Temptation

Before you read this, know that there are spoilers to the movie "Temptation" if you hadn't seen it. So with that being said, you've been warned!

I just finished watching this movie and I will say, Tyler Perry has done it again! You can say what you want about him but he is successful because he creates characters and situations that anyone can relate to, particularly African-American people. This movie was so good to me because it brought me to a place I used to be and showed me the person I once was. 

***SPOILER ALERT***

"Temptation" is a movie about a woman, Judith, who grew up in the country and fell in love with her childhood sweetheart. She grew up in the church and believed in no sex before marriage. She moved away to the city with her new husband and things were good. He had work at a pharmacy, she worked as a relationship therapist. She meets a wealthy young man (a businessman that is trying to incorporate online dating with his successful social media website) who shows her things and makes her feel things she's never experienced before. She starts to realize how boring her life is and feels that her husband is taking her for granted. She delves deeper into this belief which results in her cheating on her husband. She feels guilty but eventually can't ignore her desires for the businessman, who has an intensity that she feels she doesn't get from her husband. With the businessman's encouragement, she leaves her husband for him. It also helps that he has the money to help her build her own practice, which she so desperately wants. Her husband ends up finding out and asks her to come home. She coldly tells him that she has everything she needs from the businessman. She later goes back to her home with the businessman to retrieve her laptop to find her mother praying with a prayer group. The mother desperately tries to keep the daughter there and in her attempt to do so, the businessman pushes her down. He forces Judith to go with him as she tries to check on her mother, which angers her. She lets him know exactly how he feels, which angers him to a boiling point and results in him beating her up. The husband goes to fight for his wife and finds her in the bathtub, bruised. He ends up fighting the businessman. Judith finds out that she has HIV. 

This movie reminds me of a temptation that I experienced in 2006. I was with my first boyfriend for 5 years. Good guy that I barely argued with. We had a ton of mutual friends and my family loved him. His family loved me. Things were great. 

On the outside. 

On the inside, I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. He didn't excite me. I felt the relationship was boring and monotonous. I started wondering what it would be like with someone else. Inexperienced, naive, and bored, I left the door open for someone else to walk in. I found that someone. Attractive and tall, I instantly lusted for this man. To my surprise, he lusted for me, too. A love affair began and I felt so badly about it. My guilty conscience tore at me but I couldn't stop. This man told me things that fed into my vulnerability. This man gave me that excitement that I was missing from my boyfriend. I got things from him sexually that I wasn't getting from my relationship. I was enamored. I was hooked. I was addicted. And I didn't want to let him go for my boyfriend's sake. So I broke up with him to start a relationship with this new man. 

What I didn't know (or knew but ignored the signs) was he was fresh out of a 6-7 year stint in prison. He was married. His wife was pregnant. He was temperamental. And he was abusive. He was conniving and offered nothing other than his sexual skills in bed. He was an irrationally emotional person. He didn't like the fact that I was family oriented and that I had lots of friends, most whom were male. He thought because of that, I didn't love HIM the way I claimed I did. He tried to isolate me from everyone, stating that he was the only somebody I needed. He was very up and down. When things were good, they were great. When things were bad, they were terrifying horrible. Being with him made me miss my ex-boyfriend's kindness and patience.

After our daughter was born, I decided to give up on our relationship. I didn't want to go back to my ex-boyfriend but it did open my eyes to a lot of things. My selfishness. My naivete. Being unappreciative. But most importantly, my lack of real communication. If I wasn't happy, I should have expressed it in a way that either salvaged our relationship or at least ended as friends that just grew apart romantically. 

I left a man that might have been boring and "safe" but he treated me well. I didn't see that at that time because he was all I knew and I didn't appreciate him the way I should have. Would we have stayed together if my child's father never entered the picture? There is truly no telling. The person I am now, I would say no, but then again, the person I am now wouldn't be that person if it wasn't for THAT experience.

He never raised his hand to me. He bought me things to let me know I was on his mind. He wrote me letters. I met his family. We laughed together. My friends and family loved him. He never made me feel that I couldn't be myself. He never berated me for being myself. He never belittled me and made me feel that I had to tiptoe around him. Completely the opposite of what I left him for. 

My point is, the grass isn't always greener. I learned that the hard way. We allow ourselves to be unhappy because in some way, we're always searching for something better instead of just appreciating what we already have. Chances are, what we are looking for, we already have in our possession. We allow the "what ifs" in life to consume us and make us make rash decisions to appease the part that we feel is lacking in our lives. 

We could say, "If I could go back, I would change *insert situation*" but if we did, would we be where we are? Would we be able to problem solve and make better choices? In my situation, if I could go back and change being with my child's father, then I wouldn't have my child and I can't even begin imagining what life would be like without her in it.

Please go see "Temptation." It is definitely worth the money. If you're in a relationship, I truly believe that after watching this movie, it will make you appreciate the one you're with. 

"Temptation" by Constance Gilmore 

Match.com

Today, I went to match.com. Why? I don't know. Those silly commercials where people go on there to create profiles and find matches and end up falling in love and then marrying...it provided some kind of foggy hope for me. I actually created a profile. But I didn't subscribe. Why? I don't know...I just feel like even if I were to pay with my hard-earned pennies to be able to view emails and send them, I feel like men will go through great lengths to get what they want, even if that means pretending to be someone everyone wants....you know....LYING. Too many men play mind games (and yes, women do, too, but I'm not interested in women and therefore, I will not be discussing their faults). So with that being said, is my money worth the trouble?

I am single but I would love to share my heart with someone. It just seems that no one cares to take the time to truly see what my heart possesses and if they DO, they're "not ready" for a committed relationship with me...which usually translates into "I'm with someone already." I want to be loved but I'm not desperate enough to settle. Even so, I'm scared to get into any relationship because I feel that no one will truly love me. I don't know how to love halfway and I have shared myself with a couple of guys that either didn't deserve it or couldn't share themselves with me in the same way. 

I don't trust men. From the moment I was born, no man has really BEEN THERE for me. I never had someone to protect me or love me. A lot of women have at least a grandfather or an uncle or a big brother or a cousin who has their back or was a role model for them. I never had that. The one man that I spoke highly of and truly felt was a part of a dying breed betrayed my trust this past weekend and it caused so much confusion that I completely removed myself from him. 

I went to San Antonio for a funeral, not only because I cared for the person who passed away, but as support for a friend, who happened to be my ex. Since breaking up 7 years ago, he became a father and has a civil relationship with the mother of his child, who follows him around like a lost little puppy dog. Does she do it in my presence so as to mark her territory and let me know who is the one in his life now? Not sure. He reassured me over and over again that they were not together and expressed an interest in having a second chance at our relationship. I actually thought about it but knew it wouldn't work. Why? Two reasons: I'm interested in someone else and one of the reasons we didn't work was because he was too passive for me. Great guy, but can get completely run over. We hung out a couple of times and things were cool like they always were when we got together. 

Last day in SA, I get a knock on my door...my ex disappears out of the door and I'm confused...who could it be? Oh...his child's mother ranting and raving because he was hanging out with me. And he gets into his car and leaves. No explanation, no anything. She comes back and knocks on my door and I ignore her. Whatever issues she had, I'm not the one to help her with them. I texted him. I called him. I even facebooked him. He sent me sporadic texts. "I had to go home." "I'm a terrible person." "I'm just like all the other guys. I'm sorry for dragging you in this mess." What mess? What is he talking about? And that was it. It's been over a week and that was all I got. Hadn't heard from him since. He's the kind of guy that would prefer to get run over than stand up for himself and face confrontation. As if he's afraid. Fear isn't necessarily a weakness but when you don't stand up for what you believe in, it becomes one. And he definitely owns that weakness.

With all that being said, I have lost faith in good men. Not that they don't exist...they just don't exist for me. Sure...I should be patient, right? I should just let God send me somebody, right? If my ex, the only man I praised, could ruin a 12-year friendship behind foolishness and mess, then why should I believe they have any good ones out there for me?

Maybe they do. Maybe I should just go ahead and pay the $68 for a 3 month subscription on match.com and call it a night. Maybe.

The Unfriend Button

Facebook has taken over the world, hasn't it? There's even a phrase, "facebook official," which means nothing is "for real" unless it's posted on facebook. Facebook has wormed its way into our everyday lives and we're so engrossed in it that many of us (generally speaking) find it overtaking our REAL lives. But it's just Facebook, right?

What happens when people who you thought you had a solid relationship or an excellent history of friendship with UNFRIENDS you on Facebook? It's just Facebook, right? Or IS it?

If it's just Facebook, why do you get that certain pang in your gut? That feeling that tugs at your heart and befuddles your mind? You start wondering...questioning...what happened? Did I say something wrong? What did I do? Sometimes, people come into your life for reasons unknown but you build a bond but sometimes, like everything that is built, it just falls apart. Sometimes, you can't see the cracks in the foundation until it completely collapses.

I have been "victim" of the unfriend button. I'd go to a former Facebook friend's profile and see the "Add Friend" button. I think to myself, "Well...when did we stop being friends?" Sometimes, it doesn't bother me at all. I actually have quite an apathetic attitude about it. But then when it's someone that you held to high esteem, someone that you felt you could talk to about anything, someone that you trusted...it becomes unexpected...and it can be pretty shocking. Like whoa. 

So. What to do? I evaluate the last few conversations. 

• They were seldom. Few and far between. 
• Other people have entered into their lives, pushing me aside.
• Not keeping their word, when in the past, they always did.
• Seeming to be bothered anytime there WAS a conversation.
• Blaming me as the sole reason for the demise of our communication.
• Being unavailable (due to those "other people"). 

So why do I care? For the simple fact I'm a sentimental Cancer and friendships mean the world to me. I don't allow just ANYONE to climb my Friendship Ladder and if you manage to climb the very top? That means I have entrusted you with secrets that even my closest family wouldn't know. That I have bared my soul to you because I trust that you wouldn't take advantage of that. 

So. How to move forward? I don't believe in kissing ass when I feel I'm not solely to blame. If they don't value the friendship, then I'll let it go. I'm not a fan of one-sided relationships. If I feel that I'm putting more into it than I'm getting out, eventually, I lose interest and don't care to continue it. 

I feel that if you want to talk to someone, you would make an effort to communicate. That is for all parties, including myself. But to say, "Why did you cut off all communication with me?" when I don't recall doing such a thing and it was made clear someone else of more importance entered your life, is deflecting the issue onto someone else....ME....and I find it silly. I actually find that quite annoying when someone acts as if the only reason why you guys don't talk to each other is because you don't pick up the phone and call or send a text or get on the computer to email or Facebook. Doesn't communication take 2 people? Last time I checked, it did. 

To the Unfriend Button: Thank you for complicating relationships! Thank you for allowing people to not be friends without ever having to speak to each other about it again! You've made it easy to just say, "SCREW YOU!" You blessing and curse! You double-edged sword! Thank you for allowing people to see where they stand when others are too coward to say anything otherwise! 

Facebook...a fantasy world that has somehow ingrained itself into people's reality. Good job, Mark Z. You damn genius. 

Little Annoyances

 Untitled Poem #2

I've been forced to move out of the comforts of my home and it's been a very hard adjustment but I do try to keep smiling and going about my day. My daughter has adjusted better but I can tell when sometimes, it just is a little too much for her. 

Don't know what to do next. 

I actually had suicidal thoughts a week ago. Hadn't seriously thought of suicide since I was a young child being molested by a damn deacon and had no one taking my side. Only 2 things kept me from doing so: 1. My daughter. Who will take care of her? Who will truly raise her and love her the way I do? NO ONE. 2. I'll be damned before I give those who enjoy seeing me down the satisfaction that I couldn't handle the pressures of life. F*** that and f*** them!

I have had people I call(ed) my friends who let me down in my time of need and while it initially pissed me off, the anger quickly turned into hurt and disappointment only to fizzle out in nonchalance. I've been so emotionally damaged in this year and a half that it's like, does it even matter NOW?

Family has been driving me up the wall. I say nothing because there is no point, but the talking about me and looking down on me drives me insane. Grown people acting like children. Love my parents....but....sigh. Can't choose your family.

I've found myself detaching myself from someone that I thought could last a lifetime in my little world, as a friend and/or lover. But he's been getting on my very last nerve and I'm actually very sick of him now. He's been even more sometimey lately and with all the personal crap I'm going through, I really don't need extra. 

I am starting to miss my ex from my teenage years. We reconnected for Christmas and while it is definitely not the way it used to be with us, you can tell and feel the chemistry bubbling underneath the surface. Always been mad chemistry between us and I hate how life had to happen...trying to be adults and do the right thing...

I appreciate all of your prayers...I've been beating my feet looking for work and no one is giving me the chance. I've had interviews, in person and over the phone, and I just can't nail the job. I'm not bilingual. I don't have years upon years of experience. I'm overqualified. I've applied for menial work. Minimum wage work. Work outside of my field of expertise. Out of town work (because I'm willing to commute, even in my deathtrap of a car). State jobs. I've applied to work people have recommended for me. I put in dozens of apps a week. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. 

Unfortunately, I've given up hope a long time ago and in all honesty, I'm feeling very defeated. I'm trying to keep my head up. Trying to keep the faith. Trying to feel that things will get better. But when you're constantly rejected, you feel like shit. You feel worthless. Like going to some damn college seems to have been a bad idea. Studying for a test and wasting all that money on a professional license was completely pointless. I'm just competing for jobs against people who are better qualified. Maybe because I live in this hellhole of a town. Maybe because it's not what you know, it's who you know, and I don't know a got damn person. 

It doesn't help when the people you thought you could count on the most doesn't come through for you. Treating you like you're unimportant. On the back burner. Taking you for granted. Taking advantage of you. Not giving a damn about your feelings. From my best friend to a male friend that I have been talking to for over a year, it seems like I expected too much from certain people. And what's crazy is, one of my mottos (that I created myself) is: "Expectations breed disappointments. That's why I don't expect shit." And here I sit, as disappointed as I can be. 

I wrote a poem yesterday. My favorite couplet from it is:  

"Friends may not be there and family may forsake you
They’re not anticipating the power of your breakthrough."

It's all a matter of when. While I'm on the cliff of despair and I'm about to jump, a strong wind of courage is holding me back...so I'm still here.  

The Road to Success

Driven to Drink

I haven't been in the best mood since yesterday. To feel a certain way only to find out it is probably in vain is a terrible feeling. To feel that you deserve more only to find out you probably won't get it is even worse. So yeah. I'm in a crappy mood. Everything is putting me on edge. People who don't know me and come up with an assessment about me after speaking to me for a few minutes pisses me off. My age does not mean I'm ignorant, stupid, or clueless about life. While EVERYONE has much to learn in life no matter the age, my youth should not automatically mean I know nothing. Even my daughter is driving me nuts and she's just being her normal, active, 5-year old self. I've been snapping at her and I'm in such a down mood that while I feel bad afterwards and I know it's wrong, I can't stop myself. I hate when I get like this because innocent people are at the wrong end of my bad attitude.

Men have really been annoying me, from friends to thirsty wanna-be lovers. I find them more irritating than usual. 

In all honesty, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas and it's my favorite time of the year. I'm in such a funk that even the spirit of the holiday season is lost upon me.

You know what I want to do? I want to lay on my couch, watching mindless television, phone on silent, daughter at someone else's house, eating some Breyer's Waffle Cone ice cream. I don't want to be bothered. I want to lock myself in my apartment with a big SCREW YOU sign decorated in Christmas lights hanging from my door.

I know why I'm so unhappy and there is nothing I can do to change the reason. I have to try to find my happiness again but it's hiding from me right now. I cried a few times yesterday and I'm so ANGRY that I did. I'm tired of swallowing my emotions just to put on a damn front for everyone else just so they won't ask me a million times, "What's wrong?" I don't want to be forced to lie because I refuse to tell ANYONE why I'm so sad and bothered right now. 

My sister saw one of my facebook statuses yesterday saying that I was in an "idgaf" kinda of mood. She said that she didn't think it was wise to call me to ask what was wrong, especially because she didn't want to get depressed behind what I was depressed about. I told her that was a smart thing to do.

My eyes are tearing up thinking about this stupid shit. I'm sick of it. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd go waste my money on some alcohol and just drown myself in it. I can see why people drink now. It DOES make you feel better, even if it's temporary.

Adding on to my depressing emotional state, I still have no job and my lease is up in 8 days. I hadn't started packing because it will just remind me of what a failure I am and how I'm stuck in a spot I don't want to be in. I don't even want to think about it. And even if I were to pack, I really don't have anywhere to go. It's been made clear that while people are "so sorry" about my situation, I don't have anyone who would really and truly take me in just until I get back on my feet. My own mama probably would have to really think about it and ask permission from her boyfriend/fiance to allow her own child and grandchild to stay with her. 

I would love to just disappear for about a week. Just go someplace and not tell a soul and just get my mind right. I wish I had that option.

My whole demeanor will probably change tomorrow. Hell, just the fact that I ranted and raved on this blog post has made me feel better already. I don't want your fake pity or your pretend sympathy. I know people don't really care. And I'm pretty sure there will be someone that claims they know exactly how I feel. Whatever.

Merry Christmas.
Bah humbug.

Can I REALLY Handle It?

He'll Take The Pain Away

Today has been really sad for me. I find myself tearing up when I don't want to. Reality has hit me: I'm putting in my 30 day notice to my apartment complex. What's the big deal? Why you so sad, Constance? I have created a comfortable, stable home for my child and myself. I have what I need, a little of what I want...it's perfect for a homebody like myself. It wouldn't be so bad to put the notice in if I knew I had a place to live. 

I feel like an abandoned child, like no one wants me. And it's breaking my heart. I had Plan A renege on me and now Plan B has. I was so excited about Plan B that I told the world. Apparently, I did so prematurely. I'm in a position of true need and it's like everyone is fucking with my emotions (excuse the language). I'm frustrated because I don't know what to do. This is the first time since my daughter was born that I feel like I'm truly failing her as a mother. I'm taking her from the stability and comfort of her home and quite possibly her school, where she is excelling and doing well, to go....where? I had every intent on going to the Dallas area and now, I'm not so sure. No one has space. No one wants to help. Right now, I feel very alone. 

So what are my options? I can stay in Beaumont, but with whom? And even if I did, apparently, the Beaumont area is not hiring me. Beaumont has let me know that for 16 months now. What about Houston? Well, yeah...but who can I stay with? And Dallas seems to be unrealistic at this moment. I feel that maybe my options would open up if I had a job lined up. Then people won't feel that I'm gonna be at their home mooching for months going on a year or two. 

Apparently, people don't see the effort I'm putting forth into making things work for myself without the need of outside sources. People don't understand that I have the most basic of needs. I don't care about the size of a place, as long as I have a roof over my head. People don't understand that I am strong-minded and highly independent and that I don't want to live off of them. People think that if I go live with them, I'm going to have the same situation that I had with my child's father, bringing drama and turmoil into the home. Men are the last things on my mind--almost non-existent. I want to find a job to be able to take care of my daughter without having to rely on the government or other people.

I find it disheartening and extremely disappointing that so many aren't willing to get out of their comfort zone for a person that they supposedly care about.

It hurts that so many people have seemingly turned their backs on me when I need them the most. Who wants to hear, "Awww...it'll be okay" over and over and over and over and over again? It's like a child being abused at home that makes an outcry to teachers and the teachers say, "Oh little Johnny, it'll get better, I promise." He doesn't want to hear that. He wants to hear that something will be done so that he can feel and be safe. 

I'm tired. 

I've had some thoughts of an ungodly nature. Thoughts that would surely make all the pain go away. But it's selfish and no one is going to take care of my child the way I would. 

I've had some thoughts about doing things against my moral beliefs. Thoughts that would surely take care of a lot of the issues I'm currently facing. But I just can't. 

I wish I had more support. Hell, I wish I had support period. Once again, I have to prove to the world just how TOUGH I am by making it out of this dilemma.

I want someone to take over. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm strong yet I can't stop crying.

I'm pissed.

I'm angry. 

I'm frustrated.

I even asked God does He exist. I instantly regretted it because of course He does. But out of my frustration, I wondered what the hell I've done so wrong to deserve this kind of roadblock. 

Before you even say it, YES, I'll ALWAYS continue to pray like I've been doing all this time. NO, I won't give up. Failure is not an option for me. I have a daughter to think about. No matter what, she comes first and foremost. NO, I'm not just looking for social work jobs. NO, I'm not going to just apply to anything for the sake of having a job. I have to be realistic. "The school is accepting apps for a licensed counselor, isn't that similar to social work?" Similar but not the same. "Apply for it anyway." NEXT! "The gas station is hiring!" Yeah, but in order for me to maintain my bills without going in more debt, I'd have to work practically all day or get another job. Then what am I going to do with Tati? "Don't you have family?" Yeah. A highly unreliable one. NEXT! "You have a college degree. You can do anything." Smh, such a common misconception...and I have no IDEA why it's so common!

I have cried 3 times since writing this and I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm annoyed at the world. I'm annoyed at friends. I'm annoyed at family. I don't know how people view me but I'm not the only person out of work. There are respectable professionals who are just as unemployed as me. 

Some people come from money. Some people married into money. Some people have never been unemployed. Some people work hard and have 2 (or more) incomes coming into the household. Those people are some of the first to pass judgment and tell you what you're doing wrong. I do NOT enjoy being unemployed. I do NOT enjoy not having a real income. I do NOT enjoy stressing out about what bills I need to pay and which ones have to be late or go unpaid. I don't sit back enjoying my life of "luxury" because I'm collecting UI benefits. I've been unemployed twice before but this is the only time I've been unemployed for this long. The first time was 2 months, the second time was 6 months. I'm going on a year and a half now and I'm feeling inadequate.

I just want to be okay. And I need a little help along the way. I hope I get it in the form of a job because I'm tired of worrying about it all. I know things will be okay, but it's still frustrating.

More Than I Can Bear

Abandon friend...ship?

I have a friend that I used to call "best friend" and now this friend is more like just a friend that I've known longer than all the others. It's been going this way for quite some time. Not sure how but it has. Well, I spoke to this friend's mom today and she told me that my friend had to speak to a surgeon about a cyst that was found. I was shocked because of course, I didn't know. 

I go to visit my friend at work to check on her and she doesn't seem to care that I'm there. No biggie. She's at work and probably tired, especially since she was by herself. I asked her about her cyst and she says, "Yeah. I've known for 2 months. Yep. 2 months." I hope I didn't read too much into this, but she said it as if it's my fault that I didn't know that. So then we just talk about old friends of ours and then her place of business starts getting busy so I step to the side to let her work. Once I noticed it wasn't quieting down any time soon, I walked up to her and said that we (my daughter and I) would be leaving. 

Her: "You know you can call me." 
Me: "I know that."
"Yeah, you can text me, too. If you called, I'd answer."
"I know..."
"Yeah, I don't facebook like that."
"Mmhmm...."
"You can also come by."
"Well, you know I'm leaving for Dallas next month."
"Yeah. Yeah. I know. You can still call." 
"You know you can always call me, too."
"Yeah. But you can call me."
"Well, I was going to come by more often since I'm taking off next month."
"Yeah."
"Alright. Bye then."
"Bye."

It was the most awkward conversation I've ever had with her. It was almost like she was reprimanding me for not initiating conversation with her. The whole time, she was talking to me like I was a child. She also didn't seem to care that I was leaving for Dallas. I know she's been wanting to go back north for quite some time. There has always been some underlying rivalry between us so me beating her to the punch may not necessarily sit well with her. To say we used to be best friends, she didn't congratulate me or wish me well. 

She doesn't facebook often, but she does facebook. I had her as a favorite so anything she did on facebook, I received a notification about it. However, I'm addicted to fb so I understand what she means by "I don't facebook like that."

As far as communicating, I will take partial blame for it. I don't call, text, or visit the way I used to. I have my reasons, which may seem petty, but they also seem justified. One, she works and I don't. Her hours are all over the place so I'd rather not call or text because I know she couldn't answer anyway. Two, the last few times I have texted her, her responses seemed standoffish like I was bothering her. Turned me off a little bit. Three, because I don't have a job, I can't afford to use up gas the way I used to. She lives across town from me and it's hard to go see her as much. However, she passes my area up to and from work and she not once stops by. Ever. 

Communication goes both ways. I shouldn't be held solely responsible for keeping up the lines of communication. If you want to call, call. If you want to text, text. If you know I stay on facebook, then shoot me a message. I didn't appreciate feeling like I was completely in the wrong when it came to us talking.

I've noticed that we're not as close as we used to be. She seems more and more annoyed with me which in turn, makes me withdraw more and more. I feel bad for her health issues and the fact that she still stays at home, regardless if it's helping her family out or not, but I'd hope I'd be an outlet for all that, not something contributing to her bothers. She prefers to shop with other friends. Shopping has never been my forte. She likes to go out of town and paint the town red. I can't afford to go out of town just for the hell of it and waste money. I have priorities. Our likes aren't similar. What we find to be most important aren't alike anymore. 

We're growing apart. 

It stings a little because we used to be so close but things happen. I don't know what goes on in her life anymore other than her shopping, working long hours, going out to eat, and driving out of town. I'm assuming she knows nothing of what's going on in my world because she doesn't ask. I stopped calling her my best friend a long time ago because I didn't feel that we were in all honesty. I think we gave each other that title because we've known each other for over 20 years. Just seemed right. 

I did tell her and her mom that I would visit more and make a better effort to communicate. I know she won't call, text, or come by and I feel that she's putting it all on me, which is fine. I have one more month here. I can do all the footwork on our disintegrating relationship until *poof* it goes up in smoke. I will always care about her. She has done a lot for me over the years but this past couple of years...it's like our friendship is non-existent. I'm not depressed over it but I'm not leaping with joy, either. I actually think it's kind of sad but what can I do? She feels that she doesn't have to do anything and she can do just that: nothing. But relationships, ALL KINDS, take both parties to do work and it won't if it's one-sided. 

I have learned this year, particularly during this time of unemployment where I can actually sit and think, that I don't have as many CLOSE friends as I thought I had. I'm really excited to go back up to DFW and have a fresh start by meeting new people and beginning new friendships during this new chapter in my life. I have great friends that I will always cherish but apparently, some of the CLOSE ones that I considered to be at the top of my "Friendship Ladder" have crawled their way down the rungs. Guess that's life. 

Am I buggin?