Crazy and Confused

 Courtesy of Google Images

I miss him already. When we started, I didn't think we would get as far as we did. I thought he was cute and I liked talking to him but I never thought I would end up catching feelings for him and I did. I didn't want to, but I did. He's the closest thing to someone of quality that I've encountered in a very long time. He has so much going for him. I love how he thinks. I'm such a strong-minded person that it's hard for someone to change my mindset. However, he does sometimes. I like his perspective on things. I love his "regional" accent. I love talking to him. He makes me laugh. I enjoy hanging out with him because it's natural. He's extremely handsome and fairly down-to-earth. We have talked everyday for a year (tomorrow) and I haven't tired of him yet. I've told him that if a guy passes the 6-month mark, then he's captured my attention. And he has. I don't talk to people everyday except my daughter. I wouldn't waste my time for that long with a person if I wasn't interested. I love his smile, his laughter, the giddiness I feel when I see a text or get a phone call from him. Other guys that I know at this point in my life just don't compare.

I decided to end our unique relationship today. 

Why?

He's become inconsistent. He makes me feel not as important the way I used to feel I was. I have begun to feel like a backburner kind of broad. He tells me that I'm being crazy and that his feelings haven't changed but I observe actions. Words mean nothing if the actions don't match them. I just don't want to ignore the obvious because I can't see past what I want. That has happened before and it got me emotionally and mentally screwed up for a long time. I want to believe him. I need to believe that he wouldn't set out to purposely play me. He says he's not. I'm so confused and it's bothering me. So I'd much rather not deal with it than play along wondering what's going on. I know he cares about me. There's no doubt about that. But I've been finding myself questioning the extent of his feelings. I'm such a drama queen!!! UGH!

In time, I could see myself being in love with him. I'm definitely not now, but I care a lot about him. I like him very much. If under the right circumstances, I know I could be in love. Do I think he feels the same way? Eh. I don't know. 

So yeah. I gotta let him go. 

I wrote this a week ago when I was in my feelings. 

I Gotta Let You Go

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore
No more mind games being played over here
The days of you getting over on me are over
No more stealing at my love that I hold dear
You're no longer needed so you can go to Hell
Your overused excuses and unbelievable lies,
The sneakiness, the creeping, the nonchalant attitude
I'll no longer deal with; I've said my goodbyes
I've tried to be patient hoping it would go back,
Back to the beginning, the way it used to be
When you'd tell me how you felt, I never had to wonder
When your actions proved what you thought about me.

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

I'm tired of feeling unimportant in your tiny, little world
As if I'm an afterthought in a dark corner of your mind
Constantly on the back burner, alone and forgotten
I guess the saying must be true, that love really is blind
You knew of my feelings and yet you didn't care
You knew you didn't want more than what it was we had
I wish you would've told me instead of dragging me along
The good feelings I used to have have gradually turned bad
Just leave me alone; I regret that I ever met you
I thought you were special but you are just like the rest
You could have loved me if you weren't so damn selfish
Too bad, it's your loss, but I guess it's for the best.

You had me at hello
Now I just don't know
You were the star of my show
Now I gotta let you go.

~Constance G. 

Loyalty & Disappointment

A facebook friend posted a quote that I find to be very true: "Blood makes you related. Loyalty makes you family." My instant response? "I must not have a lot of family." 

Yesterday, I was disappointed by a lot of people. Family, friends, a "love" interest. I keep a lot bottled inside because I hate conflict. I despise tension. Do you think they care if I'm disappointed in their lack of loyalty? I doubt it. 

Loyalty is a value that I hold very highly. It pisses me off when I'm loyal to a person and I don't get it in return. I begin to withdraw and I slowly detach myself emotionally because I'm becoming apathetic. That's how any guy who is "talking" to me knows I'm losing interest. I withdraw. I'm not as excited to talk to them anymore. It may take me forever to return a text or a phone call. I may not ever pick up the phone for them anymore.

Loyalty is a mixture of honesty and reliability. I try to be honest as much as possible without the intent of hurting anyone. I believe I am extremely reliable and dependable. If you need me, if I can, I'll help you whether it's financial or you need someone to listen to you vent or to babysit someone or to drive you somewhere, etc. etc. I feel that my loyalty makes me an excellent partner, friend, relative, co-worker, whatever. 

My fierce loyalty tends to get me constantly disappointed. Because I find it to be such a strong quality to possess, I usually expect it from others. Expectations breed disappointments so I really shouldn't expect anything but in my heart of hearts, I do. I believe in doing unto others the way I want them to do unto me so when I don't get it reciprocated, it hurts like hell. I always wonder WHY. WHY can't I call on them the way they can call on me? WHY can't they be there for me when I need someone the way I am there for them?

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a doormat. I'm tired of being available and convenient. I'm tired of being at everyone's beck and call. While I have outgrown the "please everyone" stage, I do value certain relationships and I am loyal to those. I just hate that they don't feel the same. So do I just say, "F*** 'em?" No. I can't. No matter how much I vent and complain and am disappointed, I just can't "let go" like that. That's probably why I am their doormat. (I love how I psychoanalyze myself. lol). What I can do is be less available. I can prove my loyalty to those who will not only appreciate it, but will also return the loyalty to me. Trust me, a person's loyalty is something that I treasure and it won't be wasted on me.

The moral of this story? Loyalty will get you pretty much anywhere with me. Take that how you want to. lol

Infamous Uppercut

Bus Driver Uppercuts Woman
Interview with "Victim" of Bus Driver's Uppercut

Ok. Here is my take on this. While I don't know the entire true story of this situation, what I have gathered from this is the woman apparently didn't have money to ride the bus and the bus driver rightfully had an issue with it. The woman didn't appreciate that so she got loud, rude, and used vulgar language. Out of anger, she hit the driver and spit on him. The 59-year old bus driver became frustrated and gave her the uppercut heard around the world. He then proceeded to throw her off the bus along with her belongings. She got back on the bus and proceeded to fight him, while onlookers kept screaming, "She's a f****** female!!"

So who was in the wrong?

Both of them. Violence never solves anything. I was a victim of domestic violence and I don't approve of a man hitting a woman for obvious reasons. 

BUT.

If you're a woman and you put yourself in a situation with a man that can possibly get physical, you have to be prepared for the consequences. Men are human, too. They have emotions, contrary to popular belief. They get angry. Some people reach a breaking point when they are constantly taunted and pushed around...and if you are the antagonist, expect the beast to be released. 

This woman, in my opinion, is an epitome of being "ghetto." Being loud in public. Using the N-word freely in a mixed audience. Fighting in public. Trying to get on public transportation without having to pay. She exhibited a lot of drama-ridden behaviors. Call me heartless, but I don't feel sorry for this woman at all. It's just like someone who associates with a gang and then he/she gets shot. Like, sorry you were shot, but what did you expect?

I actually feel sorry for the man because he has been with the company for 22 years and now, he's suspended behind dealing with this "hoodrat." When you are dealing with the public, as this bus driver does (or should I say "did"), you come across a lot of people, unsavory and not. It's especially hard keeping your cool with some of these people. I know firsthand. I was a supervisor at a hotel that dealt with all different kinds of people who thought anything that went wrong was YOUR fault. I was a school social worker that dealt with all different types of parents that thought their kids were angels and that YOU were the one that failed their kids. There were many times that I wanted to "lose my religion" with some of these people. How dare you talk to me in that way? How dare you accuse me of something that wasn't my fault let alone something that I had no control over? How dare you try to CLOWN me in front of my co-workers and/or other students? Luckily, I've never had anyone hit me or spit on me!

Could this have been handled differently? OF COURSE! Anytime violence comes into play, any logical person could see that other actions could have been taken. Walking away and removing yourself from the situation being one of them. But when a dog is backed into a corner, constantly being poked at, taunted, etc., eventually, it can't take anymore and it attacks. 

And that's why the bus driver went Mortal Kombat on her. I hope she thinks twice about coming at someone she thinks is too old or too passive to come right back at her!

Nothing to See Here

I had a whole post written out and as the CEO of Overshare, I decided not to share this one time. I'm not sure if it's the migraine attacking my brain or the disappointment I'm feeling towards this guy I'm interested in or that I'm sitting on this couch cold and uncomfortable...but I'm just not in a real writing mood tonight. I am disappointed because I love writing and sharing things, but even God took a rest. I'll be back in full effect tomorrow. I hope.

10/11/12: Child Support Hearing

So I had my child support hearing this morning. It was annoying because courts give me anxiety, even though it's nothing that I've done wrong. I get there and just as I anticipated, he was there with his overweight girlfriend. We gave our names at "check-in" and as we walked into the actual courtroom, he held open the door for me. I was shocked. 

We were the first ones to be called and I was like, "Great! I won't have to be here long." We talk to the child support officer and she was good. Because he was in contempt for failing to pay, he will be on unsupervised probation, meaning that he won't have to go see a probation officer. He's lucky he lives out of the Jefferson County jurisdiction. He owes me over $3,000 in back child support so he not only has to pay that to me, which accrues interest, but also the regular child support from the initial child support hearing last year. She told him that if he violates his probation, the courts can file against him and he can face 180 days in jail. He was like, "That's it? Okay." Spoken like a true professional inmate. Smh. On his Pizza Hut wages, he'll be paying me for a long time. 

We then had to see a judge. Waiting for her was the longest I had to sit idly. Luckily, we were first. It was embarrassing to stand in front of everyone in front of a judge like I was some common criminal even though, again, it wasn't something that I had done. The judge just confirmed his right to waiver an attorney, repeating everything we had already stated to the CS Officer earlier, and we were done. Thank goodness. I was there for maybe a total of 2 hours. 

The disappointing thing out of all of this is that he didn't ask about his daughter one time. He complained to the CS Officer about how he had to drive "300 miles" for the court hearing and he didn't even bother to try to see his daughter. He did the same exact thing last year at our first court hearing. I don't know why I was kind of hoping that he would, as if today would be different, but as usual, he didn't because of his selfishness and anger towards having to drive all that way for something HE failed to do. 

I feel for my child because she loves him and he doesn't care.

Court Hearing

Unfortunately, I have a court hearing tomorrow morning. God knows I don't want to go. I had to enforce child support on my child's dad and we were served papers this past summer for his failure to pay. However, this past September, he began paying me again. Sigh. So really, it's a waste of time to go, but I don't eff with the court system. I'll be there. He just gives me a headache because he's so ridiculously petty and cocky as hell. 

Last year at our first hearing, I wasn't there at 8 o'clock on the dot and he made a semi-big scene in front of everyone telling the lady that you check in with that he was there on time and how late I was. Just retarded. 

Please pray for me. I need it.

That 1st Time

I'm standing in the mirror flat-ironing my hair and as I'm staring at myself, I recall a point in time when I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I go back to the summer of 2006. The first time a man hit me. I never thought I would be a victim of domestic violence because my mother went through it and I just knew I wouldn't go through that. Well...I did. 

He came to my place with a Ziploc bag full of money and a 40 oz. can of beer in a brown bag. He wasn't working and he didn't "hustle" so I asked him where he got the money from. 

"My daughter's piggy bank." 
"You STOLE from your daughter's piggy bank??"
"No."
Being sarcastic: "So she let you have all her money?"
"NO."
"Then why do you have all of her money?"
"Stop asking me questions."
"But how are you going to steal from your own daughter?"
"I didn't steal it. You better stop saying that."
"Saying what....that you STOLE from your daughter?"
"Constance..."
"What, thief?"
"I didn't steal anything. I'm telling you, you better stop saying that."
"What...that you stole from your daughter?"
"Say that shit one more time."
"Oh...that you STOLE FROM YOUR DAUGHTER?"
*POW*

He punched me in my face. Like in the cartoons, I literally saw stars. No birds, just stars. I landed on the carpet on my steps and I was in complete and utter shock. I couldn't believe this man that I loved actually hit me. Blood landed on my shirt and my hand immediately went to my lip. He busted my lip and my teeth tore the flesh inside my mouth. Tears blinded me as I looked up at him with so much pain and betrayal. He knelt down next to me and began apologizing profusely. 

"I am so sorry, Constance. Constance, please, I am so, so sorry."

I just stared at him with my lip that was on fire, blood dripping on my shirt. At that moment, I hated him. With a passion. The man that I loved ended up being the man that I began to despise at that very moment in time. I told him to get the f*** out of my house. He just ignored me and kept apologizing. I allowed him to lift me up off the floor and as soon as I got my bearings, I pushed him away from me and screamed for him to get out my house. 

"Constance! Look, man, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it but you kept pushing me...I told you to stop saying that and you just kept on..."

Yes, I did. One, I don't like for a man to tell me what to do when he is in the wrong. I am very sarcastic and when I think you're morally wrong, I tend to come at you in a way that pisses you off. Is that right? Eh, probably not. But somehow, I can't stop myself. However, he was completely wrong for acting the way he did. He was one to never be able to control his temper. 

I was slightly disoriented and never thought to call the police. In retrospect, I should have, but being so young and never experiencing that in my life, I was just flabbergasted. My mind shut off. 

After a couple of hours of yelling at him to leave, I realized that he wouldn't. He noticed my instant silence and went into my bedroom to grab something. I was frozen from the shock of it all. He comes to me with one of my lingerie outfits. 

"Baby, put this on. I'm sorry. I'm gonna make it better. Just put this on and it'll be okay." 

I'm so Honey Boo Boo Dumb at this point in my life, that I rationalized that okay, if I did this and give him what he wanted, then he'll leave. Yes, stupid stupid stupid. VERY much so. But that was my thought process at the time. Abruptly, I said, "I'm not putting this on but if you are trying to have sex, c'mon so we can get this over with." And that's what happened.

What happened next was the lowest point I had ever experienced in my life at that time. I laid on the bed like a corpse while I let him have his way with me. I looked at the calendar hanging on my bathroom door. Oh, I looked at the ceiling. Discovered a small crack in the paint. Looked at the corners of the wall. Had to remember to sweep the cobwebs. Looked at the time. Only a couple of minutes passed but I swore the clock was inching along in mockery. He was on top of me grunting and enjoying himself while I looked at everything but him, feeling cheap and used. I felt like I was being raped. I didn't know how he was pleasuring himself because nothing was happening to me down there. No moisture, no anything, just dry. After he was finished, he wiped himself off, put on his clothes and I did the same. He walked to my front door, looked back at me, and said, "I love you. I'll see you later?" Not looking at his eyes, just down at the floor, I closed the door behind him, double locked it, and turned off all the lights. I took a shower and laid in my bed, staring into the darkness. I began to cry. I asked the Lord how did this happen? Where did I go wrong? I cried myself to sleep.

It's so interesting how you can go about your day and something as small as looking into the mirror triggers a memory so vivid, it's like it just happened. The brain works in very interesting ways. It makes for great inspiration, though. 

The Stain

I look at it, this permanent stain
And am reminded of all of the pain.
This splotch created from reasons inane;
Let me take the time and try to explain.

It was the summer of 2006,
The first time I was hit with his fist.
I caught him thieving and he got pissed,
So his fist and my face began to kiss.

I saw bright stars as I hit the floor.
Punched by the man that I chose to adore.
Betrayal dug deep into my very core,
As my face stung and became very sore.

I looked down to see blood on my shirt,
My ACADEMY tee, large and overt.
At that moment, I felt lower than dirt,
Immobilized and shocked from all of the hurt.

The stain of dried blood that won't come out.
I tried so hard; I even used SHOUT.
Hatred for him slowly came about.
Everything about me I began to doubt.

Why keep evidence of a painful past?
That's a question I'm frequently asked.
Violence was sadly part of my life's cast.
That's why it hasn't yet been trashed.

I look at my stain as a love gone wrong,
A stain that contains a sad love song,
A stain that sets off a mental gong,
But the sound of the noise doesn't stay long.

This stain screams of a time of nonsense
When love superseded all common sense.
I have overcome domestic violence
And I no longer live in the defense.

This dried blood blot does not control me.
It is permanent but the pain's temporary.
So now you understand the painful story
Of the stain blazoned upon my old, white tee.

~Constance G.

               The T-shirt worn during this incident and the dried blood stain that wouldn't come off.