Jar of Hearts
I cry as I write this.
You ever envisioned your life as being a certain way? Doing things the right way, finding success and happiness in everything? I mean, who doesn't, right? I am no exception. Because my childhood had had so many rough patches in it, I wanted my adult life to be completely different. I was going to graduate high school, immediately go to college, graduate, then go for my Masters, graduate, find a job doing something I love making a good salary that I can spend a little and save a lot, buy a house, fall in love. Typical dream of a woman, hmm?
The 15 months I have been unemployed has been very taxing on me, my finances, and my emotions. I feel like along the way, I have failed terribly. And what hurts the most? Is that I can't provide the life for my daughter that I promised her when she entered this world.
Once upon a time, I was really happy and proud of myself and now, I can't say that. Yeah, I've done things during my long period of unemployment that are worth recognition, but I can't find real enjoyment in them. Yeah, I paid off my car. I still worry that if I fill up my gas tank, will I have enough money for <that> bill. Yeah, I published a book. My own mama hasn't bought it yet. Yeah, I still have my apartment. Will I be able to pay next month's rent? Blah blah blah blah.
I am 30 and find myself, particularly recently for whatever reason, being very lonely. I don't know why but I find myself crying at the loneliness. I feel that I will never have that companion. Like I will never be loved. I've been used by men all my life and even the ones that I thought had potential and were genuine played the game very well in which I ended up losing. Again.
Social services like to deny deny DENY if you're not living in the streets and using the minimal benefits offered to you to be an adult and actually pay your bills. They usually will help you when you're about to be evicted or you have disconnect notices for everything. What about those struggling BEFORE shit starts to really hit the fan? And excuse me for having one daughter versus 8 with 7 baby daddies. *rolls eyes*
I see why people give up. It's frustrating trying to do the right thing and stay afloat when no one wants to throw you a life jacket. The only way they MIGHT help you is if you're actually losing the fight underwater.
When I ask for help from others, it's not because I'd rather spend someone else's money than my own. Nope. Too prideful for that. It's because I genuinely need it. And it hurts when you have some people that have but aren't willing to help or those that make you feel bad for even asking in the first place and it definitely sucks when they throw it in your face about your situation. I pretend like I'm not but I'm actually very sensitive about not having a job and having a real income to provide for my daughter and me. It kills me when I see people throwing away money or bragging about their next big purchase (whether it's from their own pockets or their well-to-do husbands). It's similar to people who can actually make a difference spending their money on solid gold toilets with platinum-encrusted toilet seat lids instead of helping out their struggling mother. The principle is the same, at least to me it is.
I have fought life the majority of my life. I'm tired. I'm tired of the being the "strong" one. Sometimes, I just want to be taken care of. Allowed off my feet to relax and not have to worry about LIFE, even if it's for a day. I just want someone to take my hand and say, "Constance? I got this."
I love writing because I was full of tears at the beginning of this rant and now, I feel better. Writing. My self-therapy for 20 years.
Don't Worry Be Happy
I cry as I write this.
You ever envisioned your life as being a certain way? Doing things the right way, finding success and happiness in everything? I mean, who doesn't, right? I am no exception. Because my childhood had had so many rough patches in it, I wanted my adult life to be completely different. I was going to graduate high school, immediately go to college, graduate, then go for my Masters, graduate, find a job doing something I love making a good salary that I can spend a little and save a lot, buy a house, fall in love. Typical dream of a woman, hmm?
The 15 months I have been unemployed has been very taxing on me, my finances, and my emotions. I feel like along the way, I have failed terribly. And what hurts the most? Is that I can't provide the life for my daughter that I promised her when she entered this world.
Once upon a time, I was really happy and proud of myself and now, I can't say that. Yeah, I've done things during my long period of unemployment that are worth recognition, but I can't find real enjoyment in them. Yeah, I paid off my car. I still worry that if I fill up my gas tank, will I have enough money for <that> bill. Yeah, I published a book. My own mama hasn't bought it yet. Yeah, I still have my apartment. Will I be able to pay next month's rent? Blah blah blah blah.
I am 30 and find myself, particularly recently for whatever reason, being very lonely. I don't know why but I find myself crying at the loneliness. I feel that I will never have that companion. Like I will never be loved. I've been used by men all my life and even the ones that I thought had potential and were genuine played the game very well in which I ended up losing. Again.
Social services like to deny deny DENY if you're not living in the streets and using the minimal benefits offered to you to be an adult and actually pay your bills. They usually will help you when you're about to be evicted or you have disconnect notices for everything. What about those struggling BEFORE shit starts to really hit the fan? And excuse me for having one daughter versus 8 with 7 baby daddies. *rolls eyes*
I see why people give up. It's frustrating trying to do the right thing and stay afloat when no one wants to throw you a life jacket. The only way they MIGHT help you is if you're actually losing the fight underwater.
When I ask for help from others, it's not because I'd rather spend someone else's money than my own. Nope. Too prideful for that. It's because I genuinely need it. And it hurts when you have some people that have but aren't willing to help or those that make you feel bad for even asking in the first place and it definitely sucks when they throw it in your face about your situation. I pretend like I'm not but I'm actually very sensitive about not having a job and having a real income to provide for my daughter and me. It kills me when I see people throwing away money or bragging about their next big purchase (whether it's from their own pockets or their well-to-do husbands). It's similar to people who can actually make a difference spending their money on solid gold toilets with platinum-encrusted toilet seat lids instead of helping out their struggling mother. The principle is the same, at least to me it is.
I have fought life the majority of my life. I'm tired. I'm tired of the being the "strong" one. Sometimes, I just want to be taken care of. Allowed off my feet to relax and not have to worry about LIFE, even if it's for a day. I just want someone to take my hand and say, "Constance? I got this."
I love writing because I was full of tears at the beginning of this rant and now, I feel better. Writing. My self-therapy for 20 years.
Don't Worry Be Happy
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