Finding Love: A Letter to my Daughter

My dear sweet Tatyana,

Made of sugar, spice, and something not so nice...I write this letter to help you in your journey, whenever you're ready to open up to love. I write this as a 30-year old that has never found love. Yet. Surely I have loved but I've never received it back. Does it make me sad? Sure, sometimes. I look at love around me but it's never with me. I don't want you to endure the hurt that accompanies unrequited love. I don't want you to waste your heart on someone who won't treasure it. I don't want you to give time to someone who will only waste it.

1. Find out if they are married. Married men are dangerous. They know what it takes to capture a woman's heart. They'll say what you want and need to hear. Married men will make plenty of time for you--when it's convenient for them. You are nothing more than their convenience. They may care deeply for you. They might actually love you. But not in the way you want them to. The love you are hoping from them has already been given away to someone that has their heart, last name, kid(s), bank account, time, etc. They very rarely leave their wives for their "other" women. Don't ever think for a second that they will because if you get caught up in that mentality, you'll be waiting forever for something that wasn't going to happen in the first place. Their lies are slick. Don't give your heart to a married man because he could never give you his while he's married. Karma WORKS. You never want to one day be the unsuspecting wife.

2. If a man ever puts his hands on you, LEAVE. Don't wait around hoping he'll change because there is a slim to none chance that he will. A man who hits you does NOT love you nor does he respect you. The longer you stay, the more your spirit will be broken. Physical scars go but it can take a lifetime for your spirit to heal, if it ever does. Don't allow a man to break your spirit. Don't waste your energy on a man who gives you more tears than smiles.

3. Look at how he treats his mom and/or grandmother(s). If he disrespects either, do NOT date him. He'll probably treat you worse.

4. Let a man SHOW you that he's worth the trouble. It's easy to fall in love with sweet words full of empty hope and promises. However, words are void if the actions don't coincide. If he can't show you that it hurts him to be without you, don't waste your time. You are beautiful, smart, and funny and you deserve someone who will not only acknowledge this daily, but also show you that he NEEDS you in his life. He needs to earn your love because it's priceless. Remember that.

5. Choose a man who isn't ashamed of you. Someone who is proud to be seen with you and show you off. Someone who will introduce you to his mother and best friend. Someone who will hold your hand in public. Someone who will kiss the top of your forehead just because.

6. Choose a man who will make time for you, even if it's midnight during the work week. You should be able to call him at any time on any phone number he has, whether it's his cell, work, or home. If he truly loves you and has nothing to hide, you will have each of these numbers. You deserve a man who will listen when you need an ear. Someone who will put others to the side to comfort you, within reason.

7. Facebook is the devil. It helps people do shady things within relationships. Don't allow online ANYTHING get in the way of having a healthy relationship. You should be able to showcase your love on his page without fear of "someone else" seeing it. If he hesitates in any way, shape, or form about you posting anything regarding the relationship on his page, chances are, he's hiding something and even bigger chances are, it's you. Don't ever be someone's little secret (refer to #5).

8. Your gut seldom lies. If you have unsettling, uneasy feelings about a man, please don't ignore them. Use your common sense. Many times, women won't see past what they want and end up ignoring red flags. Then, they wonder why their men "changed on them." People have ways of showing you exactly who they are if you truly pay attention. Open your eyes, use your mind. You'd be proud of all the bullets you can dodge.

9. Don't ever think you have to sleep with a man to prove how much you like/love him. Empty sex is pointless. Sex hurts when it's one-sided. A man who can't or won't respect your morals, values, and beliefs is undeserving of your time. You stick by what you believe and never waver. If he truly wants you, he'll wait for you when you are ready. He'll never pressure you into doing something you're not ready for because if he does, YOU are going to be the one feeling awful while he goes about his life without a second thought about you and your feelings.

10. Choose a man that you feel you can bring home to family and be proud of. Look at him closely. Will he be a good provider? Is he a hard worker? Is he determined? Motivated? Ambitious? WILL HE BE A GOOD FATHER? If I had a child, will he/she be able to look up to him? Will he love me more than I love him? Do we share similar hopes and dreams? How does he handle difficult situations? Does he believe in God? Is he reliable? Is he a good friend to me? How does he interact with the people I love? Does he make me feel that I'm the only woman he wants to be with? If we were to have a child together and we broke up, would he still be involved? These are some vital questions you should ask yourself before opening your heart to a man.

I hope that when you decide to love, you really consider these points when it comes to finding love. Many men will present themselves as being "the one" deserving of your heart but if you wait long enough, they'll show their true colors. I didn't have anyone to guide me on the road to love so I ended up taking wrong turns that dead-ended to hurt and pain. I'm very guarded. No one has taken the time to love me but with you, because it's still early for you, take my words of advice and I can assure you, someone is going to appreciate your worth. In the words of K-Ci and JoJo, "Don't rush. Take love slowly." It will truly be worth it. I promise.

Love (truly),
Mama

K-Ci & JoJo: Don't Rush (Take Love Slowly)

*Takiyo: Deadbeat and a 1/2

Just a brief rant. I cried quietly today as I held my crying daughter. Why? Because she's been trying to call her dad for weeks and he's not answering his phone or returning any of her calls. She's only 5. Today, she called him and I knew he wouldn't answer, just like the other times, but I won't keep her from trying. She leaves a message saying, "Hey daddy, I miss you and I love you and I want you to come see me." She gives me the phone and she says, "He NEVER answers his phone." She goes to lay on the couch and I hear her sniffling. I tell her to come to me and I see tears in her eyes. I ask her what's wrong, even though I already knew. "Daddy never calls me back. I just want him to call me back." How do I take this pain away? How can I prevent these tears from forming? I can't stop this hurt and I feel helpless. 

I know this feeling of abandonment...this feeling of not being wanted. And nothing truly ever makes it go away. You can suppress the feeling but in the back of your mind and heart, you wonder WHY. Was I not good enough? Did you not love me? Why did you leave me? It's a terrible feeling of unbearable pain and I hate that my daughter is feeling this way just because her dad can't stand ME. He's ruining THEIR relationship because of his misguided and selfish feelings regarding ME. It bothers me because it bothers my daughter. I don't care for him in the least bit and know that it's best that he isn't around but for my daughter's sake, I hate that because she has this weird attachment to him (saying he hasn't been involved much since her birth). 

I can always find a "replacement" father for her. I can find someone that could be a good role model and stepfather for her but no matter what, that person will never be her biological father. The sad thing is, the person her dad is right now, he'll NEVER step up and be the man and father to his child that he should naturally be. And I'm the one that has to watch her cry, feel her pain, and try to comfort her. It pisses me off but what can I do? He was my choice once upon a time and because of it, my daughter has to suffer. And that breaks my heart.

A poem I wrote for my daughter in hopes that my presence makes up for her dad's absence:
Me and You

*I used his first name but omitted his last name. Trying to protect most of his identity but really, what other Takiyo do you know? And by the way, this isn't slander because it's all true.

Temptation

Before you read this, know that there are spoilers to the movie "Temptation" if you hadn't seen it. So with that being said, you've been warned!

I just finished watching this movie and I will say, Tyler Perry has done it again! You can say what you want about him but he is successful because he creates characters and situations that anyone can relate to, particularly African-American people. This movie was so good to me because it brought me to a place I used to be and showed me the person I once was. 

***SPOILER ALERT***

"Temptation" is a movie about a woman, Judith, who grew up in the country and fell in love with her childhood sweetheart. She grew up in the church and believed in no sex before marriage. She moved away to the city with her new husband and things were good. He had work at a pharmacy, she worked as a relationship therapist. She meets a wealthy young man (a businessman that is trying to incorporate online dating with his successful social media website) who shows her things and makes her feel things she's never experienced before. She starts to realize how boring her life is and feels that her husband is taking her for granted. She delves deeper into this belief which results in her cheating on her husband. She feels guilty but eventually can't ignore her desires for the businessman, who has an intensity that she feels she doesn't get from her husband. With the businessman's encouragement, she leaves her husband for him. It also helps that he has the money to help her build her own practice, which she so desperately wants. Her husband ends up finding out and asks her to come home. She coldly tells him that she has everything she needs from the businessman. She later goes back to her home with the businessman to retrieve her laptop to find her mother praying with a prayer group. The mother desperately tries to keep the daughter there and in her attempt to do so, the businessman pushes her down. He forces Judith to go with him as she tries to check on her mother, which angers her. She lets him know exactly how he feels, which angers him to a boiling point and results in him beating her up. The husband goes to fight for his wife and finds her in the bathtub, bruised. He ends up fighting the businessman. Judith finds out that she has HIV. 

This movie reminds me of a temptation that I experienced in 2006. I was with my first boyfriend for 5 years. Good guy that I barely argued with. We had a ton of mutual friends and my family loved him. His family loved me. Things were great. 

On the outside. 

On the inside, I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. He didn't excite me. I felt the relationship was boring and monotonous. I started wondering what it would be like with someone else. Inexperienced, naive, and bored, I left the door open for someone else to walk in. I found that someone. Attractive and tall, I instantly lusted for this man. To my surprise, he lusted for me, too. A love affair began and I felt so badly about it. My guilty conscience tore at me but I couldn't stop. This man told me things that fed into my vulnerability. This man gave me that excitement that I was missing from my boyfriend. I got things from him sexually that I wasn't getting from my relationship. I was enamored. I was hooked. I was addicted. And I didn't want to let him go for my boyfriend's sake. So I broke up with him to start a relationship with this new man. 

What I didn't know (or knew but ignored the signs) was he was fresh out of a 6-7 year stint in prison. He was married. His wife was pregnant. He was temperamental. And he was abusive. He was conniving and offered nothing other than his sexual skills in bed. He was an irrationally emotional person. He didn't like the fact that I was family oriented and that I had lots of friends, most whom were male. He thought because of that, I didn't love HIM the way I claimed I did. He tried to isolate me from everyone, stating that he was the only somebody I needed. He was very up and down. When things were good, they were great. When things were bad, they were terrifying horrible. Being with him made me miss my ex-boyfriend's kindness and patience.

After our daughter was born, I decided to give up on our relationship. I didn't want to go back to my ex-boyfriend but it did open my eyes to a lot of things. My selfishness. My naivete. Being unappreciative. But most importantly, my lack of real communication. If I wasn't happy, I should have expressed it in a way that either salvaged our relationship or at least ended as friends that just grew apart romantically. 

I left a man that might have been boring and "safe" but he treated me well. I didn't see that at that time because he was all I knew and I didn't appreciate him the way I should have. Would we have stayed together if my child's father never entered the picture? There is truly no telling. The person I am now, I would say no, but then again, the person I am now wouldn't be that person if it wasn't for THAT experience.

He never raised his hand to me. He bought me things to let me know I was on his mind. He wrote me letters. I met his family. We laughed together. My friends and family loved him. He never made me feel that I couldn't be myself. He never berated me for being myself. He never belittled me and made me feel that I had to tiptoe around him. Completely the opposite of what I left him for. 

My point is, the grass isn't always greener. I learned that the hard way. We allow ourselves to be unhappy because in some way, we're always searching for something better instead of just appreciating what we already have. Chances are, what we are looking for, we already have in our possession. We allow the "what ifs" in life to consume us and make us make rash decisions to appease the part that we feel is lacking in our lives. 

We could say, "If I could go back, I would change *insert situation*" but if we did, would we be where we are? Would we be able to problem solve and make better choices? In my situation, if I could go back and change being with my child's father, then I wouldn't have my child and I can't even begin imagining what life would be like without her in it.

Please go see "Temptation." It is definitely worth the money. If you're in a relationship, I truly believe that after watching this movie, it will make you appreciate the one you're with. 

"Temptation" by Constance Gilmore 

Match.com

Today, I went to match.com. Why? I don't know. Those silly commercials where people go on there to create profiles and find matches and end up falling in love and then marrying...it provided some kind of foggy hope for me. I actually created a profile. But I didn't subscribe. Why? I don't know...I just feel like even if I were to pay with my hard-earned pennies to be able to view emails and send them, I feel like men will go through great lengths to get what they want, even if that means pretending to be someone everyone wants....you know....LYING. Too many men play mind games (and yes, women do, too, but I'm not interested in women and therefore, I will not be discussing their faults). So with that being said, is my money worth the trouble?

I am single but I would love to share my heart with someone. It just seems that no one cares to take the time to truly see what my heart possesses and if they DO, they're "not ready" for a committed relationship with me...which usually translates into "I'm with someone already." I want to be loved but I'm not desperate enough to settle. Even so, I'm scared to get into any relationship because I feel that no one will truly love me. I don't know how to love halfway and I have shared myself with a couple of guys that either didn't deserve it or couldn't share themselves with me in the same way. 

I don't trust men. From the moment I was born, no man has really BEEN THERE for me. I never had someone to protect me or love me. A lot of women have at least a grandfather or an uncle or a big brother or a cousin who has their back or was a role model for them. I never had that. The one man that I spoke highly of and truly felt was a part of a dying breed betrayed my trust this past weekend and it caused so much confusion that I completely removed myself from him. 

I went to San Antonio for a funeral, not only because I cared for the person who passed away, but as support for a friend, who happened to be my ex. Since breaking up 7 years ago, he became a father and has a civil relationship with the mother of his child, who follows him around like a lost little puppy dog. Does she do it in my presence so as to mark her territory and let me know who is the one in his life now? Not sure. He reassured me over and over again that they were not together and expressed an interest in having a second chance at our relationship. I actually thought about it but knew it wouldn't work. Why? Two reasons: I'm interested in someone else and one of the reasons we didn't work was because he was too passive for me. Great guy, but can get completely run over. We hung out a couple of times and things were cool like they always were when we got together. 

Last day in SA, I get a knock on my door...my ex disappears out of the door and I'm confused...who could it be? Oh...his child's mother ranting and raving because he was hanging out with me. And he gets into his car and leaves. No explanation, no anything. She comes back and knocks on my door and I ignore her. Whatever issues she had, I'm not the one to help her with them. I texted him. I called him. I even facebooked him. He sent me sporadic texts. "I had to go home." "I'm a terrible person." "I'm just like all the other guys. I'm sorry for dragging you in this mess." What mess? What is he talking about? And that was it. It's been over a week and that was all I got. Hadn't heard from him since. He's the kind of guy that would prefer to get run over than stand up for himself and face confrontation. As if he's afraid. Fear isn't necessarily a weakness but when you don't stand up for what you believe in, it becomes one. And he definitely owns that weakness.

With all that being said, I have lost faith in good men. Not that they don't exist...they just don't exist for me. Sure...I should be patient, right? I should just let God send me somebody, right? If my ex, the only man I praised, could ruin a 12-year friendship behind foolishness and mess, then why should I believe they have any good ones out there for me?

Maybe they do. Maybe I should just go ahead and pay the $68 for a 3 month subscription on match.com and call it a night. Maybe.

The Unfriend Button

Facebook has taken over the world, hasn't it? There's even a phrase, "facebook official," which means nothing is "for real" unless it's posted on facebook. Facebook has wormed its way into our everyday lives and we're so engrossed in it that many of us (generally speaking) find it overtaking our REAL lives. But it's just Facebook, right?

What happens when people who you thought you had a solid relationship or an excellent history of friendship with UNFRIENDS you on Facebook? It's just Facebook, right? Or IS it?

If it's just Facebook, why do you get that certain pang in your gut? That feeling that tugs at your heart and befuddles your mind? You start wondering...questioning...what happened? Did I say something wrong? What did I do? Sometimes, people come into your life for reasons unknown but you build a bond but sometimes, like everything that is built, it just falls apart. Sometimes, you can't see the cracks in the foundation until it completely collapses.

I have been "victim" of the unfriend button. I'd go to a former Facebook friend's profile and see the "Add Friend" button. I think to myself, "Well...when did we stop being friends?" Sometimes, it doesn't bother me at all. I actually have quite an apathetic attitude about it. But then when it's someone that you held to high esteem, someone that you felt you could talk to about anything, someone that you trusted...it becomes unexpected...and it can be pretty shocking. Like whoa. 

So. What to do? I evaluate the last few conversations. 

• They were seldom. Few and far between. 
• Other people have entered into their lives, pushing me aside.
• Not keeping their word, when in the past, they always did.
• Seeming to be bothered anytime there WAS a conversation.
• Blaming me as the sole reason for the demise of our communication.
• Being unavailable (due to those "other people"). 

So why do I care? For the simple fact I'm a sentimental Cancer and friendships mean the world to me. I don't allow just ANYONE to climb my Friendship Ladder and if you manage to climb the very top? That means I have entrusted you with secrets that even my closest family wouldn't know. That I have bared my soul to you because I trust that you wouldn't take advantage of that. 

So. How to move forward? I don't believe in kissing ass when I feel I'm not solely to blame. If they don't value the friendship, then I'll let it go. I'm not a fan of one-sided relationships. If I feel that I'm putting more into it than I'm getting out, eventually, I lose interest and don't care to continue it. 

I feel that if you want to talk to someone, you would make an effort to communicate. That is for all parties, including myself. But to say, "Why did you cut off all communication with me?" when I don't recall doing such a thing and it was made clear someone else of more importance entered your life, is deflecting the issue onto someone else....ME....and I find it silly. I actually find that quite annoying when someone acts as if the only reason why you guys don't talk to each other is because you don't pick up the phone and call or send a text or get on the computer to email or Facebook. Doesn't communication take 2 people? Last time I checked, it did. 

To the Unfriend Button: Thank you for complicating relationships! Thank you for allowing people to not be friends without ever having to speak to each other about it again! You've made it easy to just say, "SCREW YOU!" You blessing and curse! You double-edged sword! Thank you for allowing people to see where they stand when others are too coward to say anything otherwise! 

Facebook...a fantasy world that has somehow ingrained itself into people's reality. Good job, Mark Z. You damn genius. 

Little Annoyances

 Untitled Poem #2

I've been forced to move out of the comforts of my home and it's been a very hard adjustment but I do try to keep smiling and going about my day. My daughter has adjusted better but I can tell when sometimes, it just is a little too much for her. 

Don't know what to do next. 

I actually had suicidal thoughts a week ago. Hadn't seriously thought of suicide since I was a young child being molested by a damn deacon and had no one taking my side. Only 2 things kept me from doing so: 1. My daughter. Who will take care of her? Who will truly raise her and love her the way I do? NO ONE. 2. I'll be damned before I give those who enjoy seeing me down the satisfaction that I couldn't handle the pressures of life. F*** that and f*** them!

I have had people I call(ed) my friends who let me down in my time of need and while it initially pissed me off, the anger quickly turned into hurt and disappointment only to fizzle out in nonchalance. I've been so emotionally damaged in this year and a half that it's like, does it even matter NOW?

Family has been driving me up the wall. I say nothing because there is no point, but the talking about me and looking down on me drives me insane. Grown people acting like children. Love my parents....but....sigh. Can't choose your family.

I've found myself detaching myself from someone that I thought could last a lifetime in my little world, as a friend and/or lover. But he's been getting on my very last nerve and I'm actually very sick of him now. He's been even more sometimey lately and with all the personal crap I'm going through, I really don't need extra. 

I am starting to miss my ex from my teenage years. We reconnected for Christmas and while it is definitely not the way it used to be with us, you can tell and feel the chemistry bubbling underneath the surface. Always been mad chemistry between us and I hate how life had to happen...trying to be adults and do the right thing...

I appreciate all of your prayers...I've been beating my feet looking for work and no one is giving me the chance. I've had interviews, in person and over the phone, and I just can't nail the job. I'm not bilingual. I don't have years upon years of experience. I'm overqualified. I've applied for menial work. Minimum wage work. Work outside of my field of expertise. Out of town work (because I'm willing to commute, even in my deathtrap of a car). State jobs. I've applied to work people have recommended for me. I put in dozens of apps a week. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. 

Unfortunately, I've given up hope a long time ago and in all honesty, I'm feeling very defeated. I'm trying to keep my head up. Trying to keep the faith. Trying to feel that things will get better. But when you're constantly rejected, you feel like shit. You feel worthless. Like going to some damn college seems to have been a bad idea. Studying for a test and wasting all that money on a professional license was completely pointless. I'm just competing for jobs against people who are better qualified. Maybe because I live in this hellhole of a town. Maybe because it's not what you know, it's who you know, and I don't know a got damn person. 

It doesn't help when the people you thought you could count on the most doesn't come through for you. Treating you like you're unimportant. On the back burner. Taking you for granted. Taking advantage of you. Not giving a damn about your feelings. From my best friend to a male friend that I have been talking to for over a year, it seems like I expected too much from certain people. And what's crazy is, one of my mottos (that I created myself) is: "Expectations breed disappointments. That's why I don't expect shit." And here I sit, as disappointed as I can be. 

I wrote a poem yesterday. My favorite couplet from it is:  

"Friends may not be there and family may forsake you
They’re not anticipating the power of your breakthrough."

It's all a matter of when. While I'm on the cliff of despair and I'm about to jump, a strong wind of courage is holding me back...so I'm still here.  

The Road to Success

Driven to Drink

I haven't been in the best mood since yesterday. To feel a certain way only to find out it is probably in vain is a terrible feeling. To feel that you deserve more only to find out you probably won't get it is even worse. So yeah. I'm in a crappy mood. Everything is putting me on edge. People who don't know me and come up with an assessment about me after speaking to me for a few minutes pisses me off. My age does not mean I'm ignorant, stupid, or clueless about life. While EVERYONE has much to learn in life no matter the age, my youth should not automatically mean I know nothing. Even my daughter is driving me nuts and she's just being her normal, active, 5-year old self. I've been snapping at her and I'm in such a down mood that while I feel bad afterwards and I know it's wrong, I can't stop myself. I hate when I get like this because innocent people are at the wrong end of my bad attitude.

Men have really been annoying me, from friends to thirsty wanna-be lovers. I find them more irritating than usual. 

In all honesty, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas and it's my favorite time of the year. I'm in such a funk that even the spirit of the holiday season is lost upon me.

You know what I want to do? I want to lay on my couch, watching mindless television, phone on silent, daughter at someone else's house, eating some Breyer's Waffle Cone ice cream. I don't want to be bothered. I want to lock myself in my apartment with a big SCREW YOU sign decorated in Christmas lights hanging from my door.

I know why I'm so unhappy and there is nothing I can do to change the reason. I have to try to find my happiness again but it's hiding from me right now. I cried a few times yesterday and I'm so ANGRY that I did. I'm tired of swallowing my emotions just to put on a damn front for everyone else just so they won't ask me a million times, "What's wrong?" I don't want to be forced to lie because I refuse to tell ANYONE why I'm so sad and bothered right now. 

My sister saw one of my facebook statuses yesterday saying that I was in an "idgaf" kinda of mood. She said that she didn't think it was wise to call me to ask what was wrong, especially because she didn't want to get depressed behind what I was depressed about. I told her that was a smart thing to do.

My eyes are tearing up thinking about this stupid shit. I'm sick of it. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd go waste my money on some alcohol and just drown myself in it. I can see why people drink now. It DOES make you feel better, even if it's temporary.

Adding on to my depressing emotional state, I still have no job and my lease is up in 8 days. I hadn't started packing because it will just remind me of what a failure I am and how I'm stuck in a spot I don't want to be in. I don't even want to think about it. And even if I were to pack, I really don't have anywhere to go. It's been made clear that while people are "so sorry" about my situation, I don't have anyone who would really and truly take me in just until I get back on my feet. My own mama probably would have to really think about it and ask permission from her boyfriend/fiance to allow her own child and grandchild to stay with her. 

I would love to just disappear for about a week. Just go someplace and not tell a soul and just get my mind right. I wish I had that option.

My whole demeanor will probably change tomorrow. Hell, just the fact that I ranted and raved on this blog post has made me feel better already. I don't want your fake pity or your pretend sympathy. I know people don't really care. And I'm pretty sure there will be someone that claims they know exactly how I feel. Whatever.

Merry Christmas.
Bah humbug.