I haven't been in the best mood since yesterday. To feel a certain way only to find out it is probably in vain is a terrible feeling. To feel that you deserve more only to find out you probably won't get it is even worse. So yeah. I'm in a crappy mood. Everything is putting me on edge. People who don't know me and come up with an assessment about me after speaking to me for a few minutes pisses me off. My age does not mean I'm ignorant, stupid, or clueless about life. While EVERYONE has much to learn in life no matter the age, my youth should not automatically mean I know nothing. Even my daughter is driving me nuts and she's just being her normal, active, 5-year old self. I've been snapping at her and I'm in such a down mood that while I feel bad afterwards and I know it's wrong, I can't stop myself. I hate when I get like this because innocent people are at the wrong end of my bad attitude.
Men have really been annoying me, from friends to thirsty wanna-be lovers. I find them more irritating than usual.
In all honesty, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas and it's my favorite time of the year. I'm in such a funk that even the spirit of the holiday season is lost upon me.
You know what I want to do? I want to lay on my couch, watching mindless television, phone on silent, daughter at someone else's house, eating some Breyer's Waffle Cone ice cream. I don't want to be bothered. I want to lock myself in my apartment with a big SCREW YOU sign decorated in Christmas lights hanging from my door.
I know why I'm so unhappy and there is nothing I can do to change the reason. I have to try to find my happiness again but it's hiding from me right now. I cried a few times yesterday and I'm so ANGRY that I did. I'm tired of swallowing my emotions just to put on a damn front for everyone else just so they won't ask me a million times, "What's wrong?" I don't want to be forced to lie because I refuse to tell ANYONE why I'm so sad and bothered right now.
My sister saw one of my facebook statuses yesterday saying that I was in an "idgaf" kinda of mood. She said that she didn't think it was wise to call me to ask what was wrong, especially because she didn't want to get depressed behind what I was depressed about. I told her that was a smart thing to do.
My eyes are tearing up thinking about this stupid shit. I'm sick of it. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd go waste my money on some alcohol and just drown myself in it. I can see why people drink now. It DOES make you feel better, even if it's temporary.
Adding on to my depressing emotional state, I still have no job and my lease is up in 8 days. I hadn't started packing because it will just remind me of what a failure I am and how I'm stuck in a spot I don't want to be in. I don't even want to think about it. And even if I were to pack, I really don't have anywhere to go. It's been made clear that while people are "so sorry" about my situation, I don't have anyone who would really and truly take me in just until I get back on my feet. My own mama probably would have to really think about it and ask permission from her boyfriend/fiance to allow her own child and grandchild to stay with her.
I would love to just disappear for about a week. Just go someplace and not tell a soul and just get my mind right. I wish I had that option.
My whole demeanor will probably change tomorrow. Hell, just the fact that I ranted and raved on this blog post has made me feel better already. I don't want your fake pity or your pretend sympathy. I know people don't really care. And I'm pretty sure there will be someone that claims they know exactly how I feel. Whatever.
Merry Christmas.
Bah humbug.
Men have really been annoying me, from friends to thirsty wanna-be lovers. I find them more irritating than usual.
In all honesty, I'm not even looking forward to Christmas and it's my favorite time of the year. I'm in such a funk that even the spirit of the holiday season is lost upon me.
You know what I want to do? I want to lay on my couch, watching mindless television, phone on silent, daughter at someone else's house, eating some Breyer's Waffle Cone ice cream. I don't want to be bothered. I want to lock myself in my apartment with a big SCREW YOU sign decorated in Christmas lights hanging from my door.
I know why I'm so unhappy and there is nothing I can do to change the reason. I have to try to find my happiness again but it's hiding from me right now. I cried a few times yesterday and I'm so ANGRY that I did. I'm tired of swallowing my emotions just to put on a damn front for everyone else just so they won't ask me a million times, "What's wrong?" I don't want to be forced to lie because I refuse to tell ANYONE why I'm so sad and bothered right now.
My sister saw one of my facebook statuses yesterday saying that I was in an "idgaf" kinda of mood. She said that she didn't think it was wise to call me to ask what was wrong, especially because she didn't want to get depressed behind what I was depressed about. I told her that was a smart thing to do.
My eyes are tearing up thinking about this stupid shit. I'm sick of it. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd go waste my money on some alcohol and just drown myself in it. I can see why people drink now. It DOES make you feel better, even if it's temporary.
Adding on to my depressing emotional state, I still have no job and my lease is up in 8 days. I hadn't started packing because it will just remind me of what a failure I am and how I'm stuck in a spot I don't want to be in. I don't even want to think about it. And even if I were to pack, I really don't have anywhere to go. It's been made clear that while people are "so sorry" about my situation, I don't have anyone who would really and truly take me in just until I get back on my feet. My own mama probably would have to really think about it and ask permission from her boyfriend/fiance to allow her own child and grandchild to stay with her.
I would love to just disappear for about a week. Just go someplace and not tell a soul and just get my mind right. I wish I had that option.
My whole demeanor will probably change tomorrow. Hell, just the fact that I ranted and raved on this blog post has made me feel better already. I don't want your fake pity or your pretend sympathy. I know people don't really care. And I'm pretty sure there will be someone that claims they know exactly how I feel. Whatever.
Merry Christmas.
Bah humbug.
