Pity...Party of 1

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My daughter is spending the weekend at my sister's house and it's good for both of us. She gets to play with her cousins (it can get pretty bland as an only child, I'm sure) and I can cry in peace. Yes. I've been crying on and off all day. I don't know what it is about today but I've been in my feelings since I woke up. I've been cleaning my bedroom as a way to keep my mind off of whatever it is that is depressing me and it works...temporarily.

I saw a quote on facebook that I find to be highly accurate: "The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her." This quote is so powerful to me because I have never had a man to really love me. I have had guys use me and lie to me, even abuse me, but never love me. Too many men do and say whatever, pretending they want to be involved in my future, when all they want is what they can have NOW. So you may wonder...what is wrong with ME? Why do I keep allowing guys to hurt me?

I wish I had a simple answer like, "Oh, I have daddy issues" or "I can't stand being alone." Neither are true. My daddy wasn't there, true, but I'm an adult with quite a bit of intelligence and after a certain age, you can't keep blaming your past for what is going on in your present. It can suck being alone at times, but I'm not that desperate for companionship. Being alone doesn't make one lonely. 

So what the hell is it?

The men I deal with are similar to lawyers. They present themselves as having the most quality. They make themselves sound great. You tell them what is wrong and they offer you everything you need. But they say anything to get what they want from you. And by then, it's too effin' late. You're knee deep in it now. It's hard separating what your heart wants from what your head wants once your feelings are involved. It's almost as if these men prey on my weaknesses and get me where they want me and once they feel I'm of no real need anymore, they start slowly riding off into the sunset until their silhouette is no more.

I am a passionate person which is easily confused with being overly emotional. Like I stated in a previous blog post, I'm a Cancer and that's how we roll. I want people to know how I'm feeling. When I feel that I can't share my feelings with the person I need to share them with and I attempt to bottle them up, it drives me absolutely insane and actually makes the situation worse. My feelings can come across as a little overdramatic, I'm certain of it. But one thing is for sure: my feelings ARE genuine. You'll never have to guess what is going on in my mind. 

When I love, I love hard. While that is a blessing, it's also a curse, particularly when the love isn't returned. When I'm feeling someone, they'll know it. I believe in showing a man how I feel about him. I listen to him. I comfort him. I try to be his best friend. His confidante. A great lover. All the things I'd expect from him. So when I don't get it, it hurts like hell. 

I understand I am a convenience to some. I'm available. I listen. I'm just always there. I'm fun. I laugh. I'm easygoing. I'm laid-back. I'm easy to talk to. I think that's my issue. I'm too much of a "friend" to these guys who aren't good friends to me. I'm sick and tired of feeling like an afterthought. I'm tired of being used up because I'm a good person that deserves the best kind of love there is. I'm not some ho you'd find flirting with every guy at the club or having my breasts hanging out my shirt or sleeping with everyone at work. I'm a quality woman all the way around. It's a shame that no one has seen the value in that yet. 

I'm also sad because I'm worried about my unemployment benefits. Tomorrow, (Sunday the 21st), I'll find out if I'll be continuing to receive them. I'm so nervous because what am I going to do about money and bills and my daughter and everything if I have no job and have no income coming in? 

And I have no job. I feel like my life is wasting away. I feel that all the education and skills that I have gained from having my degree are slowly wasting away as well. I haven't been working in 15 months, the longest I have ever been unemployed, and I'm beyond discouraged. I'm frustrated. I feel like employers waste my time (so similar to these men) when they have no intent of hiring me. I put in these apps and send in my resumes, all in vain. I see why people give up. Now, I can't because I have my daughter to think about and I enjoy getting money, but in all honesty? Being unemployed is keeping me in a place I'm trying to escape. I can't move forward. That in itself takes a toll. Just imagine unemployment being glue that both your feet are stuck in. Everything is floating in front of you: A job. Money. Cars. Clothes. Newest technology. Success. Happiness. You reach out but you can't move because you're stuck in that one place. The longer you're stuck, the further everything becomes out of reach. After a while, you want to just stop reaching and give up hope. And what's even MORE frustrating? You know that if you give up, you definitely won't be able to grasp what you want. 

I think today, I've just been overwhelmed by a lot of things and I'm glad my daughter isn't here. That's probably why I have been crying because she's not here. I don't cry in front of my daughter because she is sensitive and I don't want to get her upset. Maybe this has been bottled up for some time and I just had to release it today. I don't know. All I know is, I wish I knew when things would get better for me.