head, the drummer boy, the pastor's son, the gout boy, the green-eyed cop, the other cop, the African, the detective, the security guy, the Bill Cosby look-alike, Mr. Big **** Blues, the married older guy, the other older guy, the basketball coach, the one with the Barry White voice, the stalker, the other stalker, the other other stalker, the charmer with the gold grill, the short one with the gold tooth, the cute mixed one, the short Mexican, Mr. Philly (I really shouldn't add him in this paragraph because I actually have genuine love for this guy...I consider him to be a friend actually)....after reading this paragraph, I have given some weird and/or uninteresting and/or crazy and/or unavailable guys too much of my time (whether it was for a day or even months). Can you say ***H Double B Dumb*** for real?!
Take the "love of my life." My child's dad. Oh, I would have gone to the ends of the earth twice for him. No one could tell me anything about him. I was his Bonnie, he was my Clyde. A poem on my windshield that included his phone number, a charming conversation, laughter, and the fact that I thought he was so handsome had me smitten. I was quickly infatuated. He told me he was married but separated. In my 23 year old naive head, I looked at it as he has his own place and he has nothing to do with his wife because he's getting a divorce. ***H Double B Dumb*** A relationship pursues and I find myself falling hard for him. I begin to love him. I love his smile, his conversation, his silly sense of humor, his sex, his everything. He couldn't go wrong. And then he did. And I couldn't bring my heart and head together in agreement so I stayed in a massive war of internal confusion for over a year. I knew what I had to do (head) but I loved him and couldn't find myself to actually do it (heart).
***H Double B Dumb***
Fast forward to the "one that got away." I "dated" him when I was a teenager. Handsome, charming, easy and fun to talk to, interesting mentality, just a solid person. I broke it off with him in the 9th grade and life went on. But anytime I saw him, my heart would race. Time goes by and then it's the end of 2009. We bump into each other at the grocery store. I have a 2-year old, he has 5 kids and a wife. I knew about his family via Myspace and when I learned he was married, I actually had the audacity to feel a pang of jealousy. We exchanged numbers, purely innocent, at least on my part, and we go about our separate ways. The next day, I get a text from him and the rest is history. We made a mutual decision to take it further because we just had to know what it felt like with the "one that got away." And we both saw fireworks. ***H Double B Dumb*** The connection and compatibility we had as kids were still there as adults...but he was taken. Did I feel bad? Yes. Very much so. But apparently, not enough to stop because we dealt with each other for almost 3 years. The deeper we dealt with each other, the more feelings we caught, the more I wanted from him and it became extremely difficult for both of us. He couldn't give me what I wanted because of his situation which left me feeling slighted, even though I knew from the beginning I couldn't have him the way I wanted. ***H Double B Dumb***
Let's not talk about the different types of guys I had encounters with since breaking it off with my child's dad. The cokehead, the fat boy with the plug in his head, the drummer boy, the pastor's son, the gout boy, the green-eyed cop, the other cop, the African, the detective, the security guy, the Bill Cosby look-alike, Mr. Big **** Blues, the married older guy, the other older guy, the basketball coach, the one with the Barry White voice, the stalker, the other stalker, the other other stalker, the charmer with the gold grill, the short one with the gold tooth, the cute mixed one, the short Mexican, Mr. Philly (I really shouldn't add him in this paragraph because I actually have genuine love for this guy...I consider him to be a friend actually)....after reading this paragraph, I have given some weird and/or uninteresting and/or crazy and/or unavailable guys too much of my time (whether it was for a day or even months). Can you say ***H Double B Dumb*** for real?!
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