Crazy and Confused

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I miss him already. When we started, I didn't think we would get as far as we did. I thought he was cute and I liked talking to him but I never thought I would end up catching feelings for him and I did. I didn't want to, but I did. He's the closest thing to someone of quality that I've encountered in a very long time. He has so much going for him. I love how he thinks. I'm such a strong-minded person that it's hard for someone to change my mindset. However, he does sometimes. I like his perspective on things. I love his "regional" accent. I love talking to him. He makes me laugh. I enjoy hanging out with him because it's natural. He's extremely handsome and fairly down-to-earth. We have talked everyday for a year (tomorrow) and I haven't tired of him yet. I've told him that if a guy passes the 6-month mark, then he's captured my attention. And he has. I don't talk to people everyday except my daughter. I wouldn't waste my time for that long with a person if I wasn't interested. I love his smile, his laughter, the giddiness I feel when I see a text or get a phone call from him. Other guys that I know at this point in my life just don't compare.

I decided to end our unique relationship today. 

Why?

He's become inconsistent. He makes me feel not as important the way I used to feel I was. I have begun to feel like a backburner kind of broad. He tells me that I'm being crazy and that his feelings haven't changed but I observe actions. Words mean nothing if the actions don't match them. I just don't want to ignore the obvious because I can't see past what I want. That has happened before and it got me emotionally and mentally screwed up for a long time. I want to believe him. I need to believe that he wouldn't set out to purposely play me. He says he's not. I'm so confused and it's bothering me. So I'd much rather not deal with it than play along wondering what's going on. I know he cares about me. There's no doubt about that. But I've been finding myself questioning the extent of his feelings. I'm such a drama queen!!! UGH!

In time, I could see myself being in love with him. I'm definitely not now, but I care a lot about him. I like him very much. If under the right circumstances, I know I could be in love. Do I think he feels the same way? Eh. I don't know. 

So yeah. I gotta let him go. 

I wrote this a week ago when I was in my feelings. 

I Gotta Let You Go

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore
No more mind games being played over here
The days of you getting over on me are over
No more stealing at my love that I hold dear
You're no longer needed so you can go to Hell
Your overused excuses and unbelievable lies,
The sneakiness, the creeping, the nonchalant attitude
I'll no longer deal with; I've said my goodbyes
I've tried to be patient hoping it would go back,
Back to the beginning, the way it used to be
When you'd tell me how you felt, I never had to wonder
When your actions proved what you thought about me.

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

I'm tired of feeling unimportant in your tiny, little world
As if I'm an afterthought in a dark corner of your mind
Constantly on the back burner, alone and forgotten
I guess the saying must be true, that love really is blind
You knew of my feelings and yet you didn't care
You knew you didn't want more than what it was we had
I wish you would've told me instead of dragging me along
The good feelings I used to have have gradually turned bad
Just leave me alone; I regret that I ever met you
I thought you were special but you are just like the rest
You could have loved me if you weren't so damn selfish
Too bad, it's your loss, but I guess it's for the best.

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

~Constance G.