Can I REALLY Handle It?

He'll Take The Pain Away

Today has been really sad for me. I find myself tearing up when I don't want to. Reality has hit me: I'm putting in my 30 day notice to my apartment complex. What's the big deal? Why you so sad, Constance? I have created a comfortable, stable home for my child and myself. I have what I need, a little of what I want...it's perfect for a homebody like myself. It wouldn't be so bad to put the notice in if I knew I had a place to live. 

I feel like an abandoned child, like no one wants me. And it's breaking my heart. I had Plan A renege on me and now Plan B has. I was so excited about Plan B that I told the world. Apparently, I did so prematurely. I'm in a position of true need and it's like everyone is fucking with my emotions (excuse the language). I'm frustrated because I don't know what to do. This is the first time since my daughter was born that I feel like I'm truly failing her as a mother. I'm taking her from the stability and comfort of her home and quite possibly her school, where she is excelling and doing well, to go....where? I had every intent on going to the Dallas area and now, I'm not so sure. No one has space. No one wants to help. Right now, I feel very alone. 

So what are my options? I can stay in Beaumont, but with whom? And even if I did, apparently, the Beaumont area is not hiring me. Beaumont has let me know that for 16 months now. What about Houston? Well, yeah...but who can I stay with? And Dallas seems to be unrealistic at this moment. I feel that maybe my options would open up if I had a job lined up. Then people won't feel that I'm gonna be at their home mooching for months going on a year or two. 

Apparently, people don't see the effort I'm putting forth into making things work for myself without the need of outside sources. People don't understand that I have the most basic of needs. I don't care about the size of a place, as long as I have a roof over my head. People don't understand that I am strong-minded and highly independent and that I don't want to live off of them. People think that if I go live with them, I'm going to have the same situation that I had with my child's father, bringing drama and turmoil into the home. Men are the last things on my mind--almost non-existent. I want to find a job to be able to take care of my daughter without having to rely on the government or other people.

I find it disheartening and extremely disappointing that so many aren't willing to get out of their comfort zone for a person that they supposedly care about.

It hurts that so many people have seemingly turned their backs on me when I need them the most. Who wants to hear, "Awww...it'll be okay" over and over and over and over and over again? It's like a child being abused at home that makes an outcry to teachers and the teachers say, "Oh little Johnny, it'll get better, I promise." He doesn't want to hear that. He wants to hear that something will be done so that he can feel and be safe. 

I'm tired. 

I've had some thoughts of an ungodly nature. Thoughts that would surely make all the pain go away. But it's selfish and no one is going to take care of my child the way I would. 

I've had some thoughts about doing things against my moral beliefs. Thoughts that would surely take care of a lot of the issues I'm currently facing. But I just can't. 

I wish I had more support. Hell, I wish I had support period. Once again, I have to prove to the world just how TOUGH I am by making it out of this dilemma.

I want someone to take over. 

I'm exhausted.

I'm strong yet I can't stop crying.

I'm pissed.

I'm angry. 

I'm frustrated.

I even asked God does He exist. I instantly regretted it because of course He does. But out of my frustration, I wondered what the hell I've done so wrong to deserve this kind of roadblock. 

Before you even say it, YES, I'll ALWAYS continue to pray like I've been doing all this time. NO, I won't give up. Failure is not an option for me. I have a daughter to think about. No matter what, she comes first and foremost. NO, I'm not just looking for social work jobs. NO, I'm not going to just apply to anything for the sake of having a job. I have to be realistic. "The school is accepting apps for a licensed counselor, isn't that similar to social work?" Similar but not the same. "Apply for it anyway." NEXT! "The gas station is hiring!" Yeah, but in order for me to maintain my bills without going in more debt, I'd have to work practically all day or get another job. Then what am I going to do with Tati? "Don't you have family?" Yeah. A highly unreliable one. NEXT! "You have a college degree. You can do anything." Smh, such a common misconception...and I have no IDEA why it's so common!

I have cried 3 times since writing this and I'm so annoyed with myself. I'm annoyed at the world. I'm annoyed at friends. I'm annoyed at family. I don't know how people view me but I'm not the only person out of work. There are respectable professionals who are just as unemployed as me. 

Some people come from money. Some people married into money. Some people have never been unemployed. Some people work hard and have 2 (or more) incomes coming into the household. Those people are some of the first to pass judgment and tell you what you're doing wrong. I do NOT enjoy being unemployed. I do NOT enjoy not having a real income. I do NOT enjoy stressing out about what bills I need to pay and which ones have to be late or go unpaid. I don't sit back enjoying my life of "luxury" because I'm collecting UI benefits. I've been unemployed twice before but this is the only time I've been unemployed for this long. The first time was 2 months, the second time was 6 months. I'm going on a year and a half now and I'm feeling inadequate.

I just want to be okay. And I need a little help along the way. I hope I get it in the form of a job because I'm tired of worrying about it all. I know things will be okay, but it's still frustrating.

More Than I Can Bear